DS says he is gay. He is only 10. Am I handling this correctly?

[Venger]

DS is 10yo. He is not NT (ASD) and has cognitive delay that means his cognitive abilities are, on average, 2-3 behind his peers.

We went to the school fair after school today and some classmates were there so he went off to chat to them. When I went over to let him know it was time to go I overheard him making a comment about being gay. I don't know what was said beforehand but I heard him say "I don't fancy , I'm gay".

After dinner I asked him what was being said and told him what I'd heard. He told me that he doesn't like girls at all and that he's gay.

Lots of kids in his class are 'dating' one another, something DS has shown no interest in (I'm glad, he's only 10) and I don't know if there's maybe a bit of black and white thinking going on like he's thinking "I don't fancy girls therefore it must mean I fancy boys" by a sort of default when really it's that he hasn't reached the developmental stage of fancying anyone just yet, male or female. He also wants to fit in and is desperate for people to like him so it could be that he's doing it to try join in with all the dating but without actually doing any dating or saying he fancies someone, almost a diversionary tactic. Or of course he could be gay and this is all me overthinking it.

I've told him that DH and I will love him no matter what - gay, straight, married a Martian - but that he is only ten and he still has a lot of growing and developing to do. I said that when DH and I were ten we didn't know if we liked boys or girls as we were too young for things like that and there is plenty of time for relationships when he is older and understands more about it all. I did ask if anyone is pressuring him about it or if anyone has told him he's gay, he says no. I've said to him that he's not to go around telling people that he's gay as it's not appropriate for ten year old to be doing that.

Did I do this right? I'm not sure if I'm supposed to embrace it or tell him he can't possibly be, I was aiming for neutral but accepting. I don't know if there's more I should say or do. DH thinks I should talk to school about it and say I'm concerned about what's happening but at parents evening when I mentioned all the dating the teacher laughed and said that's what ten year olds do nowadays.

I’m a lesbian and I suspect that if I was 10 now I would know I was gay. It’s just that it was a very different world when I was 10 so I wasn’t able to label my feelings.

I actually think in a way that wasn’t such a bad thing in that I don’t honestly think 10 year olds should be labelling themselves in ways that they then end up finding limiting. I know several people who when young identified as gay but who are now at least apparently happy in heterosexual relationships.

But on the other hand to understand and not feel wrong for not having the same feelings about boys that the other girls were starting to talk about would have been much better.

I think your approach sounds quite sensible. I agree with other posters that discouraging talking about it might be a step too far- you don’t want him to think there’s anything wrong with being gay

I was dating when I was 10 (actually I think it was younger) but it was all very very sweet - a bit of going to the cinema together, holding hands and sending a Valentines card.

But I did absolutely know I wanting to be dating Boys.

So I don't think 10 is necessarily too young, but your DS is not an average 10. And as you say may have latched on to gay for other reasons - not having female friends, a quiet life, puberty not arrived yet.

In which case I think you have handled it perfectly.

I think you handled it well. I went through similar and handled it similarly with my boy. He thought for quite a few years that he was gay. I just let him be and told him I supported him fully no matter what. He then went through a stage when he thought he was asexual. Again I just let him be and supported him and listened to him no matter what he said. He has been in a relationship for over a year now with a wonderful girl who is totally fab with him. Again I support him ( and her).

The OP says he is ten but 2-3 years delay. So emotionally he is a wee kid.

I was very young for my age and at that age I would have told you that I was never going to have a boyfriend and probably going to be a nun.

I was at school with a boy who was ‘gay’ throughout primary and secondary school. He was gently, kind and funny. And not gay - just not a typical ‘boy’. The label was put on him - he never said he was gay or denied it, just rolled his eyes when the lads picked on him. He was lucky because he was such a nice guy, the worst he got was verbal teasing - a little bit thankfully, not worse. I digress but he is now married with loads of kids.

Yes he might be gay - he might be bi - he might be straight. Whatever the case, it sounds like with the other kids in his year having boyfriend and girlfriends he is being asked ‘have you got a girlfriend yet?’‘Who do you fancy then’ and if he’s not interested it must be quite excruciating for him. I know it was for me when I was at primary and the ‘cool kids’ has boyfriends and girlfriends and I had no interest.

I’d tell him it’s fine if he is or if he isn’t - but it’s no one else’s businesses. Tell him not to label himself.

I was all of 11 before I realised boys were attractive and I found them interesting. I found older girls and young women role models much better company than boys my own age, unsurprisingly, and had crushes on them before I ever had a crush on a boy.

I think if such things had been talked about then as they are now, I might have assumed I was gay, or going to be, or wondered. It wasn't totally clear till about age 14. None of that process was fraught or painful or anxiety-inducing at all, I remember finding it all really interesting.

I really wish we could dial back all the pressure on children today and let them develop happily in their own way. We seem determined to bring adult discussions and labels down and down the age range and I don't get why.

OP you are handling this brilliantly just being there and being loving. Keep listening, and if you think from what he says that others are using the term gay disparagingly to tease or bully your DS, let the school know. If anyone is encouraging him to identify as gay in order to torment him, that would need to be stopped.

I think you are handling this in the right way. I’m a specialist ASD teacher and would have advised something similar- reassuring that all sexualities are good and welcomed but that they have time and don’t need to make a fixed decision (or, most importantly, act on it!) when they are 10.

I think you handled it really well, in a way that means he won’t be afraid to talk to you about his sexuality (whatever that is) when he’s older.

I can remember from my own children that around age 7 they went through a 'girls/ boys are yucky' stage before hormones kicked in around 10 and then they liked the opposite sex because that was socially acceptable. ( the boy actually was gay though)
So I think you're handling it really well. I wouldn't be surprised if, despite what he's telling you, there had been some teasing from the other boys and possibly calling him gay

I reckon he may have been called gay and he's picked up on that esp as delayed and not the same level as others ... but I feel sad for the others as having dating on their mind at age 10 ... even if innocent, the toxic commercial and social world impacting on them.

In reality he may or may not be gay or straight or inbetween - so much developing to do.

As the parent of a gay man this thread is depressing we’ve gone from ‘don’t go round telling people’ , ‘ is he effeminate and does he like playing with girls toys’ to ‘ its too young to choose’ , just selecting a few quotes from the thread . You don’t choose to be gay and I thought we had had moved on from the era of girls and boys toys .

I was all of 11 before I realised boys were attractive and I found them interesting. I found older girls and young women role models much better company than boys my own age, unsurprisingly, and had crushes on them before I ever had a crush on a boy

I always thought it was normal to have crushes on either sex as you're growing up (and even beyond) and it's all part of typical development. I certainly remember the More magazine problem pages had letters saying "I have a crush on my same sex friend" and the answer was always that it's normal and doesn't necessarily mean anything either way. I did ask if he has a crush on any boys and he said no.

I agree with other posters that discouraging talking about it might be a step too far- you don’t want him to think there’s anything wrong with being gay

I don't want to discourage him from talking about it as such, he knows he can talk to us about anything at all and that we will always answer questions in an honest and age appropriate way. I don't mind him talking about it with his friends, he only has a couple as he's not good at forming/maintaining friendships. It's more the wider world as he lacks social boundaries and will tell anyone his life story, for example he has a tummy bug that was lingering on so the GP asked for a stool sample and when we went in to drop it off he told absolutely everyone in the waiting room that he had pooped in a box and mum had to scoop it into a pot If something crosses his mind then it comes out of his mouth and at least once a day we have to tell him "no one needs to know that, DS". That's more what I meant when I said he doesn't need to go around telling everyone.

Has - had

I have had a similar issue this week with my DD (11 and ASD) who told the class gossip/meangirl that she was bisexual. I can only share how we are handling it and totally understand the social skills issue.

My first reaction was that it is young to worry about such things but DD firmly told me she knew. So I reassured her that we don't mind, it seems quite sensible to have the choice of boys or girls (she is very logical!). She said that she was worried about telling me and DH but I just said we don't mind in the least, but if she wants to talk about it or has any worries we are here. Its not even been in my top 5 things to think about this week to be honest.

That said, I do want to have a very separate chat with her about friendships in general and social boundaries - but I am going to leave this for a bit because I do not in any way want it connected with the discussion of her sexuality. I do not want her to feel she has to hide any part of her (particularly as now she is hitting puberty she is struggling more with being ASD). But ... the conversation about circles of friendships (family, close friends, classmates, acquaintances etc.) should be had at some point - and we have to do this regularly anyway. Some kids need help to recognise that if you don't like xx, and see them being a cow to other kids, then perhaps expect that they will behave like that with you and don't put them in the 'share everything with' category .