Problems with XP over contact

[BertieBotts]

(Apologies for my typing, my c key is broken, I an only get one by opying and pasting)

I am having some problems with my ex and ontat arrangements for DS. We were never married so there is no resideny order in plae. At the moment XP has DS on saturday and sunday afternoons. He has expressed a wish to have him overnight, but I wanted to build up the ontat time so that DS is going for full days (or at least a full day on the sunday) before he did overnight stays. I have said this to XP a ouple of times now and he has never got bak to me on it.

The main issue I am havng is that I feel unable to talk to him about any issues whih are happening. I mentioned, politely, not aggressively, that he was an hour late to pik DS up the other day and he got immediately defensive and then his girlfriend shouted some verbal abuse at me, whih I ignored, but it's made me feel unomfortable about bringing up any other issues. DS has not stayed overnight with anybody yet and I was expeting to be able to run through his bedtime routine with XP to keep things ontinuous for him and help him to settle. Obviously I'm not expeting him to stik to it to the letter but I thought that having it outlined ould help him make things familiar for DS.

When I was with XP he was emotionally abusive and ontrolling and is still showing signs of manipulative behaviour, suh as when I hallenged him on his lateness, insisting he had never been late before (he is regularly 20 minutes or more late and often an hour or so late to drop him home).

The other big issue was that when we first split I wanted to do handovers on neutral ground, so we met in town, then one day it was really cold and snowy so he suggested meeting up closer, and I would meet him at the end of the next street. Slowly he has ome further up the street until he was opposite the house and saw me oming out the door, now he knoks on the door whih was not the original agreement.

I have been advised to look for a soliitor who overs family law and aepts legal aid ases (I am in the Warwikshire area if anybody has a reommendation), but was just wondering what I should do next, if anyone has any ideas/advie.

how old is child?
if you want to clarify things you can apply for a residency order in your favour, which would also set out specificed contact.
however that wont stop him turning up late!

also your exP might counter with applciaiton for joint/shared residency.

dsiocuss with solicitor

Good contact for children relies on parents working together, or at least not against each other. If you want to discuss child related issues I would suggest family mediation. Should your ex not be keen approach family mediation yourself in the hope he will attend if the mediator writes explaining what mediation involves and inviting him to attend.

Applying for court orders can be very destructive and there is an expectation that parents attempt mediation first. These days the outcome of many applications for residence is shared residence. It is possible for either party to apply to regulate contact and since December 2008 all contact orders and a warning notice is served on both parties. However, rather than challenge or force arrangements it might be less hassle and cheaper to accept that he is regularly late and plan round that.

When someone is being unreasonable there is no point in trying to reason, negotiate with or appease them. What does work is adopting coping strategies such as maintaining clear physical and emotional boundaries and focusing on your own behaviour eg not reacting, ignoring threats or criticisms.

good points as ever from STIDW.

it is hard work following the suggestions: "coping strategies such as maintaining clear physical and emotional boundaries and focusing on your own behaviour eg not reacting, ignoring threats or criticisms. " when the other party jsut persists....

also, yes; show willing to mediate, but if other person refuses you stuck... or if they then use "mediaiton" to be agresive and abuse...as my exP did.. mediator then agreed with me it was pointless.

Can I just mention that in her other thread, BB says she doesn't know where her ex lives and he won't tell her, despite his having found out where she lives and collecting thr child from her door despite an agreement that it would always be from a distance away. So he is taking her toddler out, now possibly overnight, and she has no way of locating him, other than a mobile phone, and there is no residence order or anything of that formal nature in place. Is that a worry?