Dd 13 - has told everyone in school she is gay - worried about bullying

[BerylStreep]

Sorry this is epically long.

I found out last month that my DD 13 is gay. I saw it on her bio on a social media website. I asked her about it and she said that she had felt like that for a while. We had a chat and I told her that regardless of what path she chose in life, that both DH and I loved her and we're proud of her and wanted her to be happy.

During the discussion I said that I thought she was a bit young to put labels on herself, and I didn't think it was a good idea for her to have it on social
media. She agreed to amend it. We also talked about homophobia, especially in the part of the UK we live in (she had raised this in the conversation).

I have to admit it came as a bit of a shock to me, I suppose because like many parents, I had always envisaged a path of grow up, try lots of relationships, meet your life partner (had never considered anything other than male) and settle down and possibly have DC. But I recognise it is her life and she needs to live it as she wants.

Dd knows that a condition of having her mobile phone is that I check it periodically. I looked at it the other day, and she has sent a WhatsApp message to her whole class saying she is setting up a school LGBT WhatsApp community and does anyone want to join. She goes to an all girls school. I also saw the LGBT WhatsApp group which has a few girls on it, and is full of a lot of gay memes.

I spoke to her and told her I didn't think she should have done that. I'm worried about homophobic bullying, about girls or parents saying that don't want their dds getting changed in front of her at PE, about advances during school time either to or by DD (one of her texts suggested something may have already gone on during school) and that DD is too young to start labelling herself as gay as she might well change her feelings in the future and it would be hard for her to come back from that if she is so out and proud.

She has form for completely over sharing on WhatsApp, and we have had many many conversations about it (hence the condition of her having the phone is that I check it). When we talked about her sharing this with her whole class she became upset and said she didn't think it was anything to be ashamed of, and I had to try to explain that it's not, but that she still shouldn't be sharing her personal business with all and sundry. I drew a comparison with a chronic neck problem I have. I have only discussed it and the impact it has on me with colleagues I like and trust. There are other colleagues who dislike me and would try to twist it against me to say I'm not up to the job. I tried to get her to see that although my neck issue isn't anything to be ashamed of, it's still my personal business that I don't share widely.

I suppose I could do with a bit of advice. I'm still adjusting, I want to support my DD, but am worried about the repercussions if she is shouting out and proud.

This is something that kind of goes with the territory now. Young people explore their identity in a much more open way than they used to. My son is gay and did get bullied at school but had some amazing comebacks like 'you just want my number really' and 'c**k is my favourite flavour' which was shocking to me but I felt he was better at judging the situation. My daughter thought she was gay for a time until she realised she just really, really admired someone. Took a while but she worked through it in her own time. My advice would be to let her be who she wants and challenge the bullying when/if it happens. The school has a duty of care to all students and if you can keep those chats going and she tells you if she is being bullied then you can agree the plan to deal with that.

My son has lots of gay friends. It is quite common now and people don’t really get bullied for it like they used to

hello, sorry to start a new message on here after all this time! I am in exactly the same position with my DD..did ot work out for you?
I would like to confide in one of my (gay) best friends.. he is very trustworthy, however DD has not allowed me to say anything to her Dad..all her friends know, and am worried about bullying etc

Really interested in this, as my 12 yo Dd has told me that she thinks she is gay.

I don’t have trouble talking to her about it, but I don’t know what to advise re coming out at school. She says she’s nervous to in case of bullying and I don’t know what the right reaction is.

my DD is gay, all her friends know, I think there are a few gay teens at her school..I do worry though

My Eldest DD is 10 and she's gay. I think I've always known (Used to only play with boys because she said girls were too pretty) since puberty begun she is positive she's gay. Shes got good amount of girl friends now and recently told them all she's gay, they were all starting to get boyfriends at school and wanted to set her up with boys so she felt it was time to say lol.

She hasn't really experienced much bullying over it. I did talk to her about bullying maybe being an issue now that people know but made it clear that its not because there's anything wrong with her.. it's them that has the problem.

My other DD is 8, there is only 19 months between them and they are fiercely protective over each other so people tend not to pick on them because the other will intervene. They have the same friend groups and are always together. Recently at the park an older boy called my eldest a "fat lesbian" and my youngest quickly responded "your just scared she'll steal your girlfriends cause your ugly" for 8 she's quick with the come backs.

I don't really know what to say, just keep reassuring him if it does happen it isn't his fault, he shouldn't have to apologise or feel bad for the way he is. It's difficult for us parents because we always worry about the what if's, we are usually more worried than our kids.

Sorry I meant **her

Apologies for jumping on your thread. My DD 11 (nearly 12) told me that she is a lesbian last night. Obviously I said to her that we don't mind and that we love her whatever path, or paths, she decides to take in life.

I said, like many of the PPs above, that she doesn't need to label herself as anything right now, and that it's fine to have feelings for boys and girls. She told a girl in her year she liked her, and apparently the other girl was nice about it.

What I am most worried about though is how she will deal with potential nastiness and bullies at her school. She's only this year made a really good group of girlfriends and seems so happy.

I don't really know what I'm asking here, just looking for a bit of reassurance. Also, she asked me not to tell her dad...I don't know what to do about that either!

Hello! It’s nice to find some company on here. My DD (11) told me she was lesbian about 6 months ago when she was 10. She’s told a few friends at school & her teacher & hasn’t had too much drama about it. I think children are much more open about these things than we were. I wasn’t expecting her to be so sure about it at the age of 10 though.

DS told me yesterday that he is bi. He's 12 and in year 7 at a mixed secondary.
I have similar concerns to some pp's about him labelling himself (albeit by saying he's bi, he's giving himself some flexibility there!) at such a young age and about potential bullying.
At the same time, I don't want him to feel that I am rejecting him or his feelings or that I think there is something wrong with them that he needs to hide it.
I guess I am still fairly naive and wasn't expecting to hit these kinds of concerns for a while yet.
How have others navigated this?

My daughter is a lesbian, and is quite open about it, carries a rainbow bag, wears a couple of lesbian badges and the pride badge on her uniform at school. She has had no problem with other girls being mean, she is really popular and has some lovely friends, gay and straight. However some of the boys are a bit mean, mainly due to their immaturity. I want to tell her they are jealous as she will be stealing all the beautiful girls but thought that wasn't very adult of me!
I think trust your child, and realise that being a lesbian is a wonderful thing, your daughter will have an amazing future in front of her

My dd is 17 and has loads of gay friends, most of whom came out aged 13/14 at school and everyone was absolutely fine with it. Wasn’t even an issue at all. As others say I really don’t think it’s the “thing” it was when we were at school.

I don’t think it’s an issue but I definitely don’t think you should encourage your dc to hide something about themselves in case it leads to discrimination and tbh it sounds as though there is a bit of homophobia from parents who view it that way.

How are they going to talk to their friends normally etc about crushes and growing up, if said friends don’t know they’re gay? Honestly, having to hide it is far more damaging than any comments. And if there’s serious bullying there are channels to address that - but bullying doesn’t mean the dc should have kept quiet about it! It means the bullying needs addressing!

I am not homophobic in the slightest.. I used to go to a lot of gay bars with friends when I was younger, and have some great gay friends.
I have worried about repercussions for my DC, but it's only because i remember how it was when i was at school..if my DC goes out holding hands with their other half i do worry it will attract negative attention, even though i have made it clear that there is nothing at all wrong with being gay.
fortunately times have changed a lot, but I worry about people taking an excuse to target those who they perceive as 'different'. I worry too much anyway though!

Whether she is bullied might depend on the school. Things are better than even ten years ago but not everywhere. But like PPs said, she shouldn't be encouraged to hide who she is because of potential homophobes. What part of the UK are you in if you don't mind saying?

We had a chat and I told her that regardless of what path she chose in life, that both DH and I loved her and we're proud of her and wanted her to be happy.

Not really a choice.

You’ve just compared being gay to your chronic neck problem.

Yeah, kind of implies that being gay is a problem...

🙈 Can't get past comparing sexuality to a neck problem.
Also your sexuality isn't a path to chose. Did you actively chose heterosexuality?

Just let her be herself. Look up things that will be suitable for her to read, there's a website called positively lesbian I saw on another thread, I sent the link to my daughter, after reading it myself there was nothing in there I thought she couldn't cope with aged 14.
By the way, being lesbian or bisexual isn't a choice, it's how you are, like hair colour and size of your feet! It's something to be celebrated with her that she knows what she wants. I think women today are in a different situation from 20, 30 years when we were at school.
I remember having serious crushes on lots of girls at school, and a couple of boys. It was very hard and I didn't tell anyone about the girls I adored, only the boys. Looking back I wonder what life would be like if I had felt accepted as I was?

I think you need to reconsider your homophobia. You're basically saying it's ok for your daughter to be gay so long as noone knows about it?

As for being too early to label herself, you had clearly already envisaged her as heterosexual in your mind, without being worried it was too early for that.

@Palavah

I think you need to reconsider your homophobia. You're basically saying it's ok for your daughter to be gay so long as noone knows about it?

As for being too early to label herself, you had clearly already envisaged her as heterosexual in your mind, without being worried it was too early for that.

This. OP, when reading your post I give vibes of homophobia. I think it's pretty incredible that your daughter is leading the charge to set up a L.G.B.T.Q.I.A.+ (correction to the above), and connecting with other girls her age within the lesbian community. I would suggest to consider changing your approach to supporting her and offering guidance - the control that you are using will ultimately push your daughter away.

suppose because like many parents, I had always envisaged a path of grow up, try lots of relationships, meet your life partner (had never considered anything other than male) and settle down and possibly have DC. But I recognise it is her life and she needs to live it as she wants.

Your daughter's sexuality has no bearing on this. She can grow up, date lots of different types of people, meet her life partner, settle down, and have a child. Whether her partner is female or male doesn't matter. This is really concerning to me.

While I am a straight woman, growing up an older cousin came to live with my family to finish school as my aunt could not accept she is a lesbian. Their relationship never recovered.

Sounds like she's going to face more homophobia from her mother than from her school mates.

Honestly I think she'll be fine. Kids are all talking about sexuality these days, because everyone else is too. And if she does suffer homophobic bullying she has the force of the law behind her to help.

I think it's great that kids can talk about sexuality these days - and the best thing is that they don't seem to pigeonhole themselves forever about it.

In your shoes I would be having another conversation about this and tell her that you've been thinking about it and this situation is all so unusual for you (because when we were this age it WAS still taboo) that you might have made her feel she has to hide herself. I think it's OK to tread this path together rather than advise her when you don't fully understand what youth culture is these days (and which parent does??)