Help!

[whatalicedidnext]

My Dd (19) has just confided in me tonight that her long term boyfriend is transgender. She says it doesn't change anything for her and wants us to accept it. I'm prepared to but what should I say and do? I saw him earlier and said to him that as far as I am concerned he's still the person that we know and like and want him to be welcome here just like he's always been.

Dd has asked me to call him her and use the female name he has chosen. Meanwhile Dd has told my 14 year old who now wants to know if Dd is a lesbian.

I'm lost, I don't know what to do or what this means for my daughter. We want to be supportive but Dd is obviously the priority here for us.

I think you are being very supportive of your dd and you need to continue to support her in her decisions on this. As for your 14 year old, maybe have a family discussion with both of your children so that they can ask each other questions and understand what each other thinks and feels. Only your daughter can answer if she is lesbian or not.

Thank you. It's complicated as DD is away at uni and told us on a short visit home so we haven't really had much chance to talk. She's answered a few questions and they both seem quite relaxed about it.
My 14 year old is starting to refer to DD's boyfriend as 'she' and by their chosen name but I'm not really ready to do that yet, it's a lot to get my head round. We've known her boyfriend for 9 years now so we're used to him being him if you see what I mean.

It's a minefield and I want to get this right but it's hard.

Listen - that's all you can do. If you try to be proscriptive in any way, she will switch off and not confide in you.

Full disclosure - I'm a gender critical feminist, so though I fully support transgender people's right to get on with their lives as they see fit, I don't buy into the ideology that goes with it.

Having said that, there seems to be an accepted narrative in student/politically left circles that the right response to your male heterosexual partner deciding to transition is to say "that's wonderful darling, it is you as a person I love, let us move smoothly into a lesbian relationship while I salute you for your immense bravery." In fact, your daughter will be under tremendous peer pressure to buy into this narrative, even if she has some nagging suspicions that she isn't comfortable with the new turn in her relationship.

In practical terms her former boyfriend will be the same person - if he's been a nice guy so far, hopefully that will stay the same. (And chances are, from what I read of tumblr/student social lives these days, the actual transition won't go much further than donning a dress and insisting everyone "gets her pronouns right" - cf the Eddie Izzard thread in feminism. About 80% of transwomen retain their penises - a decision which I sympathise with as the surgery is complex and has a high rate of complications.)

So listen, let yourself be led by her, but watch out for hints that she is finding this hard. She may well need a space to vent some of her more negative feelings about it(she may well feel quite conflicted - part of her happy for him, part of her worried about what this means for her) future, and you may be the only safe person she can talk to, such is the pressure to be "on the right side of history" in student circles.

(There's a transwidows thread in feminism too - though that is largely older women whose husbands are transitioning for somewhat dubious motives, so may not be applicable to your daughter's situation).

Thanks Hairy.

I think that's what is happening, she says it doesn't change anything for her with their plans (marriage after uni, children and if he goes through transition then it'll be after children). Dd was told in the autumn, I am furious that this bombshell was dropped on her just as she was going to university, lousy timing imo. Other things should have been her priority not trying to take that on board. Dd doesn't know my view on that, I won't be telling her. She knows I'll be there.

DDs father is oblivious, we are not together. He's a very conservative, Donald trump supporter who will not take this at all well. Dd isn't telling him, she knows he won't be supportive,

It's very hard, just sitting on your hands and providing a sympathetic listening ear. (I think it's one of the hardest things about parenthood).

Are they at the same university? 19 is very young to be sure you've met the right person for the rest of your life (I know some people do find the right person, and are still blissfully happy decades later, but rather more drift apart from their childhood sweetheart).

No, her boyfriend is at one somewhere else but close enough that they see each other often and when both are home, he stays at our house or she at his some of the time. They've been together for three years but have been friends for about eight years.

He cannot become a girl and no, your daughter is not now a lesbian. Lesbians are by definition attracted to their own biological sex. His biological sex is and always will be male, despite how he expresses in terms of clothes, behaviour, surgical and hormonal modifications. Your daughter is still in a heterosexual relationship

I speak as a lesbian insulted by the idea that men in dresses are lesbians. They aren't and lesbians do not desire then.

Thanks.

*whatalicedidnext you've had some excellent advice. I think being her friend and confidant it so important.

It is quite unlikely she will necessarily want to marry someone who was her childhood sweetheart, I only know one couple who met as children and married!

If she does decided to leave him, then she has plenty of perfectly legitimate reasons to do so, including the fact he has chosen to 'became a woman' but she may find it so hard to say that. As Hairy says. But actually she may choose to leave for any reason and he may choose to leave her. She is so young. I did not meet my husband until I was in my 30s.

Just be there for her, you sound like a great mum.

met as children and married as adults I mean!

They are planning to stay together and want to have children and get married after uni. After that then surgery will be considered, she told me that yesterday so at least she is talking,

@whatalicedidnext how is your dd doing?

She seems to be ok, thank you.

Lots of things are 'planned' at 19, but most of the plans change or disappear as time goes by.
Hairy gives good advice, I would be guided by it.

I’m at my wits end. My son since the end of primary school has been very open about his sexuality. He talks to me often about finding boys and girls attractive. Myself, husband and close family have all told him it doesn’t matter who you like or fall in love with as long as your treat others with respect and kindness and be open and honest. But he continually try’s to create arguments and drama that just doesn’t need to be there. It’s like he wants us to disapprove in some way. He will tell a close friend he is gay then complain when people call him gay and then he says he never said it in the first place. Gay, straight, bit of both I’m not bothered I just can’t cope with the big dramas and fall outs on a weekly basics.

@Mwhite76

"Myself, husband and close family have all told him it doesn’t matter who you like or fall in love with as long as your treat others with respect and kindness and be open and honest. But he continually try’s to create arguments and drama that just doesn’t need to be there. It’s like he wants us to disapprove in some way."

I think I would just try not to react. When he says something just kind of smile and nod or whatever, you do not need to pass comments further. My dd has done this in the past. Keeps lobbing little 'grenades' into conversations. I think part of it is testing the water.