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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

how do I help him?

5 replies

dandelion4 · 24/01/2015 19:33

I am a happily married heterosexual mother of 3. A daughter and 2 two sons. Yesterday my 9 {nearly 10} year old son told me he had a secret and was frightened to tell. Naturally I was very concerned. he was highly emotional and I could see he was very nervous and frightened. I assured him I was his mum and he could tell me anything. He confessed he liked a boy in his class. I asked why he was so upset to which he told me he hates feeling like this and he was 'stupid' and nobody would like him if they knew about his 'gayness'. After convincing him he will always be my baby boy and i will always love support, and protect him no matter how he feels; he is who he is. i asked if he liked this boy because he was cool and he wanted to be like him, to which he replied 'no mum, i mean i like, like him'. i asked what he meant and how at his age he knew any different. he told me he had lots of friends but none of them made him feel how this child did. alarmed i asked him to elaborate. he feels very shy when hes around him. he says he gets butterflies in his tummy and his ears burn and cheeks get red (bless him). are these feelings even possible or viable at this age? we sat and cuddled and he pleaded for me to keep his secret. I told him i would never tell anyone (inc his dad) i will always be here if he needs to talk. i assured him he had no reason to be ashamed but other children can be very cruel and so he should be very careful who he confides in and although its up to him i wouldn't tell any of his friends how he feels. I explained he was very young to be worried about boys or girls at his age and should be concentrating on making friends and having fun. I explained (age appropriately) that he was pre-pubescent and feelings can change but not to worry too much whatever happens i will always be there. An hour later he asked when his dad would be home as he decided he needed to confide in him. upon my husbands return he knew there was something going on. My son was very sheepish. I warned my husband (out of earshot) his son wanted to speak to him n however he felt our boy needed to know he loves him regardless. when he told his dad he was very embarrassed. dad asked him to repeat what he had said (he heard him but wanted him to know he should not be ashamed to tell his dad anything) 'I like boys, dad'! dad asked him 'are you still you?' 'yes ... but dad you still love me?' my heart melted. my husband broke down and assured him he will always love him and he can tell him anything; it was so beautiful. After the tears had subsided we assured him how proud we were of him for having the courage to tell us to which he said he was so glad he had and he felt better, Hes smiling again lol!! Is there more we should have said?? did we say anything wrong? unbeknown to my son my husband is really struggling with his confession. he says he cannot understand it ('hes just a normal kid. hes messy, rough, how can he know this hes ony 10'!!) my hubby doesnt want to discuss it with me. he suggested moving our sons school and getting him into 'boy sports'. is his response normal? is our son gay? he is a healthy, happy, beautiful, boystrous young boy and i love him entirely whatever he may be!! if his feelings are indicative of him being gay im so worried and frightened how i will protect him from the bigoted, ignorant, closed minded people in this world. can anyone offer any of us any advice please?

OP posts:
Honeybadger83 · 26/01/2015 01:28

Your post was so sweet! He sounds like a lovely lad, and I think you handled it very well.
Yes, it's perfectly possible to know that you are gay at that age. It's not unusual for first crushes to start around that sort of age, and it's no different for same-sex ones. Think back to when you were that age; first boyfriends usually meant shyness, teasing and maybe holding hands in the playground. Obviously, statistics are not in his favour of this being reciprocated, and he seems to realise that, so he's not going to jump into anything close to that. Relax, it's just a crush.

I would advise against moving schools; chances are he already feels unsettled at the moment, and taking him away from what he knows and is comfortable with seems unnecessary. If he isn't gay or bi, he'll realise that himself soon enough. And if he is, changing schools won't make any difference.
As for encouraging more 'boyish' activities; if he's feeling vulnerable and uncertain, needing reassurances that you and his dad still love him, just as he is, he may perceive that as a desire to change him, or to "fix" him. You can't change how he feels about boys, but you can change how he feels about himself. Let him keep being him, show him you wouldn't have him any other way.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 26/01/2015 01:51

The very best way you can protect him against bigoted peers (and remember kids and teens today are far more open-minded than they were a generation ago) is to make sure he knows you both love him absolutely, including, not in spite of, his sexuality. Even if there were anything at all you could do to make him straight, he'll be happier as a loved and accepted boy who likes boys than as one reshaped into something socially acceptable.

dandelion4 · 26/01/2015 07:06

Thank you so much for your responses :)

Its amazing the difference in us all this past few days. My son (most importantly) is so relaxed!! I didnt realise how tense he had been the few months past ... hes carefree and cant wipe his smile! He has since told me its not the first or only boy crush ... im sure as he is it wont be the last. Ive explained this doesn't mean hes gay and if he is thats fine too, there are lots of different types of sexuality but for now the only label hes pinned with is 'young boy' and to enjoy it!!! From finding nothing but acceptance in us he chose to share his thoughts with other members of our family . . . His gran, grandad, nan, 2 aunts and his older sister. I forewarned them; worried how any negativity would affect my boy but there was no need he found only love there too. His sis told him how cool and cute he was and assured him he was still not allowed in her room lol. Dad took him off for the day biking (no boy sports ha just shared interest) to reassure him nothing had changed, no mention of changing school since but I would never have entertained tht! Im looking forward to seeing how things pan out in the future and watching him enjoy his youth knowing we're all right by his side xxxx

OP posts:
siblingrevelryagain · 26/01/2015 07:12

What great parents (and people) you are. There are too many people who still have an issue with homosexuality, so keep showing him a good example of love and acceptance and that will help your son (and his/your wider circle).

RiaOverTheRainbow · 26/01/2015 08:52

Grin Thanks

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