DD has announced she is gay

[BiBiBirdie]

What next?

She's in second year of secondary school. Never been that bothered by boys as she finds her brother annoying enough (her words) and found it all ridiculous when two of her friendship group got boyfriends last year. Her best friend is male and told her he "liked her" last year, at the time we asked what did she feel about it and her attitude was that they were good mates and she didn't feel like that about anyone at that time.
Her group are a bit misfit- not in a nasty way, she's a very caring kid and kids tend to go to her as she is very accepting of illness and other difficult situations down to having a brother with illness and Asperger's. Recently, two other kids have joined their ranks.
One is bi, the other says she is pansexual.
Now, I know they are all far more socially aware than my lot were at that age. But pansexual seems a bit far of a reach.
DD was being driven home this afternoon (half day due to a school event) and told her Dad rather unprompted that she is a lesbian and that is it and she is not discussing it.
She then came through the front door and announced it to me too.
What on earth do I do? Do I let her get on with it and treat it as something she is exploring at the moment?
To complicate matters, I am bi, she has no idea.
She is having counselling at the moment linked to some horrific bullying she had at primary school, and the hangover from it which her wonderful headteacher has highlighted and got help for her.
Is it too soon to know?
I would say if she is, that's cool! We will 100% support her.

Honestly this isn't a big deal. It's no different to her announcing she's straight. Tell her if she ever wants to talk you're there, but gay, bi, straight, who gives a shit, it's all normal.

I wouldn't make too much of a fuss. If this is just a phase then it won't be so hard to come down from.

Otherwise just be supportive. She'll figure it out.

What next?

Nothing. Supper her through her relationships they way you would if she were straight 🤷‍♀️

What on earth do I do?

Nothing.

To complicate matters, I am bi

Not sure why that is even relevant let alone a complication.

Do people really still live like this? She is gay. So what. Nothing has changed. Tell her as long as she is happy you are happy. Carry on with your day.

You can know at that age. I'm bi and had crushes on both sexes from much younger than that. Though obviously sexuality can be fluid through anyone's life.

Thank her for telling you, coming out is brave and a mark of her trust in you. Maybe take her out for a treat and a chance to chat about it if she has any worries. If you feel comfortable telling her your sexuality, it might be nice for her to know to feel less alone.

She’s 12. Do you even have a sexuality when you’re 12??

I think what you are saying OP is that you aren’t sure she is gay, or whether she’s been influenced by friends and various other external factors into thinking she is gay. That’s what is bothering you, not the fact that she might be gay but the fact she may be jumping to conclusions.

In your situation I’d not make a deal of it at all. Most people assume they are straight due to social influences so it’s not uncommon for social influences to impact on a 12 year old’s perception of their sexuality. It’s juts it’s more commonly an influence in the other direction.

If you question her she may feel unsupported. Just say that’s great and leave it. Maybe one day you might confined in her that you are bi and that might open a conversation about how one “knows” their sexuality and whether she is sure in her own.

Thank you for the responses.

She is currently engaged in computer games and eating lunch. I have said that we are cool with it, we want her to be happy and of course when it if she wants to chat she can do so.
I hadn't thought of the fact she must have a lot of faith in us to be so open about it, you worry they will think you're too old and won't understand issues. And when she was bullied we found out as her friend became upset at home and told her mum who immediately phoned me. So that's a good indication that she trusts us.

I'll let her get on with it then.

She is 12. Too young to be worrying about boy/girlfriend in my book (but then I was such a kid at that age and in no rush to grow up).

Say fine - don’t prod or probe - let her know you are cool and keep the lines of communication open.

With the way things are going these days - keep an eye on the ‘born in the wrong body’ malarkey.

What does it matter that she is gay? Are you openly bisexual OP? If you are closeted your daughter being openly gay maybe triggering your own baggage

She is 12. Mum is with her dad. Kids really don’t want to know about their mums sex life!

Had the same type of thing with step d.
Albeit by txt msg.
I just txt back if your happy so are we and we love you and you and dp are always welcome .
Never looked back.

@39LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD yes that's exactly it. And she's 12! I don't think she needs to know her mum's position on who I do or don't fancy at that age.
Nothing to do with baggage, more to do with age of DCs. I wouldn't have an issue with them knowing but it's never come up.
We have many friends who are gay, one of whom she was very close to as she also had bullying at school of a violent nature so she would chat to her too, are a married female couple. In fact, we practically live in our local pub which is the heart of the village and run by a flamboyantly gay guy. No issues with closeting or baggage here.
I'd love to know how it would come up in conversation @joystir59- here darling have some Coco pops and by the way, mum happens to find Chrissy Teigen as fanciable as your dad does?

Glad to hear though that we are approaching the correct way. The school are very good with this, they have an active LGBTQ society and took part in Pride this year so it's very visible and excepted with thumbs up and flags waving (I would be reasessing our school choice if they weren't)

Ummmm - I’m not a big fan of the rainbow to be honest. The whole Pride and LGBetc thing had a whiff of homophobia to me and doesn’t support lesbians well. And as you say - she’s a kid!

But hey, you have a good handle on this by the sounds of it.

I meant that if you were in the closet, OP, you may find it uncomfortable to be confronted with your child openly talking about her bisexuality. I did not mean that you should be out and talking about it with your daughter, but are you out to your significant other and family and friends?

If your daughter had said she was straight, you wouldn’t be on here asking what to do or say so I don’t understand what you are asking.

I’m not sure what the fact you are bi has to do with it either. Are you wondering if it’s catching? Or, as a bi person, you would think you would already know how to approach this situation 🤷‍♀️

She’s 12. Do you even have a sexuality when you’re 12??

Did you know what sexuality you were when you were 12?

As long as you remain supportive, OP, and answer any questions etc, you'll be fine

I think it's a bit odd to say that 12 is too early to think about this stuff. People only tend to say that about homosexual/bi feelings in that age group. It's perfectly normal for 12 year-olds to fancy people - there are kids still in primary school who have 'boyfriends/girlfriends', as there were when I was 12 (35 years ago!). Mist didn't (including me), but some did.

I didn't know what sexuality I was at 12.
I had a lot of mixed feelings throughout my teens.
I think I'd be saying along the lines of " that's nice dear, but as you're 12 and too young for relationships, its irrelevant right now"

I mentioned I'm bi as I would have thought I would know what to say or approach it. But the truth is, I never told my parents and I've been NC with them since I was 16 so it never got brought up. I also didn't realise myself until I was around 15 so 12 seems a bit early.
But clearly it's not.

I genuinely just wondered how others have handled it, like was it the right thing to go all out and talk lots or let her come to me?
Now I know, from the more helpful answers, that the best thing is let her take her time and talk when she wants to, if she wants to.
She is my eldest so yes, I possibly would have asked regards boyfriends and such, my own childhood was wildly abusive so I really don't have much groundwork to go on, my parents would very probably have locked me in my bedroom and bashed me around if I had of told them.

I know a 14 year old who has already had a number of sexulaities, so children do change their mind. What they 'know' about themselves may well change and develop. I think you are right to want to ask to help her, here, it shoes you are care, which is great. I am not sure there is much you can do to support her, except to be loving etc.

She is brave to say it, but I'd just accept it and allow her to be whatever she is. As you are doing.

I think the mad thing was that she told her dad whilst he was driving. I asked him what did he say and he said "that's nice dear"
When he had composed himself he told her he loves her anyway.
Her younger brother actually made a joke of it which she found hilarious as well over the weekend. She is notoriously lazy, she would live in bed if she could. I told her to get up as she had homework at gone midday and as she came downstairs, her brother said "oh so you're still as lazy then, even as a lesbian".
I hope she knew we would be cool with it. She has said there is a girl at school she likes, but isn't exploring yet-I have my suspicions, but won't press her.
But yes, we shall wait and watch and regardless which one she goes for in the future, I'm just happy as long as my two are happy and they pick nice people who will love and respect them.

Your DD sounds great OP. I would just chill out about it really. You are right that she must trust you both which is a great sign, so you must have done it right!

For those like @escapade1234 and others saying 12 is so young for sexuality... I am surprised by that! I remember having huuuuge crushes from the moment I was in Year 7, spending all day daydreaming about my latest crush, and doodling their names in my exercise books!

My son is 16 next week
He emailed me to tell me he is gay-it’s not a phase-he’s always known from being little (he says-I don’t know) and he has a crush on a lad at school
I emailed back to say I don’t care if he’s gay straight bi or wants to walk round after painting himself bright blue-I love him and that will never change
Him bringing his boyfriend home to meet me is no different to his siblings bringing home their partners-all boyfriends/girlfriends are welcome in my home
All I want is for them to be happy in their own skin
If he changes his mind and ends up with a girl I’ll be just as happy for him

Either way when it comes to his wedding day I’ll be the proudest mother of the groom anyone has ever seen-it doesn’t matter if the person he marries has a penis or vagina

My little sister was 10 when she knew. My friend's son was always overtly feminine, and it was "obvious" to everyone who knew him he was probably gay or similar (he came out as gay at 11). I have never felt any lust or have ever had a "drive" or attraction, so am probably asexual, but it was like that from a very young age when everyone else was eyeing up boys/the 11 year old boys lusting after girls, and I just knew I was the odd one out as I never felt anything. Just leave her to it, she'll figure everything out herself.