Did I say the right thing?

[sami1985]

I recently posted in the teen board that I suspected my 13yo son might be gay. After a conversation with a friend, I decided to talk to him about stuff in general, and he told me he had looked at some porn on his friends phone and was worried I'd be cross. I reassured him it was OK to be curious, and that he could talk to me about anything, and I would never judge him.

At this point, he said "even if I was gay?". I said of course, and that's how it was left.

This morning he asked me what its called to like both girls and boys, and I told him bisexual. He then said he think he might be.

Bearing in mind he has a best friend now for the first time ever (he is on the autism spectrum and finds making friends really hard) and this best friend came out a couple of days ago, so I thought possibly my DS is just confusing friendship feelings for something more...

So I said, you might look at a boy and think he's cute, or want to kiss him. But just think ahead long term. You know about the birds and the bees. Two men in a relation are going to have sex at some point. Do you know how they do this?

He replies " they bum each other".

I said, exactly. Just some food for thought. If you don't like the idea of that, your probably not.

Then we started talking about other stuff.

I'm worrying so much now that I said the wrong thing, can anyone give any advice?

Thanks xx

Not all gay men are interested in anal sex. You can be attracted to men and not want to do that particular act. His feelings on anal sex have nothing to do with his sexuality. Feeling desire to kiss, be intimate with, romantic and sexual feelings are what creates your sexuality. It's like how a lot of straight male 13 year olds might not like the idea of a vagina but it doesn't mean they aren't straight.

If he feels attracted to men and women then he probably is bisexual. Obviously some gay people do become confused and think they are bi when they are gay because it is easier for those around them to accept and they feel like they are 'supposed' to be straight. But many people are bi. I felt attracted to both sexes from a young age and am openly bisexual as an adult.

Damn, I knew I'd said the wrong thing. You see, I don't really know much about gay men, probably quite obvious from my post, so now I don't know how to rectify this, terrified I'm gonna say something else stupid now :-(

Forgot to mention, he also said "I just want to look after him " about his best friend, which I thought was incredibly sweet but doesn't necessarily mean romantic feelings, couldn't this just be friendship?

It may just be friendship it may not be. Time will tell. He will work it for himself as he ages. He doesn't need to label himself at the moment. It's great that he feels so comfortable about sexuality and that he feels he can talk to you openly. I suppose just tell him however he feels is ok and completely normal. That if he feels romantic or sexual feelings towards his friend that's fine as long as he doesn't feel pressured into doing anything he doesn't want to.

Thank you, he's a great kid and we do have a very close relationship which I hope will continue. The advice is much appreciated x

Hi op, please don't worry you have achieved the most important thing in this whole situation.

Your son feels like he can talk to you about this.

You don't really need to worry about working through what goes where he will do that with future partners what ever their gender.

There is no reason why he can't just experiment, I think it's sad that people are in such a hurry to label each other/ themselves. (Not aimed at you)

Anyway most importantly he knows you will love him no matter what

I agree with the above posts. It's important he knows that he can talk to you, especially with a subject as delicate and tricky as sexuality. As long as you treat any relationship, be it with a male or female, as a valid and as important to you as it is to him, there should be very little problems! It can be even more difficult with a child on the Autism spectrum, but as long as you make him sure that you're there for him and support him in whatever path he goes down, I'm sure that everything will work out for the best. Good luck to you both!

You're a great parent for not judging your son and loving him regardless of sexuality.
Not all gay men have anal sex anyway. Some might just have oral sex. But he is too young to be thinking about sex, so his views about sex may change over time.
@itsbetterthanabox made some great points about sexuality and sex.