12 yr old wants to change gender

[Flutterbyem]

What should i do? My 12 year old child has left me a note telling me they dont like being female, they dont like their hair long their voice but they want me to be proud. Obviously more in the note but its come from no where of my knowledge ( im guessing for them its not from no where) i have read so much and am still at a loss. I love my child for who they are not what they look like or what gender they are. I have let her know that ive read it and am proud of her for letting me know and that we will have a clearer talk when their little brother is not around. Its a shock but im more shocked that their worried about how i would feel their happiness is all that matters!

I feel guilty for calling them by their gender or name as this was clearly stated they want to be called he and a name. But i am just lost please could anyone offer any advice

Hello Flutter. You are not alone.

There is a lot of information out there - you will no doubt be confused and frightened. It is an extremely complex and emotive thing for you and your child. There is no one reason why she might feel this way, but obviously it is really important that she knows you love her no matter what, and you aren't dismissing what she is saying.

I am on the sceptical side (to say the least) - I think it is rare that a child has a mismatched brain and body (whatever that might mean) and it is far more likely that your child is struggling with something else which is manifesting itself as feeling like the opposite gender. You will no doubt hear from others who will tell you to embrace and celebrate the new authentic self, and that she has been assigned the wrong sex at birth. I would find out what she has been watching online - Youtube, Tumblr, fandoms etc - and get some control over that.

It may be that she needs to hear from you that there is no "right" way to be female. If she doesn't want long hair and girly clothes, that is fine. She may be struggling with puberty, unsure of her sexuality, and basically not wanting to grow up.

You know your child better than anyone, so what you do and say no one can really tell you. I think this article is a useful start:

4thwavenow.com/2018/05/10/the-project-of-a-lifetime-a-therapists-letter-to-a-trans-identified-teen/comment-page-1/

There are specific support groups out there but I would be wary of them at this stage.

gids.nhs.uk/parents

Lots of good info here

Hi Flutter, I can certainly empathise with you having been in this situation now for a while. If I could go back and tell myself anything I think it would be this. Try not to panic too much, I totally catastrophised the situation and let my imagination run riot and gave myself huge amounts of anxiety that didn't help. Try to remember that many teenagers and young people go through this and lots of them work it out and are happy being themselves eventually. Keep your child away from the Internet as much as you can. Take it with a pinch of salt, don't rush to the GP or anyone else unless they become depressed, this will only validate it. If you do get a counsellor get one that is sceptical of this necessarily being a permenant thing and who will address underlying anxieties instead of affirming the transgender. I say this because I believe that there are many reasons young people have feelings of gender dysphoria and not all are permenant and so not all are actually transgender. You know your child best and if you feel this has come out of the blue, ie no real signs in early childhood etc you are probably right and will have to play the waiting game to see it through its course. Let them go with hair, clothes etc but if you can delay actual social transition then that might help them to change their mind later on. I tell my child that I know the dysphoria is very real for her now but that it might not always be like that and so to wait until adulthood to make any physical changes. She has accepted this as she knows that the brain doesn't stop developing until mid twenties. There is a lot of helpful information about. Try not to panic and find someone you can really talk to.

Just remembered, when our daughter first told us we were so shocked we didn't really know what to say, so we said that we believed that her feelings were real but that it was normal for young people to question themselves and that she should give herself 6 months to really think about it before making any changes etc. She did have her hair cut short not long after but didn't tell friends apart from her best friend and still hasn't told friends or siblings, we are well over the six months now. I have been relieved but still not entirely sure it was the right thing to do, maybe she would have worked through it quicker if we had just been able to say ' OK, whatever' but I couldn't do that at the time. You know your child so will know what might work but it bought us time and we have since given her opportunities to make those changes, she hasn't yet but may well do so soon. Best of luck