Why am I finding this so hard?

[AEJS]

Two weeks ago my 14 year old DD came out as trans. I know she would prefer me to refer to her as he and as my DS but I’m just not ready for that quite yet. Please don’t judge me.

After much discussion we have agreed, DH,DD and I that she may dress as a boy, she already has short hair. We have a GP appointment next week to talk about counselling and getting her referred to the Tavistock centre. My DH feels it’s too soon for name changes etc and we are both worried about confusing our 12 year old DS.

Today I helped her choose some new, more masculine clothes including boys trousers for school. I was fine while helping and then when I stopped to think about what I had just done my heart broke all over again. I am a very tolerant person and not at all anti trans but this is my little girl we are talking about. I am terrified about what the future holds for her.

I have told her that I love her and I will be behind her supporting her 100% and I mean it. I’m just so sad.

Interesting thread. Thank you for input. I am really struggling to understand why pronouns are so important. That is a genuine question.

@yes17 the question about pronouns was for you. Please? To be clear I completely get why a 'fully transitioned' person who passed would want to use the pronouns for the sex they passed as.

But for people new to gender change it seems like pronouns are so important and I do want to understand why.

@italiangreyhound thank you for your question. Just to clarify, I myself am not transgender, although I am still part of the LGBTQ+ community (and not just an ally) so I can only speak from information that I've overheard in the media and read on social media.

I believe that pronouns are important for people new to gender change because gender change is only one aspect of "it." (I say "it" as I'm not sure how to summarize into 1-2 words)

Gender change is only a small part of one's gender, for example, the surgery when transitioning.

Gender identity can come waaaayyyyy before gender change. This is why pronouns are important.

for example: a person assigned female at birth may realize that they are actually a male or vice versa.

Those who are transgender do not "want" or "choose" to be transgender, they are transgender.

Using the pronouns that suit them will allow for both you and them to adapt to their true self.

I hope i have been able to answer your question. If not, I'll try to rephrase it if you'd like :)

@yes17 Thank you for your answer.

You love and accept your children of course but surely there’s a form of grief in losing the daughter you had?

Lovely to see you exploring the idea and thinking about how to move forward. I think it's amazing that they trusted ypu enough to come out to you xxx My suggestion would be to give them room to explore and support them. I went through childhood unable to express myself and have had to wait until much later in life. But even when coming out in my 50's my Mum at 83 has been so supportive. My advice would be to talk to other parents who are going through this - groups like Allsorts www.allsortsyouth.org.uk/ have parents groups as do Mermaids www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/resources-for-parents.html Having a child exploring their gender really opens your eyes to a whole new way of looking at life.

vickyjgo

Vicky you have turned up on a pile of old zombie threads today to advertise Allsorts and Mermaids.
Are you the parent of an LGBT child? Please let the parents in the LGBT parents section give each other some peer support as they deal with difficult issues.
This isn't the place to advertise.