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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

9 year old told me he thinks he is gay.

31 replies

Spaceprincess · 26/08/2019 07:55

Hi, just posting for advice really.
My lovely 9 coming on 10 year old son has told me he thinks he is gay.
This is not a shock, I have thought for a long time that he could be , but only because he likes a lot of traditionally feminine things (I know this is not what being gay is) such as dance, musical theatre, my little pony, make up. At the same time I would not have been surprised if he'd grown up to be a straight man who was into these things ifswim.
Over the 6 months he's become obsessed with gay characters in shows e.g Kurt from Glee, and Rupaul's Drag Race.
He's asked a lot of questions during this time about being gay, such as can gay men have children and how they have sex. This was triggered I think by doing sex ed at school.
He's always had things for make celebrities, Tom Holland atm.
About 4 weeks ago he told me he thinks he is gay, and asked if there was any way of "turning back" (becoming straight) and started crying.
I cuddled him , told him that I loved him whoever he loved, and that he was wonderful and precious and thanked him for telling me. He said he knew because he'd had feelings about another boy and dreamed about boys.
Since then hes not really spoke about it. I asked him how he felt and he said hes fine with it, that me knowing and seeing the drag queens makes him feel that it's going to be ok. But that he doesn't want everyone to know yet.
What I'm wondering is do you know if you are gay at 9? Hes 10 in 6 weeks.
I have had same sex relationships but had no concept of sexuality until I was much older. I want to support him as much as I can, do we just assume that's it and he's out now or is he too young?
He is very comfortable with us treating him now as gay (his two older sisters 17/19 know) and talks about boys , getting married to a man one day and lets them do his hair and make up.
I just want to do right by him. Any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 31/08/2019 00:08

Can’t offer much advice, my son came out to me a few years ago at age 11, nothing has changed since. I asked some gay male friends how old they were when they knew and they were both pretty young. Maybe it’s easier if they just know at a young age, less confusion perhaps.

What I have found in coming out relatively young are the issues of sleepovers and with being openly out the sleeping arrangements on school trips as my son has female friends in school.

Most important thing is that you have accepted him whatever his sexuality, just embrace how close he must feel to you to be able to confide and be proud that he is being true to himself.

PickAChew · 31/08/2019 00:10

It's a rare 9 year old, thinking about sexuality.

Gingerkittykat · 31/08/2019 00:46

Why are you letting your 9 year old watch drag race??

Support him, let him know sexuality can be fluid and change over time sometimes but whether he is gay or bi or straight he is loved.

Keep him away from Mermaids and the like who would have him believe he is trans because he likes stereotypical girl things.

HeadintheiClouds · 31/08/2019 00:58

He doesn’t want everyone to know yet Shock. Did it actually cross any of your minds that a 9 year old should be declaring their sexual orientation to all and sundry? Hmm
Is 9 the new 18, all of a sudden? He’s a little kid, he should be playing with Lego, not planning to marry a man when he grows up.

This smells very fishy 🙄

thinkfast · 31/08/2019 01:03

Why is a 9 year old watching ru Paul's drag race? Really not suitable

Tippexy · 31/08/2019 01:06

How often is he on the internet unsupervised?

Orpy40 · 31/08/2019 01:11

He is 9. Stop letting him watch programmes that are too old for him and and talking about the men he is going to marry and let him be a child ffs.

ILikePaperHats · 31/08/2019 01:23

Why is he watching Drag Race? What is going on at home? How weird. He's only 9. Does it really matter what his sexuality is ??

MyNewBearTotoro · 31/08/2019 01:26

This thread is fishier than any of the Queens on Drag Race...

Bunnybigears · 31/08/2019 01:36

The thing that stood out of you post for me was you "treating him as gay" how do you treat someone as gay surely you treat everyone the same?

Orpy40 · 31/08/2019 01:40

This seems like quite an exciting thing for you and your daughters op? The way you talk about treating him as gay, his Sisters doing make up and chatting with him about boys. It's weird, he is 9. Let him know you're there for him and then leave it and treat him like the child that he is.

Original poster
Spaceprincess · 12/09/2019 20:52

I an there for him. I love him.
It's not exciting for us, we just want to do right by him. He has secretly been messing about with make up for ages.
He has access to the internet but only kids YouTube etc. Its not unfettered access.
I don't know if its just a thing hes talking about now or whatever.
I mainly wondered if people knew they were gay at 10. He does play with lego..hes very young for his age in many ways.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 12/09/2019 20:54

Of course a 9 year old can know they have same sex crushes. Drag race is a bit inappropriate but not the end of the world. Do people really think he's getting ideas of being gay from watching tv programmes?

Pinkarsedfly · 12/09/2019 20:56

I had straight crushes at 9 for sure.

Sounds like you’re handling it fine, OP - but I wouldn’t want my 9 year old watching Drag Race.

mamaoffourdc · 12/09/2019 21:00

And stop him watching glee!!! A lot of sexual content in that!!

Apileofballyhoo · 12/09/2019 21:01

I had crushes on boys from about age 6. It involved thinking they were very handsome and wanting to marry them when I grew up, I don't think I had any idea what sex actually was. I'm a straight woman. So I'd imagine it's perfectly possible to know when you're a child.

feelingverylazytoday · 12/09/2019 22:02

Yes, some gay people say they are aware they may be gay from a very young age, even younger than nine or ten.

Happyspud · 12/09/2019 22:15

Well I had the hots for a bunch of different grown men from the age of about 7. I remember fancying a boy in school when I was much younger than OPs and wanting to kiss his jumper as he passed and thinking that it wasn’t enough, that there must be more. I think sexual attraction can be very present from a young age. So knowing clearly which sex you’re attracted to at 9 wouldn’t surprise me. Just like I’ve always known I fancied men and the thought of liking a girl like that felt York to me.

Happyspud · 12/09/2019 22:15

Yuck. Not York.

Loftyswops988 · 18/09/2019 23:08

I am gay and definitely had gay crushes from the age of about 6 onwards. Innocent crushes that straight people have too, but definitely same sex!

Some people figure that out much later, but it is possible at 9 yes.

LemonPrism · 18/09/2019 23:10

@PickAChew I don't think it's rare at all for 9 years olds to think about sexuality. When I was in primary (until 2005) we all knew about lesbians and gay people and talked about people we fancied...

Basil90 · 18/09/2019 23:12

Sounds a bit overly sexualised for a 9 year old

SquintEastwood · 18/09/2019 23:24

My DS "came out" to his entire class at 10yo - I reassured him that it made no difference to any of his friends or family and that he shouldn't feel pressured into labelling himself or his feelings at such a young age or at all if he'd prefer.

3 years on its not really something that has come up in discussion, his sexuality isn't really at the forefront of our minds tbh.

Acknowledge his feelings and encourage him to explore life outside societal expectations.

Notmyrealname855 · 18/09/2019 23:34

Not sure why everyone’s shocked by a kid knowing their preference at this age - didn’t you know as a child whether you liked boys/ girls / both? Posters here are making it over-sexualised, the OP’s son is just figuring out who he is. No different to the romantic day dreams any of us had about a crush at school! I remember having a crush at and getting “married” to a boy I thought was my soulmate ...when I was 5! It’ll be just the same for OP’s son

About 4 weeks ago he told me he thinks he is gay, and asked if there was any way of "turning back" (becoming straight) and started crying this is so heartbreaking :(

Ohyesiam · 18/09/2019 23:43

Children do have sexuality, don’t any of the disapproving pps remember their childhoods?

My nephew was 4 when he told me he was going to marry Harrison Ford. He’s 28 and married to a lovely man ( not that Harrison isn’t!).

If you have gay friends they would probably be a better role model than a tv show. Other than that just love him and do the stuff we all do for our kids to give them good self esteem.