Homophobic husband not accepting gay son

[Anjellybomb]

I'm not a Mumsnet user but this isn't something I can discuss publically and I'd be very grateful for advice. My son is 15 and recently came out to myself and my husband as gay (the only other people he had told were a few close friends). I'm not homophobic but obviously I was a little shocked (although I can't say I didn't have any sort of inkling) but overall I am fine with it, and he knows that.
My husband, on the other hand, who is a devout Catholic, got very, very angry.
I know my husband's negative opinions towards homosexuality (which I do not agree with) and so does my son, so I'm amazed at how brave he was.
When my son said, we were having dinner and he just sort of blurted it out. My husband stayed silent for a very long time, just sitting there before beginning to shout about embarrassing his family (they, too, are very religious) and that it was a phase he was going through for attention or because he thought it was cool.
I tried calming him down but my son left for his room soon after. I went to see him, hugged him, told him I loved him and that his father would eventually accept it.
Now the two cannot be in a room together without shouting.
I don't know what to do. Has anyone been through this and has any advice?
Thank you

Wow, I’m sure you’re going to get loads of positive messages about this but just wanted to say I think you’re being an amazing mum.
I think it’s great that your son felt able to tell you both at 15 (albeit blurted and awkward) you have been great, accepting and loving..
He needs that right now, he needs to know he’s loved whatever.
Sadly your husband might take a little time to come round, or indeed, may never be able to accept his sons choices, but you must stay strong and continue to be the loving mum you always have been.
Being 15 is bloody hard anyway he needs you

I agree that you sound like a lovely mum.

Do you know any catholic friends who have more liberal views? I know many who are not homophobic and I wonder if they may be able to help talk him round

What's your husband's priest like? Capable of having a chat about not judging?

FWIW I think you need to make sure that your son knows that you love him exactly how he is and you husband needs to know that his views are his views but shouting isn't OK.

My gosh thanks for those lovely messages
Our church is very conservative and my husband doesn't anyone to know and neither does my son, so I can't do that. I'm not sure about my husband's priest. Perhaps my husband will talk to him himself (although for the moment he doesn't seem want anyone to know at all). I will talk to him in the morning. They've been arguing for days and I really don't know how to help.
Again thank you so much

Keep doing what you’re doing be there for your son- he’s being incredibly brave right now and he needs your support.
With your Dh he really needs to accept ds before the relationship between them is permanently damaged.
Hugs op please just look after your ds he must be feeling really rejected by your Dh 💐

I keep thinking about your son, OP. Does he have the support he needs? There are lots of LGB groups he could attend with other young people who may also have parents struggling and/or failing.

What are they arguing about? Because your son's sexuality is a fact, not something anyone should dispute. If it's about relationships, that's more complicated at 15.

Would it make your husband feel better if he knew that your son's hadn't had a sexuality activity with boys(assuming he hasn't of course)? It may help him come to terms with it as a transitional measure. Or maybe if they agree nit to talk about it for now that may at least get them talking again and again give your husband time to accept it. Ultimately I'm not sure what else you can do apart from support your son and hoping your husband comes to terms with it. Your husband's family/church aren't going to change. Nor will your son's sexually (well most likely anyway, I would imagine he waited until he was sure before sharing). The only thing for it is for your husband to change. Hopefully he will realise that.

This isn't really direct advice, but more just a suggestion of an extra support/information point. There's a great film called 'Because the Bible tells me so' which follows four children (three adult, one minor) from religious families, negotiating their coming out at the family responses and how they deal with it. Interspersed are comments by various famous religious figures on homosexuality and religion. Desmond Tutu was particularly memorable I recall. You, and your son, might find it helpful. Your husband might also later down the line if he opens to alternative views a little and can have his religious position moved.

How brave your son is, and what a lovely mum you sound. I hope your husband comes around soon and realises this isn't his "choice" but something he has had to come to terms with himself. He is lucky to have you. x

I’d tell your “D”H to get a grip or get out. But then I’d never have married a homophobe in the first place. You need to put your son first.

Pope Francis has had a lot to say about acceptance of gay people: www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jun/26/pope-francis-says-christians-should-apologise-to-gay-people

Yes, I almost choked on my latte once when a Catholic Bishop friend said "Ireland has approved gay marriage, good" it was not at all what I expected him to say, as they have to tow the party line (in public anyway) but it shows not all priests are judgemental.

Many priests are of course gay themselves. I certainly know several gay men who trained as C of E vicars

Grr what a bigot. You'd think he'd be able to see past the invisible man in the sky for the sake of his son.

You married and had children with a homophobic bigot from a family of homophobic bigots and are now surprised now that he is being a homophobic bigot? It’s a shame for your son, but unless you are planning to sacrifice him for your in laws, your marriage is over. I wonder if his catholic family prefer divorce to homosexuality?

The same here. My son is 27 years old and came out a year ago over the phone. My husband is not religious although he was brought up by a very devout catholic woman and he is not only homophobic but also very aggressive.

My son doesn't live with us so I am the metaphorical punch bag. I try to protect my son from my husband's bad temper and horrific opinions. The problem is that my son is now in love and wants to bring his very nice young man home to meet his family.

I don't know what to do now. Either ignore the problem and hope that my husband only behaves badly with me and will spare my son and his boyfriend embarrassment, or to cut my losses and heave him after 32 years of a difficult marriage.

I for one didn't know my husband was a homophobic bigot when I married him 32 years ago. He hasn't got problems with other gay people, just his son. Also, people change over time, and not always for the better. Is this a good reason to leave him?

I would be grateful for any advice and opinions please

Speaking as a Catholic, from a very conservative Church, I’ll try to help a little.
Your husband is he aware that is isn’t a sin to be same sex attracted? He sounds like he is panicking and maybe grieving for the life he thought his son would have - marriage and children

Woops, posted too soon.
Im really sorry your family is going through this difficult time.
I’ll say a prayer for you all this evening.
But the Catholic Church is very clear that 'being gay' isn’t a sin.
I hope that your son and your husband can work this out.
Maybe some support for you would be good too. Do you have Friends and Family in real life who can help?

Thank you for answering.
Yes, I have close family but I don't want to burden them too much with all this, also I wouldn't want them to think too badly of my husband.

I suppose really, I am trying to pretend that everything is ok and hoping that it will eventually be ok, but at the same time, fearing the moment when the problem comes has to be faced and at the same time, hoping it can be avoided. I don't think it can be avoided this time though.

It is not the catholic church the problem. I said, my husband is not religious, it is society, ignorance and himself the problem. I am grateful for your prayers.

@Anjellybomb this is so tough. I am so sorry.

There may be gay-friendly/advocating for gay rights Catholic organisations you know of?

I've got gay and trans people in the family and we are Christians, (C of E). After reflection some years ago I became very affirming of same sex relationships (not knowing many gay people meant I never really thought about it when I was younger).

One thing that I found very, very helpful was listening to Matthew Vines.

This is not from a Catholic perspective but may help.

I never understand these threads. Did you not know you married a homophobe or did you just never think to consider you could have a gay child? You can either support your son from the homophobic bully you married or you’ll lose him.