Gay at 9?!

[Shakenbake91]

Okay so walking home two weeks ago my DD confesses she has a bf..
The very next day she breaks up with him as she has a crush on her female best friend
I'm not bothered by this, well not bothered is probably the wrong phrase, I'm just happy as long as she is! I've always been quite an open parent and sexuality isn't something that concerns me, I'm not bothered if it's with a girl or a boy
So anyway!
She found it hard to tell me about this new 'relationship' and said it just felt awkward to talk about but she was happy her friend felt the same and they because a little 'couple' but she's repeatedly told me not to tell anyone
Fair enough it's her private life
Roll forward to today and her friend has admitted that she was only joking and she didn't have a crush on my DD
MY DD was quite upset by this but just brushed it off and said how everything was confusing and it was awkward because nobody at school felt how she does.
Now I don't know how to handle this. Can't talk to her dad(we're not together but have a fab co parenting relationship) as I don't want to break her trust but I have no experience with the emotions she's feeling. Could she be gay or bi? Is it not too young to know?Do I try to help clarify what her emotions can be? I'm completely lost! At 9 I was running around outside not interested in any form of relationships.
I just don't want her confidence to get knocked anymore and want her to be comfortable!

Can you be straight at 9? Then you can be gay at 9.

I didn't mean it as cut and dry as that. I meant it as children that who are 9, are they old enough to understand what sexuality is about to be able to put a label on it.

Yes of course! I mean you dont know whether it's going to change as time goes on... but certainly 9yo have a sense of their own sexuality. You dont just develop sexuality after midnight on your 16th birthday or something!! It's a gradual thing from birth and by the age of 9 you are starting to think more deeply about things like romance and what your life is going to be like as an adult.... certainly not at the same level as you would as an older child, and certainly your sense of self can change... but yes at 9yo you can have some idea you might be attracted to the same sex.

I wouldn't really put any importance on any 'relationship' at 9! It's just play acting and practice.

As PPs have said it's something you're aware of even at 9; though you might not be able to put it into words then. But you'd know if you fancy girls/boys/both.

I don’t think at 9 you would truly know your own sexuality.

If you let her know now it’s ok to be whatever she wants to be and love who she wants to love then I’m sure that will reassure her in the future that she has accepting parents.

What lolk said. I don't think labels are needed yet and regardless of sexuality 9 feels a bit young to be getting bogged down in romance anyway.

I think it's lovely that your so close to be able to be having the conversation at all OP.

Thanks for the replies!
I know relationship isn't really a fitting term for the age I just couldn't think of what else to write. I'm just going to keep being open and just speaking to her about whatever she wants to when and not tell anyone anything till she's ready to talk to other people. Thanks

Sounds wise OP

I knew I liked girls at around 7.

When everyone was crushing on boys I was crushing on older girls in my school.

It's funny how people never questions straight kids ability to know their sexuality . You never get parents asking 'are you sure you're not gay? How can you know?'

Having had teens go through this age recently, there's a lot of talk about being gay/bi, so in some ways it's great as it opens up the dialogue, on the other hand, it can lead to quite young children then trying to fit in their not quite relationships into these boxes. Keep talking, and I think your dd will work it out in her own time.

I most definitely knew I was gay at 9 and would say that is roughly the age where I first started struggling with the thought of it. I kept it to myself though and i lost sleep over it, I wish I had spoken to my mum then! Of course I then buried the thought of it until later in my teens! You sound a good mum, keep open all forms of communication on it, and make sure she knows its okay to stay neutral about everything until she is a bit older

DS told me he was gay at 10. I believed him, because although I knew nothing about sexuality as such, I had crushes on boys, not girls, at that age. And so did he.

I think it's important to let her know however she feels is ok.
She may always prefer girls, She may later prefer boys, She may like both.
Who she ends up with later in life may just come down to whether she falls in love with a girl or boy first.
Doesn't matter. Let her know it's all ok, go with the flow, life's a journey and all that.
So long as she knows you love her and support her choices.

Maybe you should have a chat with her tell her she is nine and really really doesn't need to worry about all this till she is older tell her it's ok to like boys and girls or both but not to make it her lifes focus just yet

Good question. Can you know you're straight at 9? I have no idea. Can you? I guess so, as some people seem to say they knew. Equally some seem to say they knew they were gay at 7. I find it all bizarre as I definitely wasn't interested til puberty, which was at least 13. I remember having crushes, but mostly on gay pop stars so god only knows what that means.

I have never encouraged any of my kids in girl/boy friend talk at primary, so i'd probably stick to that line regardless of hetero/gay inclinations

I'd just let her be who she wants to be and not worry about it.

I had crushes on girls and boys at that age and older but it was their personality that I was attracted to. When I became an older teenager I realised that I was more attracted to males from a physical point of view. I think 9 is pretty young to have any idea really.

Just ensure that she knows you love her whatever and she can always come to you. Yes it's quite possible, a friend of ours had a crush on our dd around that age (dd was older) and came out as gay around 13, no surprise to anyone but her parents waited for her to instigate the conversation. Actually it's now mega trendy to be pan sexual as a teenager these days, no more labels, they just love who they love - not long term relationships just having fun! No I don't really get it but my DD's are so liberal!!!

Unless she’s started puberty I would say no. Obviously younger children do go through different stages in psychosexual development but I’m pretty sure they don’t develop a sexuality until puberty hits

I had my first girlfriend when I was 10, it was my best friend and it only lasted for a day, as she broke up for the same reasons as your daughter's friend. I was quite hurt by this, so I get how your daughter must feel.

That said, kids do experiment with their sexuality, even when very young, it's a part of growing up, so she may be gay, she may be bi, she may be straight. I don't think it's necessary to label it until she wants or needs to.

Just support her in her heartbreak, that's all you can do really. But don't focus too much on whether she is gay or not yet.

I'm a lesbian and I didn't realise I was into girls until I was 16, despite all the signs being there, but I'm glad I wasn't pushed to come out in any way, despite my mum knowing from when I was even younger.

Ds1 came out when he was 11, he had been thinking about it for a year. He’s 20 now and yes still very much gay! But I agree wholeheartedly with a pp who said we don’t question straight kids so why should we question gay kids. Hetero isn’t the default ‘setting’. I knew I fancied boys aged 7/8/9, so I would assume if I had been gay I would have fancied girls at aged 7/8/9

Another one here who definitely knew they were gay at that age. Kept it very very hidden and didn’t come out until 21 though. I love that everything is so open now!

I had crushes on guys when I was 8/9/10. Knew I was gay then. Still gay!