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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Son copying gay friend

16 replies

sassythecat · 02/05/2015 05:51

Before I get to the point a quick backstory, I had my son at 16 and I am now 23. I am still with his father.

Anyway, my son has always had a good relationship with my friends, especially my male friend Aaron whos gay, I have allowed him to take him on day trips and he is always excited to see Aaron but he isn't aware of his sexuality yet and I feel no need to explain it yet. I go on a night out once or twice a month and my friends usually come to mine to get ready and my son is usually up to see us start to get ready etc but recently he's been trying to emulate Aaron by wanting to use hairspray, asking about his tanning spray and has told his Dad he wants to cut his hair like Aaron and the other week he showed an interest in my make up and asked why Aaron wears it but not Daddy or Grandad, all of which I feel is totally normal. Well my boyfriend has gone mad, and told me he thinks we should have him see less of Aaron because he doesnt want him 'turning out like that' which has really pissed me off frankly. My mum suggested just asking Aaron to tone it down but I wouldn't feel that's right, he's not flamboyant or doing anything I feel is wrong.

Am I in the wrong here?

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lastnightiwenttomanderley · 02/05/2015 05:58

I think you know that it's not you, Aaron or your son that's in the wrong here....

I think it's incredibly healthy that your son feels he can ask this. It's a bit earlier than most but think back to the 90s when lots of boys went through a grunge phase of long hair, painted nails and eyeliner. It's also healthy for him to understand that gay is not synonymous with make-up and fake tan and plenty of gay men wouldn't look any different from a straight man.

What is it your boyfriend is so scared of? Does he think of himself as a 'man's man' I.e. football watching, beer drinking etc?

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 02/05/2015 06:00

Oh yes, and my brother is regularly found straightening his hair then hairspraying it into place!

parsnipbob · 02/05/2015 06:04

YANBU. You DP/DH is BU. And a homophobic arse, if I may say. You might want to tell him children can't catch being gay Hmm

You might want to tell him then when my darling brother was 6, he used to dress up in frocks and stuff tennis balls down them to make boobs. Flash forward ten years and he's as straight as they come. On the other hand one of my male friends with an extremely 'macho' Dad who is an utter homophobe is gay.

Your DP is being ridiculous.

sassythecat · 02/05/2015 06:09

Hi, lastnightiwenttomanderley. Thanks for the reply.

Honestly I feel like he's not even aware that Aaron is gay, i've never brought it up because I think he's possibly too young and Aaron isn't flamboyant, you'd never know he was gay unless he told you but when he go out he'll put a face mask on and a bit of tinted moisturiser and he tans.

My boyfriend is very much a mans man, he's fine with gay men and he's great with my gay friends but he's really kicked off over this, I was adament he was just being an idiot but then my mum said she understood his point and it's really thrown me but I still don't get his point at all.

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Floundering · 02/05/2015 06:10

Oh god forbid your son could "catch the gay" Grin

He is curious as to the differences between the different male role models in his life & copying one whom he clearly adores & is probably more fun than your partner!
I would keep it basic but tell him Aaron prefers boys to girls, it's ok to love both /either & that people come in all shapes & sizes which is fun. Tell your partner he should encourage your son to be whoever he wants, if he does decide he is gay I would hope he would love him just the same.

sassythecat · 02/05/2015 06:17

Hi parsnipbob. Thank you for the reply.

I honestly don't feel as if my boyfriend is homophobic, he's actually got gay friends and he's friendly with my gay friends, I think that is why I am tearing my hair out his reaction to this.

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sassythecat · 02/05/2015 06:24

Hi Floundering, Thank you for the advice.

I honestly feel like that discussion can wait for now. I could be wrong but I feel like that's one that can wait but it won't be long he wants to know the ins and outs of everything! haha

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parsnipbob · 02/05/2015 06:27

Sassy I don't see how he can not be homophobic really with the comment he doesn't want his son turning out like that?

I think there are many people out there who say they're totally ok with gay people - until a friend or family member comes out that is.

In any case I would just put your foot down and tell him he's being ridiculous. Homophobe or not, what he definitely is being is daft.

Hakluyt · 02/05/2015 06:31

Since when have gay men routinely worn make up? Hmm

sassythecat · 02/05/2015 06:33

Nobody in here have said they do.

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MythicalKings · 02/05/2015 06:36

I had a close gay friend who my DSs have known all their lives. I can't remember when/if I told them he was gay they just grew up knowing, I think, they met his partner several times.

Both adults now and neither "caught the gay".

sassythecat · 02/05/2015 06:37

Trust me parsnip my foot went down as soon as it was suggested. I'm not going to stop my friend seeing my child at all, he adores him and loves spending time with him so it was out of the question to have less contact.

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/05/2015 06:51

But he is homophobic, even if he doesn't mean to be. Gay is fine for other people but not his child.
You need to talk to your DS in terms of gender roles and behaviour. Usually it's women who have fake tans, and lots of men think it's only for women, but actually it's fine for a man etc. You could connect it to you ie whatever your position on tanning is - I'd be saying to my DS neither I or your dad do that becUse we don't think it's important to look brown (actually that would be silly as his dad is brown but ykwim) but Aaron does. Aaron likes wearing makeup even though most people think it's for women, because Aaron likes to be a bit different. Makeup isn't for women but that's what most people think...etc.
I wouldn't be allowing my DS to copy him simply as he's too young really but I wouldn't be telling him there is anything wrong with being a gender non conforming man.
My DS teacher is such a man and I was trying to explain why I felt this was positive role modelling to two other mums at football yesterday. I don't think they got me really, the idea that seeing gender non conformity is good for children isn't very widespread. Can you talk to your DH in these terms? About how children are conditioned into gendered behaviour and that seeing challenges to that is positive? Or will he not get it?

VashtaNerada · 02/05/2015 06:53

You really don't need to have a "talk" about the fact that gay people exist, you just don't teach that being straight is the only way! My DC have always known that two people who love each other can live together and get married if they want, I never brought gender into the discussion so neither did they. If you build up your friend's sexuality into a secret it makes it into something it isn't. And yes, of course your DP is being ridiculous. If he's not homophobic I would have a calm conversation with him about what's really going on, does it bother him that he's not your son's only role model? You might just need to boost his confidence a bit and remind him of the important role he plays, but of course DS also admires other adults in his life.

SanityClause · 02/05/2015 07:26

I think around 7 is a really good time to talk to him about sexuality, etc. In fact, if a child asks about these things, I think you should always answer in an age appropriate way. But at 7, they have the mental capacity to understand, without a load of hormones surging around inside them.

My sister is bisexual, although when my DC were younger, she had only had relationships with women. So, it was easy for me to discuss homosexuality in relation to her. It really needs to be presented to them as normal and an everyday thing, rather than something special and different. Children see the social norm of heterosexual couples with children all the time. Most of the children at school are likely to come from a situation where they have one male and one female parent. And books and television etc also assume this will be the norm.

So, it is really important to draw attention to other sexualities, in a way that shows that they are just as normal, and ordinary. You don't have to speak about actual sex acts, of course. Your DS will understand about people loving each other in a sexual way, probably (hopefully, at only 7) without being aware of what that might mean in a physical sense (apart from holding hands, kissing, etc.)

So, you can talk about Aaron loving men (his partner?) in the same way that mummy loves daddy. Just be matter of fact about it, when the subject arises.

And you really need to discuss this with your partner. He really needs to consider these issues. He may have gay friends, but he appears to consider them as "other" - lesser, even. Does he have the attitude of "look at how tolerant I am, having gay people as friends"? Because if he just sees them as equal people with a different sexual preference, why would he be concerned that your son might be gay?

sassythecat · 02/05/2015 07:52

Thank you both for the advice,seriously thinking of having the discussion very soon.

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