My 19YO son has just announced he is trans. How can I support him and ensure he makes good choices?

[Daddyjammy]

I've seen the comments on the thread about a 15yo in a similar position and can relate to lots of this but with my son away at uni and part of a split family it's hard as a dad to feel close enough to know he's doing the right thing or indeed really understands what he's going through.

We've always known he's a bit "different" - although never tested he shows signs of being somewhere on the autism/ Asperger's spectrum has difficulty making friendships and has never conformed to male stereotypes. However, he's also never seemed particularly "feminine", has a nice girlfriend, who he's been living and sleeping with all summer (yes, I do know that may mean nothing) and doesn't ever seem to have shown any interest in men sexually.

I am aware he is seeing a counsellor to deal with his mood swings (he thought he might be bipolar but GP said no) and am urging him to seek professional support to guide him through his own feelings. However, despite the fact he says he only made up his mind about this a few days ago he's already researching private treatments to start hormones and prep for surgery.

We'll love him/her whatever and are keen to help but he's always been impulsive and I'm just concerned he'll dive into life-changing decisions without really thinking it over. I know the world is becoming more LGBTQ friendly but this feels at the extremes and I know it will make for a harder life in so many respects.

Daddyjammy you are clearly a loving and concerned father so you are off to a good start.

In your shoes I would support him in as much as listen to him and just be there. As you know, as an adult, he can make his own choices.

Unless he has the money for private treatment it is unlikely he will be able to access surgeries quickly.

We have a trans identified youth in our wider family and it has been very tough. They are still a child which gives the 'illusion' of control and does give the reality in the UK of not being able to access cross sex hormones and surgeries yet.

If you search the internet you can find support in a wide variety if places. Trasgender Trend is one place. Face book gas groups like Parents of Transgender adults, there may be others.

They might offer wildly different experiences or advice but they are places you could start to connect with other adults who are sharing some of your parenting concerns.

Lastly, are your ex and you on good terms? If so, it might be a time to support each other due to shared interest in your, now adult, child. If not, it's just a factor in ongoing parenting but you may find yourselves able to stand together.

Plus your son's feelings are not necessarily related to sexuality. so having a girlfriend, or not, is not necessarily a factor. I do think being on the spectrum may well be a factor so read up on it if you wish to.

Good luck.

Thanks for your support. I'm looking up the sites you suggest. Had a great long chat with him but have just heard he's suddenly had a blow up and split up with girlfriend so losing another level of support. Shit, this is hard.

As gently as possible I must ask this question- is he trans or gay?

Listen to him. Ask him open questions like ‘that sounds hard, how long have you felt like this?’, ‘what would be your ideal outcome?’, ‘what do you want to happen next?’. Be very cautious about ‘advising’ or imposing your opinion - spend a lot more time listening than speaking. Help him work things out himself.

@bellinisurge the OP has said doesn't ever seem to have shown any interest in men sexually.

My apologies, op.

@Daddyjammy

That's hard for your son. I did think of mentioning that as a possibility but decided not to be a harbinger of doom. Sometimes womem do stay with men who come out as trans but often they seem to be married with kids and perhaps have fewer choices. This young woman obviously feels it is not for her and so, although tough, better to know now.

Good advice just to listen to him. It is very difficult just to listen but very helpful to learn what's been going on in his mind.

Soap opera continuing. Girlfriend has come back but I do worry long term about their relationship. Thanks for all your messages. He does actually seem more relaxed with this out in the open but it's still hard for us all.

Daddyjammy I guess in the long run your son's girlfriend will decide what is right for her. It really is a lot to expect someone to stand by you while you change gender. I'll be honest and say I doubt I would. I expect most men would not as well (I'm a woman married to a man).

But I know you are not necessarily expecting her to, and neither is your son. I guess you may need to be a bit neutral in the whole girlfriend aspect of it, because this could be quite off again and on again for a while.

Are you on conversation with your son-s mum?

I really do wish you all the best, thus us very tough.