Whats the first step?

[ArtyFartyQueen]

Hi All,

My daughter who is 14, spoke to me this week about the fact that she feels she is transgender and has gender dysphoria. It came as a bit of a shock despite the fact that she has been seen as a tomboy for a few years. I want to support her the best way I can, but also not make too much of a big deal of it, in case it's a phase.

She seems to be in a good frame of mind, but has had bouts of depression during her childhood, mostly owing to her father not being around much.

What would be the next step, doctors, counselling?

Would appreciate any support you can offer in the early stages.....

I would not rush to the GP just yet.

Let her take the lead. Does she want medical support?
Need counselling?

If she is just expressing she feels uncomfotable in her body then give her time to let that settle in.
14 is an awkward age for children and the changes they go through physically can come as a shock.

Allow her the space to express herself and get her head around it before rushing in to actually change anything.

Thanks FlossyMooToo, I really appreciate your reply. I said I would look into and do some research and if she ever needed to talk that I was here.

I also explained that at her age, she will go through lots of phases and this may just be one of them but if it isn't, thats okay too.

I think she would probably like some counselling, will ask and if she does, is doctors the best route?

Next thing will be talking to her Dad - that will be fun!

I would leave it a little while.

Doctors will automatically refer to a clinic and that's not really a route you want to go down at the moment.

Support her as best you can, there is support online but be careful where you go for it. Mermaids is not a place I would recommend.

Speak to the school and see if they have an LGBT club that your child could attend.

Personally I held off on calling my child by their preferred pronoun and name for around 18 months, I wish I hadn't, because it really wasn't such a big deal to call my child by a different name when i think of the bigger picture.

I looked at a lot of the detransitioning people on you tube, and have looked in detail with my child about the surgeries (we watched videos online) and have read up a lot on the negative effects of hormone treatments etc.

After a good few years of my child feeling this way (around 7 or 8) and years of my child presenting as a member of the opposite sex (5 or 6 years) they seem to not be as sure any more and we are possibly lookimg at a future without hormones and surgery now so try not to worry too much.

I managed to find a private counsellor, who is gay and have the same biology as my child and that has been amazing. It was hard to find a counsellor who is supportive but not encouraging but they have been worth their weight in gold to us.

Also I got a lot of support on MN as well. The feminist board was so helpful to me.

I would hold off talking to her dad at the moment too tbh, wait until she wants to tell him or until she wants to push further with a name change or something.

Sometimes these kids can go through a phase and then feel like they have to continue because so many people know and they feel daft changing their mind again so I really wouldn't make a huge deal at the minute.

You can PM me if you would like to chat more, it's a hugely difficult situation and very hard to navigate through.

Don't let her wear a breast binder or take puberty blockers. They are extremely harmful.
Otherwise, be kind to her.

Find role models of women who are not coiffed, lashed and heeled. Let her see that women come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, styles and sexualities.

There's a huge spectrum between tomboy and boy.

Let her wear what she likes, do what she enjoys, and, totally agree, avoid any medication or binding.

It's normal for a 14 year old girl to feel uncomfortable in her body. Puberty is really hard, it's not always a symptom of an actual dysphoria.

Look after yourself, too. Give yourself loads of credit for raising a girl who is able to talk to you about important things, that's a real gift you have given her.

There is some good advice here. We are going through this with our 19 yr old and it isn't easy. As she has a history of depression then you may need professional help at some pint - I would find an experienced clinical psychologist specialising in adolescent mental health. This is a really interesting read about how hard diagnoses are in this area:

youthtranscriticalprofessionals.org/2017/06/07/the-difference-a-diagnosis-makes/

Good luck to you.

Hi All,

Once again, thanks for your advice. Had a bit more of a chat with DD this evening and she definitely does want to do "something" about it. She'd like to go down the counselling route and is considering changing her name. It feels like it's all happened so fast and I'm finding it difficult to take it in, feel a bit in shock at the moment. She wants to talk to school, particularly about things like changing for PE as she feels really uncomfortable at the moment.

She does definitely want counselling, she's not super keen on the counsellor at school if it's the same one but of course I could speak to school about who is currently the counsellor if people feel thats a better choice than going down the doctors route?

If I'm being honest, I'm feeling I haven't got the head space to deal with this, my father is unwell and I'm in the process of moving him to a care home and my son has just been diagnosed with ADHD, and waiting for an ASD assessment but of course, I'll do all I can to support her and just put my feelings into a box!

Not making a big deal out of it is a good approach.

Can you talk to school and have it arranged so that she can change in a separate room without there being a lot of fuss and a big declaration to her classmates about it?

A counsellor is not necessarily better than a doctor. There's lots of people who will immediately suggest puberty blockers as the only possible solution.

If I'm being honest, I'm feeling I haven't got the head space to deal with this,

Is it possible that your daughter subconsciously feels she has to have a problem so she'll get your attention?
Just a thought. If that is the case, it might be more productive to tell her you can't deal with this right now, but make sure you just spend time with her and give her attention without making her gender dysphoria the reason you spend time with her and show interest in what she does.

I have a 14yo who is convinced that she is gender fluid or FtM but definitely not a girl. I have let her wear a binder (the GC2B one, like a tight sports bra) as aside from any gender issues she has never liked big boobs.

Could someone please explain the harm of puberty blockers? I'm struggling to find non-biased info, and relating to this age rather than preventing puberty. She is already developed so how on earth can you block something that has happened? She is insistent that they are safe and reversible but I'm scared to go down the referral route as I worry that she could be pushed ahead of what is right. She may be in a phase, she may actually be lesbian not trans, she may be trans. But at 14 I had no idea what I wanted to do - and had no interest in boys at all.

4thwavenow.com/2017/03/12/lupron-whats-the-harm/
www.nwhn.org/lupron-what-does-it-do-to-womens-health/
rxisk.org/lupron-a-nightmare-produced-in-abbvie/

If it is a recent phenomenon, take everything very slowly. Plenty of people have decided to de-transition back and that in itself can have issues.

Let her choose a male name and if she would like to change it when she is old enough to do so on her own, so be it. If she wants short hair fine. Let her be whatever she wants , but stress to her the parental responsibility you hold toward her until she is of legal age. There has to be give and take here and do remind her of other concerns in your own life. She needs to understand you have additional family members who require care and love.

As regards school, I would advise you explain to her the need for her to "tow the line" as it were i.e. most girls feel incredibly uncomfortable at 14 regardless of whether they have body dysphoria, and asking the school to make special accommodations for her is unfair.

This doesn't have to be a huge deal. It could easily pass over and be a phase, but don't let this FtM transition process rule the roost in your house.

Thanks for the info on blockers - useful links. We have he additional burden of the fact that DD2 might have autism, which could explain the absolute all or nothing fixation on gender

I found this post invaluable in dealing with my own 14 year old DD: 4thwavenow.com/2016/12/17/a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia-helps-her-daughter-desist/

Housemum - if you haven't already, see if you can get your daughter assessed for autism. Feeling like you don't fit in with your peers might explain why so many girls on the spectrum feel they are transgender. Read Tony Atwood on the subject.