DS (17) had just told me he's gay

[Daisymeadows]

I'm so proud of him. It blurted out in a silly conversation me, him and DD (19) were having about wedding music and who walks down the aisle.

Proud of DD too as she gave him a massive hug and told him she loved him. Both he and I had a few tears and I told him I didn't care what he was, I loved him whatever.

He's sworn me to secrecy to not tell DH though and I'm struggling with that. DH is a proper macho man, and whilst he isn't overtly homophobic, he does sometimes choose the wrong words.

I think deep down I've always known, but it has come as a bit of a shock tbh. I just want to do the right thing. He's a shy lad and I do worry about him.

I do nt think it's right to keep this from your husband. You said he's not homophobic so let him know.

Definitely don't tell your husband. "Not overtly homophobic" and "sometimes chooses the wrong words" does not sound at all good, and your DS knows what he wants to risk, and he doesn't want your husband to know.

I am sure your son will eventually tell your husband. When he is a proper adult with his own money and can risk a not so nice reaction.

Are you prepared to 100% stand by your son, and if necessary divorce your husband over it?

Because that is what you need to be if you want to tell your husband, thereby violating your son's right to privacy, and not be a completely horrible parent as a result.

If you don't have the guts for that, betraying your son's confidence might endanger him.

Please don't tell your DH. It's no-one's news to tell other than your DS when he's absolutely ready; outing someone can have really strong negative effects on the person who gets outed.

Well done to your DS for being true to himself. Even now, it's still a bit of a stigma to be gay.

My sister came out as gay a few years ago and she was terrified. Since then, she has come out as bi rather than gay and that was easier for her I think.

I agree don't tell your DH. It's not your information to tell.

Great your DS told you and great you are so supportive.

But... er... "Are you prepared to 100% stand by your son, and if necessary divorce your husband over it?" seems a little over reactive.

I agree it's not your secret to tell, but it's put you in a terrible position - surely this will drive a wedge between you. Either he's homophobic & will be angry that you kept the secret or he's not & will be desperately hurt that you thought he could be & kept the secret from him.

Surely you must know if your DH is homophobic or not & could gauge his likely reaction?

Could you speak to your DS again & ask him to tell your DH?

Sorry it's a hard situation for you but well done on supporting your DS & him being able to open up to you.

You need to respect your son's feelings on this. And why wouldn't you? Does your husband own your mind?

Your DH will tell him himself in time, or it will become obvious in due course.

If you tell your DH now your son will feel incredibly betrayed. Probably irreparably.

You always 'knew', but you didn't share that with your DH, so why share now?

If your husband is homophobic why did you marry him ?
If you do nt tell him know will you pretend it's a surprise when your son tells his father or admit you ve known all along ?

Give your son a few days to adjust and get used to being out to you and his sister, and keep reassuring him that you love him no matter what. Then slowly try to encourage him to speak to your husband, making sure he knows you've got his back.

Your husband may well have said a few inappropriate things in the past, but that doesn't automatically mean he would disown his son for being gay.

I'd let him tell when he is ready. My dad was a macho man and made homophobic comments sometimes, but he accepted my coming out no problem at all and actually loves my wife and enjoys watching football with her!

Listen to Juneybean, your DS trusted you. Don't tell your husband until your son is ready. Your DC's sound like lovely children (young adults)

Well maybe for a 17 year old who isn't yet used to talking openly about his sexuality and isn't yet confident about it doesn't want to hear a 'macho man' sounding off with 'inappropriate comments '. Maybe that sounds too much like bullying at school. Maybe listening to his Dad make derogatory comments about gay people all his life has actually contributed to his feelings about himself and coming out.

It isn't just about 'disowning' him.

Trust has to be earned. Your DH, OP, has not earned your DS's trust. You have but if you break it now, don't expect to get it back. Your DS needs your suppport.

Thank you for your replies. I am torn but I'm not going to tell DH. DS has told me something in confidence and I won't betray that. DH definitely wouldn't disown him - he loves him and is incredibly proud of DS.

DS will be off to uni next year and I think, as some mention, it will become apparent at some point.

I'm going to chat with DS, and reassure him that I won't tell his Dad and that he can talk to me about anything. He's a shy boy and doesn't really share feelings so I don't think this will happen quickly. I just want him to know that my love is unconditional, gay, straight, bi or whatever.

I agree it's best to keep your son's confidence. Very brave of him to tell you, well done to him. He will tell his Dad in his own time, and you can reassure him that when he feels ready you're sure his Dad will be absolutely fine with it and that he loves him, as you all do.

We've just had the same news from our DS (21) and of course we are fine with it and we love him. It was a surprise though! I'm just sad he didn't feel he could tell us sooner and has bottled it up for a few years. But he's got the support of family and friends now.

Hopefully they will feel accepted, loved and happy to be themselves. x