DD (11) has a girlfriend

[TooSoonSurely]

DD is 11 and in her first year at secondary school.

I have known for a while that she is questioning her sexuality and it is something that we've been able to discuss - I have told her that when she's old enough to have a relationship the only thing I care about is that she's with someone that loves her, values her and treats her right. It is a new thing though since she started her secondary school. I do wonder whether it's something to do with the fact that her best friend at secondary school identifies as gay and another girl in their friendship group identifies as bisexual (they are all the same age).

I do question it - partly because last year DD was having crushes on boys at primary school (she says that her feelings changed when she hit puberty - her periods have started quite recently). Also, and this may or may not be relevant - there is a possibility that DD may be on the autistic spectrum (she's never been diagnosed - her Dad - who I'm divorced from - would lose his shit if anyone dared to suggest it - but I have wondered for a long time and it is something that some teachers have suggested too.) The reason I mention it is that DD's presentation isn't "typical" and I know from reading that girls on the spectrum can be good at masking and assimilating in order to fit in. Of course this may be a red herring.

DD did get teased a lot at primary school and struggled to fit in. I have been really relieved that she has a group of friends at secondary school who look out for one another.

Anyway, that background aside - DD has had a crush on the girl in the friendship group that identifies as bisexual for a while and yesterday evening, through texts and phone calls, they admitted to one another that they "liked" each other and decided that they wanted to be a couple.

I'm feeling pretty thrown by this for a few reasons.

1. She's only 11 FFS!!

1. I'm not convinced she really is gay

1. She's only 11 FFS!!

1. I'm worried she'll get bullied

1. She's only 11 FFS!! (OK - you get the idea)

1. If her girlfriend comes around here - I don't know whether her parents would know that she and DD are in a 'relationship', whether they'd approve and whether it would turn out I was facilitating something they didn't approve of

1. I'm worried about DD being exposed to sexual experimentation too soon. On the plus side, when we have talked about sex she is horrified by the idea and from talking to her I think this is quite innocent and will mostly involve hugging and maybe the odd kiss - but it just seems too soon for all the emotions that come with intimacy.

1. Her girlfriend is moving out of the area at the end of the school year and I'm worried that DD will be heartbroken

1. I am worried that the stability of her friendship group will be messed up with the complication of a relationship being thrown into the middle of it.

10. In her excitement, she left a voicemail for an old friend from her primary school who is friends with lots of people she knows, not all of whom have been very kind to DD in the past - saying that she has a girlfriend and being all excited about the news. Her friend hasn't replied and I'm worried about what she'll do with the information.

11. Her dad doesn't know yet. I'm not sure he is going to take the news well - not so much the being gay thing, more that she's too young - I think he's struggling with the fact she's hit puberty as it is. He's not the easiest of people at the best of times. I feel like I ought to tell him, but don't want to present it in a way that it will be seen like a disaster. I am very aware of not wanting to hurt DD and wanting to be available to her as someone trustworthy that loves her unconditionally - I don't want to mess that up.

I guess I need a bit of handholding and advice about this stuff. I wasn't expecting to have to think about any of this for another year or 2 so it's a bit of a shock.

How do I make sure my daughter is emotionally safe and acting in an age appropriate way throughout all of this? I don't want to fuck up, basically...

Thanks.

In answer to your question, you'd do it the same way you would if she was seeing a boy. It sounds as though you have an open relationship and she feels she can talk to you, that's so important. You may find that her sexuality (perceived or not) changes over the coming years, make it clear that its fine for her to feel however she does but continue to have conversations about intimacy (not just sex) and how she will feel about this (girl)friend moving away.

I agree with above poster, however I think 11 is too young to be having a relationship and experimenting with anyone.

11 is too young full stop for a boy or girl friend imo.

I think 11 is too young to be having a relationship too.

This is probably the main thing that I feel uncomfortable with. I don't know if I can say "you can't have a relationship" though - would that work at her age or would it make them go all Romeo and Juliet? I don't want her to feel that she can't talk to me.

I experimented with my sexuality around that age (end of yr 7, into yr 8). Although tbh I’m in my mid-20s now and still couldn’t properly label my sexuality so I’m not sure how helpful it was! By all means have a talk with her about appropriate physical boundaries but please don’t make her feel ashamed or question her feelings. Everything feels real and intense and exciting at that age and being told it’s just a phase or that her feelings are wrong or inappropriate is going to be so hurtful to her. Not being bullied is not a good enough reason to not do anything IMO.

If she's eleven it'll probably last a week, if that.

11 yo is too young to be having a relationship with anyone male or female.

I’d be sitting my DD down and explaining why it wasn’t allowed.

The sex of the person she wanted to be in a relationship with is irrelevant.

She may be gay or bi or straight. I think that’s irrelevant to how you handle this though.

I also experimented with my sexuality at 11 and would have resented my parents had they tried to tell me I was too young for a relationship - I would have just pursued it further and hidden it from them more! I would just say make sure she knows you're available to talk to, she is 11 and she's growing up and needs to explore and understand these feelings by herself.

I fully understand about your concerns around your DDs age, I’d be worried if anything serious relationship wise was happening at that age. (I had concerns about DSD being sexually active at 13 and was called homophobic until I pointed out that at 13 she shouldn’t be having sex with anyone it wasn’t about whether they were male or female!!!)

The rest of it, I’d let her guide you. She may be gay, she may not, but she has to be the one to tell you not the other way around iyswim?

And if you believe she’s autistic get her assessed (it’s a long drawn out process, nothing immediate) because that could help her to understand how she feels if she is autistic (I am and my kids are. I was diagnosed at 35 and it was a game changer) If her dad doesn’t like it, tell him to wind his neck in. Would he refuse to let her have medical intervention in any other circumstances?

One girlfriend aged 11 does not mean she is committing into some kind of lesbian contract for life. It doesn't matter if she is gay or not really

FWIW I had a boyfriend aged 10. I was really excited about it too. We were really just friends and it was more of an experiment with the idea of it more than anything else. I didn't actually date anyone until I was nearly 17.

I really wouldn't worry. DD had a boyfriend, and later on girlfriend for a while around that age. IME 'girlfriends' and 'boyfriends' in year 6/7/8 are definitely a thing, but very innocent and about endless messaging & maybe (if they're very brave) a bit of handholding. It's really just experimentation and playing at relationships, more than anything else.

Then they mostly seem to take a break, and restart more seriously from yr 10 onwards (DD yr 11 and hasn't restarted yet!)

The fact that some will have same sex girl/boyfriends just reflects that it's perfectly normal for older people to have same sex relationships these days, whether exclusively or a mix of same/other. It doesn't feel like a 'statement' in the same way it would have been even a few years ago, I'd say (and a good thing too!)

I think you're probably right about dd wanting to "fit in" with her new group of friends.

I remember being that age and Going Out With Someone at school just meant hanging around together at school, holding hands and telling everyone you're going out..occasionally writing I Luv (their name) on the toilet wall.

I don't think you should panic about this. It's seen as positively boring at school these days not be some version of Lesbian, gay, pansexual, trans, intersexual, asexual I may have missed some off there.

I do think you can set rules at home if the girlfriend visits; no shutting of bedroom door, no sleepovers? And perhaps discourage dd from a big Coming Out announcement to everyone she knows. Or at least do some damage limitation where you can. Most adults will probably think it's just a fad although that would be hurtful to say to her face.

She might be gay and as you say that's not a problem but she's just a child at the moment.

Other posters may have more experience than me in this area but I just want to add I think it's fantastic that your daughter feels able to be so open and honest with you about how she is feeling and what she is going through. You clearly have a strong relationship which will help her find a way through enabling to build in confidence as she goes. In my opinion it is totally normal to start having crushes and relationships in early puberty and for you as her mum to feel anxious and want to protect her.
I wouldn't be surprised if the other childs' parent has worries too, just as you both would should your children be dating somebody of the opposite sex. As other posters have said i don't think the gender matters. Hope all goes well.

I think also it's not the same as if she were dating a boy. For some it takes a lot to come out and say they're gay and there's the risk of being labelled if when she's older she turns out to be straight. But you'd be undermining her feelings if you were to tell her she may not be gay, as as far as she knows, she's gay.
I think maybe you could tell her it's not appropriate to have relationships just yet, but that whatever her feelings are she is free to explore them and it's ok to feel the way she does.

While I agree with PPs about 11 being too young for a relationship, this isn't a real relationship and when you tell her she can't do it, it's likely that she will not stop what she's doing, rather she'll just stop telling you about it. Keep the dialogue open.

11 is a bit young for a child to be thinking about having a relationship with anyone.

Thanks for your posts everyone.

Bobbiepin - that's pretty much how I'm seeing it - I want to keep the dialogue open. I'm worried that if I shut her down on this (as I'm pretty convinced her Dad will - I think it's why she's not felt able to tell him yet) it would take away a lot of trust that long term could stop her seeing me as someone she can talk to.

It's heartening to see posts about how sometimes children DDs age "play at" relationships. I do think it's more like that, but I can't help being anxious at the same time and feeling this is all too soon.

I haven't dismissed DDs feelings, though I did advise her to keep an open mind about her sexuality and not to 'label' herself too soon. I also talked to her about the fact that I had crushes on a couple of female friends in my teens, but in my case I ended up being straight. I suppose I don't want her to pigeon-hole herself into an identity when she's still learning about herself.

For what it's worth, I'd not be happy if she had a boyfriend either!

The thing is, she's 11 but most of her year group are 12. Some of them will turn 13 this calendar year. So it's hard.

I think I would wait and watch but make sure she knows what is appropriate sexually with either M or F. eg kissing is OK but any sort of "pants" stuff isn't.

Funnily enough we are going through something similar with our DS (13) - diagnosed with Aspergers if it's relevant? He's a complete computer geek and he has developed an intense friendship with a 16 yr old American guy online. He started acting very defensively whenever we questioned him about his new friend and eventually announced that he had developed 'feelings' for him and he was now his boyfriend. Having established that this person is who he says he is (and not 'Dave, a 45 yr old from Birmingham') we're going 'with' it for now. BUT we have 'nonchalantly' floated the idea that it's possible to love someone without being in love with them. That there is a big difference between loving your best friend who just totally gets you and you have the best time together, and loving your partner. We are taking baby steps and embracing his 'homosexuality' whilst trying to encourage him not to announce it to the world or commit to it. We honestly think he has just found someone who understands him and who really enjoys communicating with him - which is a first for him (being autistic he's never really developed any good friendships before) which may be the same for your daughter?

So what I'm trying to say is you're not alone! Keep the channels of communication open and neither encourage or discourage her relationship - but be there for her!

Thank you

I think Sadik is absolutely spot on. I also don't think there is really any such thing as "pigeonholing". If she had a boyfriend at age 11, you would not worry that she was pigeonholing herself as straight. It's no different, especially as there is much less stigma these days.

I guess the thing about 'pigeonholing' is that my experience of people coming out as gay has been, rightly or wrongly, that it's been a big statement about their identity and it has stuck and had a big impact on how others perceive them (not necessarily negatively). I'm not sure that DD is in a place to make a massive statement about her identity - especially when she was having crushes on boys a year ago and she is very probably modelling her identity on her current peer group - so things may change again for her.

My memory of puberty is my thoughts and feelings being all over the place and it taking me a while to work out who I was in the world.

Of course I'm considerably older than DD and I know times have changed...

In a way the being gay thing is a red herring - my concerns there are around how people will treat DD and also about whether her girlfriend's parents are aware that they are viewing themselves as being "in a relationship" and not knowing their feelings and boundaries around this. It's not like primary school where I got to meet and talk to other parents!

If it turns out DD genuinely is gay that is absolutely fine with me. The main thing here is the fact that she's so young - if she was a couple of years older I'd feel very differently about all of this.

I think that makes sense if a person is coming out at say 14 or 16 or older. I'm not sure that it's likely to cloud anybody's judgement of her when she's 11 years old, mainly I suppose because I find it hard to imagine most people taking much notice.

To me, at 11, all it means is "I like girls" - that could mean that she likes girls and will always like girls, it could mean that she likes girls and boys, or it could mean that she likes girls right now but later on she'll discover that "liking boys" is a different kind of feeling and that she had more friendship type feelings for her girlfriend. I don't think there is the expectation these days that young people pick a "box" and stick to it.

The other thing is I don't know how to play it if she gets invited to her girlfriend's house?

I can impose boundaries here such as keeping the bedroom door open, but I can't there.

I don't know whether it's appropriate to discuss with this girl's mother - I don't know if she's able to talk about stuff like this with her Mum or what the reception to it would be. I don't want to 'out' her or stir up a hornets nest there - at the same time it would be nice to be able to discuss things like this. If this was a 'boyfriend' I guess there'd be no issue with approaching the parent to have a sensible discussion!