Gender fluid child

[issybaker]

My child who was born a boy has just come out to me and told me he was gender fluid and I don't know how to react.

My step-daughter is, stereotypically, very 'boy'-like. She has short hair, only wears clothes from the boys section (including underwear) and doesn't like 'girl' things, like the colour pink or frilly clothes. She plays football and all her school friends are boys. She does, however, have an interest in my makeup and likes to play with dolls.

She has never expressed her views on her gender. I did once ask her if she wanted to be a boy, and she told me that she just likes boy things. She gets mistaken for a boy all the time, and strangers call her 'him'.

The best advice I have is to just let your child be who they want to be. It won't be easy, and people will definitely express their views when you are out. Other children might find it confusing (a little girl once came up to me in the park and told me 'he' (my step-daughter) was saying he was a girl. I told her that she was a girl who just had short hair. She was happy with that and ran back off to play).

Your child will probably find it scary knowing that they feel different, and having your support will make things easier for them. Talk to them about what gender-fluid means to them, and whether they have any views on what they want to change.

Hope this helps xx

How old are they? Everyone is gender fluid in the sense that no-one conforms entirely to gender stereotypes. Might they believe that because they don't fit in with gender stereotypes this makes them not a boy?

How old is the child?

He is 14

Just tell him he’s male and gender is nonsensical claptrap.

Discuss the fact that he is indeed male but he can wear what he wants and do what he wants so long as its safe and legal and biologically possible .

His sex is male - just because he doesn’t ‘feel male’ (whatever that means) doesn’t mean anything. Tell him never to label himself.

Ask - what can you do now with this label that you couldn’t before?

So I should just tell him he is a man?

Well yes but ask what it is he thinks he is unable to do. Remind him that puberty and adolescence are confusing times for all young people . Remind him that his sex is just the bioligical parts and dont stop him doing anything othet than menstruating, having babies or a menopause. Find out what he has been reading online and what input school are making as many are quickly led down a dangerous path.

No he’s not a man. He’s a child. A male child.
He can wear what he likes outside of school.

Why do you have to react at all? Nothing has actually happened. The vast majority of the population, male and female, don’t rigidly conform to gender stereotypes. I don’t know a single person who does.

I'd ask him what he thinks it means and what he thinks he can do now he is gender fluid that he couldn't do as a boy. And then discuss very slowly and incrementally how boys and men can do all of those things.

Also get him spending less time on the internet and more time in real life.

I can't understand why this is even a thing to announce. People can wear what they want and behave how they want and be interested in whatever they want regardless of their sex. Just leave him too it. All teenagers are exploring who they are.

Also get him spending less time on the internet and more time in real life

This x a million

With many experiences in this kind of situation I can say with confidence that all you need to do is let your child know that you are there for them, thank them in confiding in you and trusting you, and NEVER throw this in their face, shout at them because of it, tell them it's a phase or anything of the sort. They will immediately shut off from you and I promise it is near impossible to get trust back from that. You may feel unsure as how to introduce your child (ie. daughter/son/child) or not sure which pronouns your child wants to be referred to as, and luckily there is a simple way to find out: ask them I hope this helps! good luck

@Thisismytimetoshine
With all the respect I can muster, people with opinions like yours are the reason this generation of children are afraid to come out to their families. This old way of thinking should be discarded by now. If this child is Genderfluid, it's not for anyone but the child to decide. Your personal belief that it isn't valid to be anything other than male or female is anything out progressive and it breaks my heart that there are people who still have these views. Just because you believe that it is either one or the other, we now know its not as strict, nothing is truly strictly black or white. I hope your ignorance won't cloud your judgment any further and I hope that you discard such regressive beliefs.

Your personal belief that it isn't valid to be anything other than male or female is anything out progressive and it breaks my heart that there are people who still have these views.

Male/female refer to sex. Gender is based on societal expectations and experiences and as such, is not "real", in the sense that it is not a fixed concept.

From www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/232363#gender-identity-and-expression:

Sex refers to biological characteristics. Gender refers to the individual’s and society’s perceptions of sexuality and the malleable concepts of masculinity and femininity. So other than a small number of intersex people, people are male or female.

Gender, on the other hand, is a societal concept that varies over time and by culture. Gender tends to denote the social and cultural role of each sex within a given society. Rather than being purely assigned by genetics, as sex differences generally are, people often develop their gender roles in response to their environment, including family interactions, the media, peers, and education. Gender roles and gender stereotypes are highly fluid and can shift substantially over time.

The World Health Organization (WHO) defines gender as:

“Gender refers to the socially constructed characteristics of women and men, such as norms, roles, and relationships of and between groups of women and men. It varies from society to society and can be changed.”

Good post Anna.

I agree that it’s not worth an announcement and there is little If any need to react. It’s not the 1950s. He doesn’t have to spend his free time going to the football or in the pub and he doesn’t have to go down t’pit. He doesn’t have to fancy girls or refrain from embroidery.

What Rainin and Lord have said. I hope he moves forward feeling comfortable with the reality but happy to express different sides of his personality

Is it really an issue as long as he’s happy

Great advice from AnnaMagnani.

In my own opinion it is probably quite a big deal to him so in lots if ways pretending it's not isn't helpful. However, if it's very casual to him then yes, just take it as how he feels.

But if it is causing him concern, listen to him.

Of course love him, and let him know how much he is loved.

Gender is a social construct but sadly it has this generation in its grip. Much as money had previous generations in its grip!

He really can present how he wants now, in many places, but does still need to be aware of his safety and also probably needs to work out what this means for him.

We have a trans child in the family and there has been a lot of angst and sadness so it can be a big deal.

Accepting it has brought some peace.

Good luck.