I Am Transgender - Ask Me Anything

[Craicken]

Hello

Allow me to preface this thread with some preliminary information:

My name is Jessica
I am not currently a mother
I am a trans woman
I am university educated
I have not started hormones
I am also pansexual (Ask me about sexuality too)
I first came out at age 14
I live in the UK

With that out of the way, the reason I decided to join mumsnet and create this thread is to try and put to rest some of the fairly startling things I've read here about being transgender, and provide a credible real trans source for you to connect with.

To begin, I want to talk about the idea of "too young" because I'll be quite honest, in the current climate this is something I struggle to find a reasonable conclusion for too. My personal opinion is that if a child exhibits signs of being genderqueer before the age of 13 or 14 it is your responsibility to guide your child through these feelings where ever they lead, because once puberty starts if your child really is trans it can have an extremely damaging effect. This is particularly true for trans women, testosterone warps your body in ways that oestrogen cannot easily fix and allowing this process to take place will only aid in dysphoria.

That being said I am not a child behavioural psychologist, I don't know when is a reasonable time for a child to make this decision of their own free will but I do believe from my own experience that if a child is truly dysphoric they will let you know and if this is at a young age please don't ignore them. It is your job as a parent to explain the idea of dysphoria so that your child can elaborate on these feelings if they occur, and if they want to pursue hormones help them.

My point here is that the earlier it can be caught the less damage is done, in the case of a trans person who feels dysphoria and wants hormones.

Secondly I want to talk about the process of coming out, and your reaction as a parent. The number one thing a child is looking for when they come out to you is acceptance and support, and its more than likely theyll be happy to answer your questions about how they feel to the best of their ability if you just sit down and hash it out with them. They may be going through a very confusing time and you should be there for them. Take an active interest, read up on sources from real trans people, learn what your child wants from their transition and help them. Offer therapy sessions with credible counsellors for your child, it is far easier to explain your thought processes to a stranger.

Finally I'd like to very briefly address stigma and the GRA to an extent. I've seen some bizarre reactions on this website to a child coming out as trans and as someone who's been through it as a teen and has come out of the other side ready to start hormones and living their life as a woman I just want to say it's not scary. I'm not the boogeywoman. I go for coffee, I have barbecues with my friends, I enjoy a good dog. If this is something your child chooses to share with you it's something to be celebrated, not feared. They have searched their soul and come to the conclusion that this is what will make them happy and at the end of the day we're only here for so long, why stop them from living them on their own terms. In regards to the GRA I don't want to start an argument with TERFs, this thread is for the benefit of parents with queer children and is not in the feminist section, but I want to point out that I as a trans woman am terrified of going into woman's changing rooms in New Look or wherever because of the stigma I may receive, but I do so as a woman. The big burly man people seem to envision claiming to be a woman just to sneak a peak simply doesn't exist. Talks about changes to the GRA start this summer and I implore you, work together with trans people on this because that spectre of the big burly man is the enemy of progress here, not me trying on a skirt.

I doubt I've been as eloquent as I hoped to be here, and if any other trans people come across this thread please feel free to correct me on any bullshit but for now, ask me any questions you have and I'll answer them as an honest trans woman.

NB: my thoughts on transitioning at a younger age should be taken with a grain of salt as I myself don't have peer reviewed sources to back my opinions up, but I'll do my best to answer questions. The long and short of it is if your child is firm in their belief take them to therapy.

why do so many transpeople come on here offering to 'answer any questions?'

It's so bloody patronising

They want attention and a combination of "Transphobic" posts to link to on Twitter and/or a rousing chorus of "YOU'RE SO STUNNINGANDBRAVE HUN!"

Hi OP,
Mumsnet gets villified a lot on twitter. It’s really not so bad - there are a fair few trans users around.
Much as I don’t agree with a lot of what “Terfs” say I think it is unfair to portray them as irrational and reactionary with notions of “boogeywoman” etc. They have legitimate concerns and are being threatened with violence by some activists for voicing them (although I can certainly criticise some of the things they say as well)

‘Terfs’. Just no Puttin.

Op gonna be busy. Much questions.

Just read a thread on twitter where they reported (on twitter to the Met) the thread on what would peak trans the world. They photoshopped a bunch of posts about child safeguarding. 🤔 Rocker, absolutely off.

I have friends in the same boat, peanut. Whatever it takes to reach equanimity as an adult. I actually don't know at what age you transitioned, but the majority of parenting challenges (especially with younger children) seem to be stereotype-driven. The body dysphoria seems to be predominately a later/ teenage thing (which is entirely in line with normal body changes during puberty). The original watch and wait guidelines out of GICs that are routinely dismissed as conversion therapy and billed as transphobic are an appropriate guideline to see children and young people through to adulthood and allow for maturing (both physically and mentally). The rush to use puberty blockers is not an appropriate response. It doesn't allow children to experience puberty - a normal process that you need to move through in order to become comfortable with your body in the vast majority of cases. Of course there still will be a few cases of dysphoria, but en masses puberty blocking? Completely counter-productive. You aren't even allowing children to become comfortable with their own body. You are medicalising against them doing so.
The fear of allowing research into detransition is a big red flag, and I understand why the most vocal transactivists are vehemently against it, and why there is such a recruitment campaign for children and young people.
It's going to be a disaster in a few years. The rising numbers of pharmaceutical claims against T-gel are something I am keeping my eye on, and that hasn't even factored the trans population yet. Yet.

OP I grew up (many moons ago) knowing closely a friend of the family who was born female, wanted to be identified as male all through pre teens, to the extent we called her by a male name, she then went through puberty and became a female lesbian. Which she still is to this day. I thank god she wasn't given puberty blockers, reassignment surgery or whatever. Because it all worked out in the end. Oh and she's also a mum. Sometimes these things can actually be a phase rather than definitive and so I think it's important to keep that in mind.

That being said I am not a child behavioural psychologist, I don't know when is a reasonable time for a child to make this decision of their own free will but I do believe from my own experience that if a child is truly dysphoric they will let you know and if this is at a young age please don't ignore them. It is your job as a parent to explain the idea of dysphoria so that your child can elaborate on these feelings if they occur, and if they want to pursue hormones help them.

My child is dysphoric. My job, as a parent, is to help my child as much as possible without the use of blockers, hormones, or anything else that will impact on their future choices.

Christ, if the choices I made at age 12 had been forced on me my whole life I would be married to a guy who never talked but wore cool bandanas, be running a take that fan club and have a tattoo on my face.

Please do not think you can come on here and tell me how to parent a child with gender dysphoria, I've been doing it for a bloody long time now.

Christ, if the choices I made at age 12 had been forced on me my whole life I would be married to a guy who never talked but wore cool bandanas, be running a take that fan club and have a tattoo on my face.

I think that just about sums it up. That would be a great thread actually. "If you had to live with the choices you made age 12, what would your life look like now?"

@AnnUnderTheFryingPan
Please note the scare quotes

I still exhibit gender incorrect behaviours. I started to show them at a very early age. I do not identify as trans.

I feel that if i had decided to internalise my gender mismatch by assuming my body was wrong that I would be a much less happy person than I am today. Instead, I externalised it. I decided ( my mother told me) my body was something I was stuck with and that it was society that was wrong. This approach helps you accept all you strengths and weaknesses which is why I think it is a good model to teach children. I am aware that in some cases this approach will fail, but I think it should be the default.

So my first question to you is what support if any did you have to become a gender non typical man?

My second question to you is: would you use my approach of "accept yourself and accept that bad people exsist who will fail to accept you" for other potentially challenging situations such as coping with being a coloured child in a white school? Coping with being less clever than other children?coping with sexual abuse? If so what is special about gender that means you think it should be treated different?

And the final question. how come if you think you are a woman you do not understand why women want safe sex spaces? Beyond sexual organs, that is probably the single most unifying characteristic of women. Not shared by all of course.

Btw, my definition of woman here is born female and socialised as such.

MsGame that sound a like a great thread please do it!

The cultural definition of man includes stereotypes, like playing with trucks.

but I want to point out that I as a trans woman am terrified of going into woman's changing rooms in New Look or wherever because of the stigma I may receive, but I do so as a woman.
Have you ever considered how the other women in the changing rooms feel? Or are your feelings the only ones that matter?

The big burly man people seem to envision claiming to be a woman just to sneak a peak simply doesn't exist.
They do. They may not be you but they absolutely do exist.

How does it feel to feel like a woman?

The cultural definition of man includes stereotypes, like playing with trucks.

Shit, I’m male. Who knew.

The big burly man people seem to envision claiming to be a woman just to sneak a peak simply doesn't exist.

Oh they do.
Just think back to all the men who spent their lives working as teachers, scout leaders, film directors, religious leaders, radio djs just to be able to access vulnerable women and children.
Do you honestly think there aren’t men who will slip on a frock and claim the are called Diane when that is literally all they have to do?

The big burly man people seem to envision claiming to be a woman just to sneak a peak simply doesn't exist

I’ve been in changing rooms when a man has come in and started wanking (Topshop, Brighton, communal changing room). I’m not sure why you think this doesn’t happen? It happens all the time, and the people who do it often progress to rape (not necessarily in changing rooms, it is an escalation of the trampling of women’s and societal boundaries that starts with flashing).

Welcome Jessica. To follow your format a bit: I'm a mother with kids between 6-13 with at least one who could be called queer, I've been dysphoric as long as I can remember and first started talking about wanting to have a sex change when I was 7 though I did not know gender dysphoria as a term until much later, I have attempted transition against medical advice a few times, I've lived in the UK since before I had kids and was raised in the US in the Bible Belt/Midwest, I do not currently identify with any ideological group or gender identity and try to avoid doing so. I'm well known for babbling so I'll try to bold the important parts of the questions for ease.

What do you think of the issues of self-prescribing hormones going on at the moment which many see as a response to long waiting lists and on-going minimization of the risks of hormone medications?

How do you think the proposed changed to the GRC will be helpful?
Personally and for the vast majority of trans and other dysphoric people I know, I don't see how the proposed changes to the GRC are going to benefit anyone. I fear that the Tories will use it to look progressive and then make cuts to the already falling apart services we need. We can legally 'demedicalize' it, but support for dysphoric people and medical transitions will still require medical professionals.

How do you define 'signs of being genderqueer' and 'signs of dysphoria'? As the medical definition of dysphoria has been messed around with so much in the last couple of decades (it used to be a symptom, then a condition with ever-changing symptom list, and the WHO is talking about scrapping it entirely for 'gender incongruence' which would significantly reduce if not remove the distress element), you'll need to define which ones you're using. I'm using it as a symptom and firmly believe it has multiple causes. Also, you should probably define 'living life as a woman' means to you since women live life in many different ways.

Why are you placing the responsibility of deciding if they're 'truly dysphoria' on a child's shoulders rather than medical professionals? With so many co-morbidities and risks for trans and other dysphoric people, I think that's a pretty risky strategy, even more so if they're going to take hormones. I do not think anyone, let alone a child, should do soul searching alone or that they should be encouraged to think ruminations are the reality without outside evidence.

You state the need to start hormones to 'aid in dysphoria'. I assume you meant aid in reducing dysphoria. If the goal is reducing dysphoria, why does your priority appear to be on hormone use? While they are good tools for some, research has shown most who experience dysphoria before puberty do not afterwards, that the use of hormones without other therapies has terrible long-term results, and the fact that powerful body changing medications that have a vast range of side effects and risks should probably be taken cautiously and only when needed. I would think if your goal is reducing the pain of dysphoria for young people, the focus should be on counselling, group therapy, and among other help. You show know that hormones do not 'only' aid in reducing dysphoria, it's actually quite common for periods of dysphoria getting worse on hormones. They are not a cure all and if you're preparing to use them then I would recommend researching more realistic views of what they can achieve. Many people are devastated when hormones do not live up to the hype and the impact that has on people can be awful.

Puberty is hard on everyone, not just dysphoric kids, and professionals and loved ones have been helping kids do that for quite a while now. I started getting care (starting with counselling in school) when I was around 7 for dysphoria and other issues so the 13-14 being the 'too young' focus seems odd as the 'classic' cases usually start presenting and being a concern younger than that. We have had a spike of older kids but only time will tell if that trend continues.

Which brings me to this question: The largest survey of trans adults in the US showed that the majority have experienced child abuse with around 50% having survived child sex abuse. It's been recommended for quite a while that care for trauma should be well established, which can take years, before attempting transitioning. Does that information in any way colour your thoughts on children transitioning which typically requires parental involvement?

Oh, and people do not need to be big and burly to be a threat. I wrestled in high school and boys my weight and half a foot shorter could throw me across the room. I've seen a few studies that gave evidence that shorter, smaller men are more likely to be aggressive and more prone to violence ('little man syndrome' being a well known stereotype though the actual cause isn't really height nor does it only apply to men though most studies focus on them due to the stereotype). Most people who have been violent to me have been other women. I think dismissing people's concerns by saying they envision big burly men - which I haven't seen anyone specifically say on here yet but I miss a lot - that ignores sex differences which even at the same size gives males an advantage - muscle fiber types, lung capacity, bone density, and so on - which hormone treatments do not erase and beyond that , sadly, there is no way for us to tell on sight who is a threat and who is not. We need a system which acknowledges that as well as acknowledges that gender dysphoria is a complicated condition which deserves full consideration and care before confirmation and encouraging the use of drugs or surgeries particularly now that reversal surgeries are happening. We all deserve better than what's going on, I don't think self-ID will fix any of it though.

Great post D4
Interesting that Jessica posted an AMA then didn't stay to answer any of it!

Some good questions here for you OP. I’m interested in your answers to SDTG.

peanut

Thank you for your posts, trans women like you are very important for those of you whose voices are not being heard. There are many trans women living in fear from their own community who are being further marginalised by the very people who should be supporting them.
I acknowledge your very really struggle as a trans women and want you to know that most of us here offer you our full support and respect to live a free life however you choose to do so.

What do you mean by not ‘currently’ a mother?

As a small child I refused to wear swimming costumes (wore bikini bottoms I called trunks), refused dresses. climbed trees and played with action men. I called myself a tomboy. I’m very grateful it was the 70’s and no-one thought any further about it and there was space to be the sort of girl that came naturally.

Nearly half a century later I rarely wear make up, rarely wear high heels, enjoy surfing, horse riding, paddle boarding. Feel thoroughly female and may still define myself as a bit of a tomboy. I don’t remotely feel the wrong gender - I just don’t particularly enjoy culturally ‘feminine’ pursuits (I remember getting tight right hump when I was told I would be going shopping with my MIL while my dh and FIL went to football).

Imagine if I’d been counselled as a young child that I must be genderqueer? I’ve never felt that way. I think it helped that I grew up in a rural area where we all played in mud & climbed trees.

Changing rooms really don’t have to be an issue. I have a son who can’t use a changing room due to his learning disabilities. We try clothes on at home and take them back if they don’t fit. Swimming pools are more of a problem (as it limits who can take him swimming), so I campaign for unisex/changing village style changing rooms if given the choice. A lot of shops are moving to the same layout. Don’t think i’ve been in a communal room for years. So it is possible to try on clothes without barging into female spaces. I happily change into a wetsuit in the beach car park, so I’m not particularly precious about men being around me when I change, but I would feel somewhat uncomfortable changing in a communal room with someone with a penis exerting their right to be in a communal room - partly because they must surely be going out of their way to find that space (see above about having to avoid changing rooms with my son).

And yes peanut - thank you for posting. You must worry about the damage done by the shouty radical fringe.

I see Craiken hasn't been back to answer any questions, except one about liking dog . There's a surprise...