I am taking so much comfort from mumsnet at the moment. My 13 year old daughter believes herself to be transgender. At 12 I took her to the gp because she was so distraught about it all, and self harmed on couple of occasions. She has been to CAMHS and seen a school counsellor, and been referred to more counselling.
However, I am really alarmed.
Let me make this clear; if I truly thought she was a boy, I would be backing her up on this. But I think she is 13 and a bit lost.
She has a girlfriend, who is rather charismatic and calls her 'my boy.' They go up to the shopping centre and buy Build a Bears, and sparkly phone cases and silly unicorn rubbers; rather girlie to me and her sister, who wouldn't be seen dead with such things. But every so often she has a big wobble, says she hates her body, and that I don't know how hard it is for her. She got a chest binder from her girlfriend (more alarm bells!!!! which she lost when we were decorating the house...), has short hair and wears boys clothes. She has never been very girlie, but then neither is her sister. Neither would be seen dead in a dress. I'm not very girlie either, love all the practical stuff and getting mucky and wearing wellies and not wearing makeup or doing hair faffing. In fact, my daughter spends much longer in front of the mirror than I do!
So CAMHS and the school recommended Mermaids. I told the school I was very uncomfortable with Mermaids, that I had looked at them when this all kicked off and found no wiggle room or room for questioning. To be fair to them, they said they would go back and look at the website with fresh eyes. My daughter believes if she has surgery she will be happy. She is a very black and white person, very easily influenced, very clever, very articulate, very artistic.
I spoke to the other organisation she had been referred to. I wanted to know what they would do. We are led by the child, they said. I said that was no good because all she will say is she wants to be a boy. They made me feel I was in denial. They said they would explore gender with her. OK, I said, still hesitating, but wanting someone to help her. Dubious, I was prepared to give it a try. Until they said, oh, we have a thriving LGBTQ group she could come to. In fact, we are running it on two evenings because it is so popular. That was it for me; they were going to reinforce what she believes, not help her question it. I withdrew the request for counselling, even though my daughter is still asking when she can have some. I am sure she feels it will be a start to the route to transition.
I have begun to contact private counsellors. Several recommended Mermaids. I don't really want her to have counselling unless I can find someone who will challenge her, offer her other options. Yes, I could do that myself, but she won't listen to me, will feel I am against her. I feel I am between a rock and a hard place.
I know this girlfriend is a factor, but she isn't the only factor. There is a good chance she will be moving school and house at the end of this academic year and although this will be hard for my daughter I am sure the relationship will fizzle out. My daughter doesn't think she is necessarily gay, as she admitted she also fancies boys. I just think she is 13 with a crush or a very close girlie friendship.
My main concerns are, then, that she doesn't self harm again, and that she finds her own identity. This is a long winded way of saying, has anyone had experience of counselling for their child in this situation, where the counsellor doesn't just let the child lead, but challenges them too? I have little faith in this process, and am not sure if I am wrong to feel like this.
Thank you lovely people.