How to support gender creative autistic teenager?

[AutismSpeaks2016]

My teen autistic daughter identifies as Transgender male. How can I best support her/him going forward? Not a huge surprise as they were always non gender conforming but... I just don’t see why culture labels these children trans... they’re just expressing their preferences, and in my daughters case expressing her diverse neurological makeup... has nothing to do with gender or “Wrong body-ness”. However I fully support trans folks to do as they please with their gender and body, and if my daughter/son is one of these, I will embrace him and live him for his authentic gender identification. I’m not fully on board with the “terf” ideology of some posters, nor complete everyone-who-is-trans-identifying-is-a-true-transsexual agenda. There has to be a middle ground that is respectful and identity-affirming but not pushing. Any unbiased mommas willing to share their perspective on trans?

Have you looked on the feminism board OP? There’s lots of discussion over there and other parents in the same situation.
Transgender Trend is a good organisation to find support and resources.

Happy to give my background.

When I was about 13 I hated my body. My growing breasts disgusted me. Periods horrified me. Boys, sex etc terrified me. I really really wanted to reject my body and go back to the one I had had a couple of years before when I had been a completely happy, confident tomboy. Had I been 13 now then I suspect I would have latched onto the whole trans thing as an explanation as to why everything felt so awful.

And then I got to about 15 and - pretty much overnight (thank you contact lenses!) - I grew into my body, became very very pretty discovered boys / they discovered me and was completely happy being female. Don’t get me wrong - I still the usual teenage hang ups (does my bum look big in this????) including the odd brush with disordered eating. And I’ve never been a proper “girly girl”. But had you told me at 15 that I was actually male then I’d have looked at you as if you were crazy.

I’m now in my 40s, been with dh since I was 19, two lovely kids, life is pretty good. And I am definitely female. A female who rarely wears make up, works in a male dominated area and is much more comfortable with “facts” than “feelings”. But definitely female. It makes my blood run cold to think that I could have got caught up in something that destroyed my chances of children.

Puberty for girls is tough. Particularly for the more tomboy girls. We live in an unpleasantly misogynistic world and I don’t blame your daughter at all for wanting to escape from that. But there is a pretty good chance that it is the world that is wrong not your dd’s body.

Hi Autismspeaks we are in the same boat. GNC daughter came out as trans about 18 months ago. She ticks all the boxes for ROGD, autistic, tomboy, probably a lesbian, only wears baggy boys clothes, short hair etc etc. I think people were basically telling her she was trans .

She weathered the storm of being quirky and different until teenage hormones struck and it all got too much. We've accepted name change and male pronouns and have said until she's an adult (she's 15) we won't be agreeing to anything permanent or irreversible.

We are as supportive as we can be and allow as much control over other areas of life while working to keep her safe from any physical intervention. We are waiting for a Tavistock appointment- CAMHS referred her - and I am preparing as best I can do that we can avoid any kind of medical treatment.

I would love to find some decent therapy for her to allow the feelings of body discomfort / emerging sexuality to be explored without gender being the focus but I can't find any.

I am terrified of most professionals since transition is seen as the cure all for her distress and I wholeheartedly believe that to be wrong.

Were she a mentally stable adult I would fully support and accept her choices but as a vulnerable confused teenager I believe she needs protection.

It's a difficult journey.

Totally agree GatherlyGal.

It's tough.

AutismSpeaks2016 it is very good you want to support her.

May I ask, is she really gender non-conforming or does she see herself as male? Does she feel unhappy about having breasts etc? I think that what a teen or child may say also changes, they start saying one thing and then can say another etc.

I support the young person in my wider family because they are suicidal and I want to support them to live, whether that is as a girl or a boy. But I don't personally think that 'male is their true 'identity'. I know they are autistic; I think they not a lesbian but not someone wanting to be a typical girl.

It's a whole minefield. Her family are just taking it one day at a time. On a waiting list for clinic etc but list is long.

Good luck to all the families going through this.

I totally support adults too but often we are talking teenage females at the moment.