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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Need Advice my son has come out as Trans at school but not at home.

4 replies

Ara2008 · 06/12/2019 21:31

I am really confused and upset and I just do not know what to do. I read messages on my 11 year olds phone that he has come out as trans at school. I can’t believe this as I have always been very open and I have told him I would support him with everything he is and wants to be but I can’t believe he would come out at school.
Is this true, because I had no idea at all.
So does he feel like a female?
What should I do to support him?
I feel so lost and a little like I’m losing my child. Please help if you can.

OP posts:
archery2 · 08/12/2019 21:21

I'm really sorry to hear about this.

I help to run a support group for parents whose children identify as trans or non-binary. Based on our experiences and conversations we've published some basic advice for parents who've recently discovered their child's belief about their new identity, such as you've done by learning about it second-hand or sometimes when the child makes an announcement. In case it could be useful we've posted this here:

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips

Early on, the key thing is to listen to your child without judgment, and without trying to bring the situation to a conclusion - by which I mean, it's very natural to want to respond with a conclusive 'yes' or 'no' but in this case, the goal is to keep options open, to encourage your child to think critically about sex and gender roles for a long time. That means that affirming your child straight away (ie by encouraging them to adopt girl's clothing etc) wouldn't necessarily be a great move because over time it can foreclose the process of reflection about themselves.

It's likely that he has read about trans identities online and often it can seem like a solution to other problems or discomfort the child is experiencing, about their developing body, their sexuality, or from a sense of not 'fitting in' (eg if they have an ASD diagnosis).

One reason why it is important to listen to your child first off, is that often the child will have read that their parents will reject them, that they won't understand, won't accept the child for 'who they really are.' When parents respond either angrily (that doesn't sound like you) or by rejecting the child's proposed identity out of hand, it plays into the narrative. Unfortunately, the transition narrative can have the effect of undermining family bonds. Given that this is happening in early adolescence, whose purpose is to enable the child to separate from their parents, it is even in usual circumstances a vulnerable time for the child-parent relationship. But if not handled carefully by parents, the child can separate before they are really ready - there are many voices online that will offer them affirmation, encouragement in what they are doing.

If your boy has come out at school, I would suggest having a meeting with them to find out what they know about it. If they have nurtured this idea without letting you know, then that is plainly against the child's best interests.

Difficult to say much without knowing more. Usually this is something that will occupy your child for a long time - a year or more. Very best of luck. Do by all means get in touch via our site or forum if that could be helpful.

Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2019 02:53

@Ara2008 just wanted to say you are not a lone. I know of lots of people in a similar boat. We have a young trans person in the family too.

We tried to ignore it at first not knowing what to do.Over time we have accepted their choices for hair, clothes and name/pronouns. But initially resisted this as we thought it was a phase. So far (over 2 years) it has not been a phase.

My advice is to listen to them, continue to love them a lot, and show it (I know you do love them of course - but they will possibly be feeling quite stressed/distressed so need to really see your love of them clearly), read lots. There are lots of threads on here and pointing to different support.

Good luck, Thanks

LiterallyProblematic · 27/01/2020 14:31

This is very informative. Please look at the other side. This is not simple, and affirmation is not necessarily the best approach.

Kablam · 22/02/2020 05:40

Just be there for your child and support them. What they're going through can be so scary and confusing, but so long as you listen to the right people (try mermaids UK!) and do what will make your child happy, you'll be okay.

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