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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

DS says he is gay. He is only 10. Am I handling this correctly?

38 replies

Venger · 27/11/2019 22:58

DS is 10yo. He is not NT (ASD) and has cognitive delay that means his cognitive abilities are, on average, 2-3 behind his peers.

We went to the school fair after school today and some classmates were there so he went off to chat to them. When I went over to let him know it was time to go I overheard him making a comment about being gay. I don't know what was said beforehand but I heard him say "I don't fancy , I'm gay".

After dinner I asked him what was being said and told him what I'd heard. He told me that he doesn't like girls at all and that he's gay.

Lots of kids in his class are 'dating' one another, something DS has shown no interest in (I'm glad, he's only 10) and I don't know if there's maybe a bit of black and white thinking going on like he's thinking "I don't fancy girls therefore it must mean I fancy boys" by a sort of default when really it's that he hasn't reached the developmental stage of fancying anyone just yet, male or female. He also wants to fit in and is desperate for people to like him so it could be that he's doing it to try join in with all the dating but without actually doing any dating or saying he fancies someone, almost a diversionary tactic. Or of course he could be gay and this is all me overthinking it.

I've told him that DH and I will love him no matter what - gay, straight, married a Martian - but that he is only ten and he still has a lot of growing and developing to do. I said that when DH and I were ten we didn't know if we liked boys or girls as we were too young for things like that and there is plenty of time for relationships when he is older and understands more about it all. I did ask if anyone is pressuring him about it or if anyone has told him he's gay, he says no. I've said to him that he's not to go around telling people that he's gay as it's not appropriate for ten year old to be doing that.

Did I do this right? I'm not sure if I'm supposed to embrace it or tell him he can't possibly be, I was aiming for neutral but accepting. I don't know if there's more I should say or do. DH thinks I should talk to school about it and say I'm concerned about what's happening but at parents evening when I mentioned all the dating the teacher laughed and said that's what ten year olds do nowadays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Venger · 27/11/2019 22:58

That should say 2-3 years behind his peers

OP posts:
Hirsutefirs · 27/11/2019 23:01

From my experience, it’s possible to know you’re gay before 10.

Original poster
Venger · 27/11/2019 23:03

I'm not saying it not possible however he has significant difficulties in understanding relationships, initiating appropriate interactions, and he lacks social-emotional literacy. He is a vulnerable boy and my concern is that this is part of his overall difficulties rather than him actually being gay.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/11/2019 23:04

I don't think you should tell your child not to say he's gay, no.

Also with asd he's more likely to be gay

I'm pretty sure I remember being same-sex attracted at that age.
You seem to find it normal that his peers have crushes etc but set his statement in a different category

Original poster
Venger · 27/11/2019 23:05

I'm also concerned that as a vulnerable boy he is leaving himself open to all sorts of bullying by going around school telling everyone that he's gay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Venger · 27/11/2019 23:06

I don't think it's normal that his peers are dating at the age of ten. If he came home and told me he had a girlfriend I'd be taking the same line that he is too young for dating.

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 27/11/2019 23:06

He’s your child and you know and love him the most. Sounds like you handled it well. You didn’t tell him he wasn’t gay you said he should not go around telling people he is gay. Two totally different things imo. And 10 is far to young to be 'dating'

loutypips · 27/11/2019 23:07

Could it be that one of his classmates has called him gay and so he assumes that he is?

doritosdip · 27/11/2019 23:08

It's not inappropriate for him to tell other kids that he is gay.

But it is appropriate to tell him that not fancying the girls in his class doesn't mean that he is gay and that you love him if he's straight/gay/bi/whatever.

2% of the UK population openly identify as gay/straight/bi. He might be that person in his class who turns out gay.

spongedog · 27/11/2019 23:09

I had similar a couple of years ago. Again a young person with SEN. I re-assured - said I wouldnt mind who they wanted to be with, but right now it was more important to concentrate on good friendships, rather than worrying about dating anyone. During Years 7-9. I tried to help with what a good friend might be/look like. It is so tricky for our non-typical kids. But they told me, they discuss it with me - so I keep trying!

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 27/11/2019 23:09

I think 'you're too young for dating' is miles apart from 'don't tell people you are gay'.

One is based on age and stage. The other is like some kind of in-the-closet ABA

Orchidflower1 · 27/11/2019 23:09

I think you handled it beautifully op. Because your ds is developmentally delayed it’s like talking to a 7/8 yo about boys/ girls. It’s not the same as a NT 10yo.

Please try not to worry. You sound like a lovely mum.

Mumdiva99 · 27/11/2019 23:09

I'd be the same as you. "Whatever you are mummy and daddy love you. But we think it's a little early and you're too young to worry about boyfriends or girlfriends." He's 10 - he should be worrying about kid stuff; playing football, fortnight, homework, clubs etc etc whatever floats his boat. But relationships are for older people.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/11/2019 23:10

I think telling him not to tell people is wrong. You’re telling him to suppress himself, that it should be a secret. Not a particularly positive life lesson.

doritosdip · 27/11/2019 23:11

It's perfectly normal for some y6 to "date" and others to talk about dating etc.
They are at an age where they are the oldest in the school and want to pretend like they are as mature as kids in secondary already.
I bet the kids who "date" aren't doing more than playing out with their "date" and other kids.

rightsideofherstory · 27/11/2019 23:13

I like your reply sponge. OP he already may know and to discourage him from saying who he feels to be can be stifling. Like someone else said you know and love him best so just support him in whomever he is and be happy he is willing to talk to you.

Paddy1234 · 27/11/2019 23:14

I wouldn't press if too much. I was speaking to my 15 year old son the other day wondering if he was ever going to start any sort of relationship.
I was quickly put in my place that no body really cares what sexuality you are anymore unlike our day. To them it's no big deal at all.

Paddy1234 · 27/11/2019 23:15

But I think you handled it perfectly well Smile

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 27/11/2019 23:16

My dd told me at 11 she is gay. At 11 I didn't know who the hell I was.

We have no LD but I think it's too easy to choose these days. We have loads of gay friends, same sex families etc in our normal circles.

I don't give two hoots how my dd identifies but I do still think she is too young to label herself. 2 yrs on she is in the school LGBT club and and I don't approve or disapprove or hold an opinion tbh. She will always be my child and I will always love her.

But I was well into my 30s before I could confidently say who I was. (Married and bi)

PutYourBackIntoit · 27/11/2019 23:23

I understand your concerns. Your son has labelled himself, possiblity without understanding fully, just because he does not like girls (which is completely normal for a 10 year old boy!)
My 7 yr old ds says he's gay because he wants a peaceful life and reckons he'll achieve this by being gay! I keep trying to explain that this isn't necessarily the case but he seems to believe it to be true.

SurvivingCBeebies · 27/11/2019 23:24

I think you handled it pretty well... I would have rephrased the not telling anyone he'd gay part; to you don't have to label yourself as anything yet as you are still growing up and figuring things out, but whatever you will be: we still love you and accept you for who you are so just be you.

Yesyesitsme · 27/11/2019 23:26

I was a pretty immature 9yo but I did know I was attracted to boys. Took me another 9 years before I started dating though!

It's entirely possible he knows already at 10. I wouldn't make a big deal of if either way.

Original poster
Venger · 28/11/2019 08:07

I would have rephrased the not telling anyone he'd gay part; to you don't have to label yourself as anything yet as you are still growing up and figuring things out

That is more or less how I worded it with him. I can't remember my exact wording but basically said that he's still very young and it's not appropriate to tell the world he's this one thing when he's still got a lot of growing and learning to do, explained that I'm not the same person I was at ten and neither is his dad and that there is no rush to work it out. I tried very hard not to use the word change as I don't believe it is something that can be changed but I don't want him to commit(?? Probably not the right word) to it when he's got a lot of developing to do between now and adulthood and all the time in the world to figure out who he is without setting it in stone at the age of 10.

OP posts:
B00kworm86 · 28/11/2019 08:10

You seem to have handled it well OP. I'm 33 and only realised I'm gay in the last year.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 28/11/2019 08:13

Is he effeminate at all? Does he prefer female company? Does he play with girls' toys? Stereotypes I know, but all the gay men I knew as children were quite feminine. And their parents all said they knew when the children were small that they were gay.

I probably know about 300 gay men, so it's not just a generalisation.