DD15 thinks she is male

[Serehawk]

My DD came out a few weeks ago as being transmale. She has not asked to be treated any differently. She has not asked for a name change. She still dresses in her female clothing. She still shaves and wears make up.

Today I found her "journal" (she writes in random notebooks she has and calls them journals) and saw that she wrote about coming out to her friends and thier parents. But in none of her writing I have found lay around (some in the kitchen, laundry, family room etc.) has she ever written about not wanting to be a girl. She only writes about the boy she loves who is older.

She tells people on social media that she is trans and has an online presence it seems but in real life she doesn't act as if she is anything but who she has always been.

Should I be worried or just let her be and see where it goes?

How can she come out as a transmale, in what way is she male? Don't get it.

It does seem more and more that there's a 'trend' in young people wanting to be trans at the moment and I seriously wonder how much of it is actually genuine and how much a fad from things they've read online.
It does seem very odd that there is nothing written about inner feelings of masculinity or "being male" - surely this would dominate the journals if true?
I would personally want to ask her how she feels she is male if she is continuing exactly as always, does she really understand what being trans is etc.
It sounds as if it's more for effect and attention than anything, but I'm no expert.

I don't get it either .
MissBax I agree with you that if she were really feeling male her journal would have these things in it. When I ask how she feels (yes we have talked about it a bit.) She says that she doesn't have to tell me why she feels that way.

I am thinking it is attention because I have caught her talking about being a woman. Watching the last few weeks I have noticed that everytime even the idea of being male comes up she is talking to her friend Jack who identifies as gay. I also know that she wants to date this friend . I am wondering if she is doing this to be with him.

Serehawk - that sounds very likely.
It's definitely a trend at the moment but there are also some people who really feel like they want to be another gender. Or they just don't want to be defined by their gender.

Think your best bet is to just accept it and it may just pass and be a phase or she may be really feeling like a boy and you need to be supportive of her.

But the looking the gay boy does sound like the most likely explanation.

Don't worry she's still your lovely DC and just needs your acceptance and love

(Liking not looking - bloody phone!)

DD15 has spent the rest of the weekend constantly on her phone talking to Jack. I have noticed that her moods get very dark when she is talking to him. It got extremely bad today. A friend had been over (not Jack) for most of the day I am had allowed them to spread out in the main room all day. Later in the evening I told them time to clean up all their art supplies. DD refused. Told her I would do it if she didn't (which usually means they end up put up where she can't find them for a few weeks). She told me to f off you and f you.

That got her phone immediately taken away. Although she didn't want to give it to me. I had to wrestle it away from her. In the process she proceeded to slap me twice. Then when I refused to give phone back she walked out the front door. I had no idea where she went.

During all of this her friend was still in my home. He was kind enough to follow where she went and he brought her home a little while later after she had cooled down.

She did cry and beg when she got home that she had to have her phone to talk to Jack because he was suicidal. I told her that I would call his mother(I have her number) and she would take care of him. She begged me not to call said the cause was his mother(a sweet woman). I allowed her to call him from my phone with me in the room and tell him she could not talk for a long while. I heard him yelling at her for getting in trouble and just being very mean about her not being able to talk.

Her phone is now locked in the safe and she will not be seeing it for a long while. I am hoping this helps all of the issues with Jack. Her only access to him is through the phone and internet and the only computer with internet is in the main living area. After much crying tonight she was in a better mood when she went to bed. Hopefully this time away from social media and constant attention with Jack will help with the idea that she is male as well. He kept mentioning it when they were on the phone here in the main room with me tonight.

Any advice on how to proceed because DD has never acted out with the physically slapping before. It all seemed because of that stupid phone and the boy on the other end.

Jeeze! Seems like he's really controlling.
Can you talk to his mum about it if you have her number?

Do you think Jack is really suicidal?

I have tried talking to Jack's mom in the past. The woman is very uncaring is the only way to put it. I have tried in the last day or so to call her and see if she will help with the contact between the two. When DD gets her phone back I am trying to figure out a way to keep the contact between her and Jack as supervised as possible.

I don't think that Jack is really suicidal. He has tried this before where he calls in the middle of the night telling her if she won't talk to him he will commit suicide. I think it is a controlling tactic he uses when she is finding her own way.

It had seemed to get better over the last few months where they were not talking as much. She was hanging out with friends at my home and at theirs. Then a few weeks ago that all changed. She started staying home, only texting Jack. This was the same time she came out as trans.

I would like to point out that since her phone and contact with Jack was cut off she has referred to herself as a girl on more that one occasion and has not again brought up being male at all.

Jack sounds like a bit of a nightmare.
I don't have teenagers yet so not much help/ experience with this kind of thing.

Sounds awful though OP.
I suppose if you banned her from seeing him you'd just make her more secretive & him seem more alluring.

I suppose trying to keep the lines of communication open between the 2 of you and limiting the Jack contact as much as you can in a subtle way is a good idea.

Is there anyone else your DD would trust / listen too? Am older sister? Cousin? Friend?

Good luck with it

Can you speak directly to Jack about the situation yourself?

Talk to DD about not letting people boss her around or tell her what to do?

Hopefully it's just a crush and will pass.

Wow Serehawk you're some great mum , even if your DD doesn't know it yet.
This Jack kid is being very manipulative , especially since it can't have passed his notice that a young woman only three years older than your DD has just been sentenced for "encouraging" the suicide of a young man who'd been threatening said for months , and I bet he's relying on her fear of similar consequences .
So your decision to place a comms ban is both timely and circumspect .
As to her "trans" status , all I can say is by the new metric I'm "trans" or at least "non binary " - and that said - it may just be a need to vocalise [in the current lingua Franca ]the normal conflicts of burgeoning adulthood being expressed here , as I probably would've had this phenomenon existed in the 90s , so don't worry for now .

Just keep an eye , the current lingua Franca can easily become social contagion (see the Bridgend suicides) , and you seem to have intervened both with compassion and courage . XXX

OP do you think the idea about being trans is coming from Jack? If he is 'identifying' as gay I wonder if he isn't actually gay but either straight or bisexual but for some reason saying he is gay is important to him, so he needs your dd to say she is a boy in order to date her.

While it is on the one hand great that teenagers are more accepting of non heteronormativity it seems to have come with a whole chunk of identity politics and pressure to declare as being different when it comes to both sexuality and gender.

My dd has a friend who has threatened suicide a few time now. It really worries and stresses dd and I told her that she should tell a teacher each time and not get so involved as I think it is manipulative behaviour (of someone who is very unhappy) and something she is not equipped to deal with. More recently she has wised up a little that all is not quite as it may seem and so has become a bit less vulnerable to the threats.

Reducing contact as much as possible seems like a good plan.

Oh and the case from the States isn't really relevant as the girl there really did encourage her boyfriend to kill himself, including telling him to get back into a truck filled with exhaust fumes when he wavered in his suicidality. Not at all similar to someone not being there for a friend making threats.

Your daughter is being manipulated and emotionally abused by Jack. He sounds deeply unpleasant and I would encourage your daughter to block him. You should stress to your daughter that the appropriate response to suicide threats is to ring an ambulance.

Is Jack a real life friend? How old is he, have you met him?

I just read this "letter that your teenager won't write to you" and thought of you OP:

Dear Parent:
This is the letter I wish I could write.
This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.
I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.
I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.
This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.
And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.
I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.
Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.
Love, Your Teenager
© 2015 Gretchen L Schmelzer Ph

Does she see this Jack in real life or does she just communicate with him on her phone?

She needs to know that she isn't responsible for Jack. I'd try to push her into keeping busy with other friends so she has less time to worry about Jack's rescuer. Can you take her away for a weekend or something on a city break? Go somewhere where she can see some art as she seems to be interested in that.

Lovely letter Moon - that should be a sticky at the top of the teenager board!

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back here and reply to all the good advice. Real Life gets in the way sometimes.

I will point out that we are from the USA. (In the middle of the country nowhere type place). DD is getting ready go back to classes starting on wednesday. I am really worried that all of the "trans" pushing she did when she came back from vacation will start up again as this is a big issue in her school.

To all who have asked: Jack is a friend she met online a few years ago. He has come to visit once a year ago. The only contact they have otherwise is over the phone and computer.

Just a week ago she was given back her phone and computer for a few hours a day. I have watched her tonight (she has another girl friend over) and they are watching videos about children who are transgender and how everyone around them supports them.

I have been watching in the last few weeks and have noticed many things and am seriously considering a mental health professional for her to talk with.

• Her friend came over on Monday night and they were watching Trump talk on the news about transgender not being allowed in our military. They were arguing with the television talking about how trans should be allowed all these different things.

• We went to a concert last weekend. We get home the next day and she is telling everyone that the main singer almost walked right by her (We were farther back from the stage) but security stopped them from walking her way. But in truth they left out the back of the stage, no through the crowd. Big argument when I tried to correct her.

• I can hear her talking to friends about things that happened in the past and she really blows things out of proportion with what her part in it was.

There are many more of the same issues. I'm seeing everything as more of a "look at me, look at me" type thing instead of the true; including the trans ideas. She only brings it up when it will get her attention from someone.

The suggestion that she talk to someone she trusts is good. I just fear that she is going to push any ideas she has as complete truth and she is seemingly turning into a compulsive liar and that whoever she talks to would believe everything she says.

What worries me about this is because a few years ago a person came a gave a talk at her school about abuse. The next time she got in trouble, she kept yelling at me that I abused her. That everything I did was abusive. Taking away her phone and not letting her do whatever she wants. She went so far as threatening to call the police on me. I told her to go for it. When she realized that I wouldn't stop her from calling she backed down.

AIBU to think that I am in way to deep and my daughter and myself might do with having some good professional help to get us where we could be? Or is she just being a teenage girl and the lying will stop with time?

MoonPower Thank you for posting that letter. Whoever wrote it seems to have a good insight into the teenage brain. It really gets you thinking about what they may be going through on their end. Sometimes it doesn't make a parents job easier to see their side, but at least it makes you understand.