I Am Transgender - Ask Me Anything

[Craicken]

Hello

Allow me to preface this thread with some preliminary information:

My name is Jessica
I am not currently a mother
I am a trans woman
I am university educated
I have not started hormones
I am also pansexual (Ask me about sexuality too)
I first came out at age 14
I live in the UK

With that out of the way, the reason I decided to join mumsnet and create this thread is to try and put to rest some of the fairly startling things I've read here about being transgender, and provide a credible real trans source for you to connect with.

To begin, I want to talk about the idea of "too young" because I'll be quite honest, in the current climate this is something I struggle to find a reasonable conclusion for too. My personal opinion is that if a child exhibits signs of being genderqueer before the age of 13 or 14 it is your responsibility to guide your child through these feelings where ever they lead, because once puberty starts if your child really is trans it can have an extremely damaging effect. This is particularly true for trans women, testosterone warps your body in ways that oestrogen cannot easily fix and allowing this process to take place will only aid in dysphoria.

That being said I am not a child behavioural psychologist, I don't know when is a reasonable time for a child to make this decision of their own free will but I do believe from my own experience that if a child is truly dysphoric they will let you know and if this is at a young age please don't ignore them. It is your job as a parent to explain the idea of dysphoria so that your child can elaborate on these feelings if they occur, and if they want to pursue hormones help them.

My point here is that the earlier it can be caught the less damage is done, in the case of a trans person who feels dysphoria and wants hormones.

Secondly I want to talk about the process of coming out, and your reaction as a parent. The number one thing a child is looking for when they come out to you is acceptance and support, and its more than likely theyll be happy to answer your questions about how they feel to the best of their ability if you just sit down and hash it out with them. They may be going through a very confusing time and you should be there for them. Take an active interest, read up on sources from real trans people, learn what your child wants from their transition and help them. Offer therapy sessions with credible counsellors for your child, it is far easier to explain your thought processes to a stranger.

Finally I'd like to very briefly address stigma and the GRA to an extent. I've seen some bizarre reactions on this website to a child coming out as trans and as someone who's been through it as a teen and has come out of the other side ready to start hormones and living their life as a woman I just want to say it's not scary. I'm not the boogeywoman. I go for coffee, I have barbecues with my friends, I enjoy a good dog. If this is something your child chooses to share with you it's something to be celebrated, not feared. They have searched their soul and come to the conclusion that this is what will make them happy and at the end of the day we're only here for so long, why stop them from living them on their own terms. In regards to the GRA I don't want to start an argument with TERFs, this thread is for the benefit of parents with queer children and is not in the feminist section, but I want to point out that I as a trans woman am terrified of going into woman's changing rooms in New Look or wherever because of the stigma I may receive, but I do so as a woman. The big burly man people seem to envision claiming to be a woman just to sneak a peak simply doesn't exist. Talks about changes to the GRA start this summer and I implore you, work together with trans people on this because that spectre of the big burly man is the enemy of progress here, not me trying on a skirt.

I doubt I've been as eloquent as I hoped to be here, and if any other trans people come across this thread please feel free to correct me on any bullshit but for now, ask me any questions you have and I'll answer them as an honest trans woman.

NB: my thoughts on transitioning at a younger age should be taken with a grain of salt as I myself don't have peer reviewed sources to back my opinions up, but I'll do my best to answer questions. The long and short of it is if your child is firm in their belief take them to therapy.

[titchy]

I suppose they can now post on Twitter about the literal violence they experienced from the MN terfs. So job done for them I guess.

[Starkstaring]

OP - I kind of appreciate your input but share some of the concerns above.


My questions:
Do you personally have any concerns about the long term use of cross sex hormones?

Do you think it very strange (barbaric even?) that it is seen as progressive for individuals who do not conform to gender stereotypes to be have to change through invasive medical treatment rather than for society to change to allow them to live comfortably as the sex they were born?

[AnnUnderTheFryingPan]

These so many of these threads now, and the OP disappears.

I wonder if they are being started to provoke MN. I’m becoming very suspicious and sceptical as to whether the OPs are genuine, or if they want to stir up some of the non-existent Mumsnet Transphobia?

Trouble is, they all to often turn out rational and supportive.

Nothing to see here.

[beansforbreakfastonceagain]

"I Am a Mansplainer- Ask Me Anything! Until you ask something challenging and then I will bolt and never be seen again." Fuck all like Datun and others (sorry, I don't frequent this board anywhere near often enough to name others but I know there are, I apologise profusely) who stick around and contribute to the discussion.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

" The cultural definition of man includes stereotypes, like playing with trucks."

Jesus H Christ is that really where we are at? in 2018?

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

I love vehicles and driving, always did inc when I was a child.
Should I have grown a dick?

[Leleophants]

It's really hard for me to understand (although I am of course sympathetic!) I can't relate or understand as don't feel like my personality is female, if that makes sense! Maybe things that are hormonal or the cultural around me has shaped my personality, sure. But if I was in a male body, I think I would be the same person and just have different body parts. Is it just me? Are people really happier when they change?

Also interesting how people who become transgender then tend to dress in stereotypically male or female clothes (the few I have known!) Do you know anyone who has become transgender and dressed gender netural and doesn't feel the need to identify as a gender strongly?

[FleurNancy]

Peanut That is the single most balanced, sensible and reasoned trans post I have ever read on this site. It's really reassuring to read in these crazy times, thank you for posting.

OP: meh...

[OdeToDiazepam]

Yawn..

peanut

[karenhill33]

The only reason the OP assumes the people of Mumsnet (and not just the men and women ) is because the amount of transphobia on this site is appalling, I've been here not five minutes, and I can understand why no trans person (because everyone is a person) wants to visit this site.

[Mysterian]

1. There are several regular trans posters on MN already. Not sure we really need another,... From a poster on page 1.

Imagine if they had written "There are several regular black posters on MN already. Not sure we really need another". Is there really a limit on minority groups on Mumsnet?

[Aridane]

Exactly!!

[EpicParent]

@Leleophants Hi, I'm not OP but I'm also trans and could provide some insight.

Many people feel being the opposite gender wouldn't change them as a person, this means they're perfectly happy as who they are, regardless. For many trans people, they can't see themselves happy as the gender they were assigned at birth and so choose to transition. For a lot of us, myself included, transitioning was a cure to depression and self harm, and I can safely say I am much happier (and alive) because of my transition!

To address your second point, you're absolutely right. Many trans people dress especially gender-conforming because after living however long hating how they look, the fact that they can now dress and present how they would like feels euphoric! I personally went super feminine in the way I present early in transition as it made me feel happier and more comfortable with myself. After a few years of this, I now wear whatever I want, sometimes feminine, sometimes masculine, sometimes neutral.

Not identifying as a gender strongly can point to things like being non-binary, but I don't want to talk for them :) Thank you for asking legitimate questions in what's otherwise a pretty vile thread!