Hi,
First post and long winded - but hope you can help.
O/H has a joint custody arrangement arranged in court with ex (2 kids 7/8) from 2 years ago.
In recent months he has started drinking when "looking after" kids and is generally an appalling father imo, he has gotten the train to drop them off pissed before now so he could drink and not have to drive- was so bad last weekend again he couldn't even drive them over to her (usual arrangement - got text 1/2 hour after usual drop off time 6pm to come and get them - we live 30 miles away) found out later on when we got kids back he had passed out when they got home, had happened weekend before where kids put themselves to bed and in the morning kids looked after themselves for 3 hours whilst he was hung over - apparently a usual occurence for months according to eldest - eldest child makes breakfast for youngest cos "dad wont get up at weekends!"...
He took kids last christmas to his family (scotland) on promise they would be back on xmas day (went up day before xmas eve)- brought them back boxing day night - o/h called police who visited but said it was a domestic.
Other night he left youngest child with a foreign exchange student who had only been in the country one day and exes o/h had never met before whilst he took eldest on an errand to drop a mate off at work which took over an hour half for a 10 minute journey....has had students in the house consistently for last 14 months - he does not have a o/h.
He fails to provide in general for kids imo, lunches for school are made up of dry rounds of bread and crackers, often forgetting drinks - youngest went three days with no sole on his shoes in winter when he had them "out of principal as OH gets family allowance" kids get hand me down clothes that dont fit - everything is money orientated even tho he does not pay any maintenance due to joint award - which is fine by oh providing he provides care when he has them.
Kids are looked after on his days before/after school by child minder who claims she often has to tidy and dress the kids cos of the way he brings them to her but she wont put this in writing - oh has asked.
On "his nights" with them, he often gets them baby sat either with friends or students but wont let o/h have them.
He refuses to make himself available when kids are ill at school - turns his phone off at work and often myself or o/h have to drive 30 miles to get them (he works 4 miles away from school)
He makes holidays for himself without even letting us know till its paid for then automatically excepts us to fall in - which of course we do for the kids but many difficult conversations with work on both our parts in getting time off. He has only just told us he has booked to Australia in August for 2 weeks and we can have kids - no discussion nothing....only assumption.
Given the above, he still claims he is "main carer" - my o/h has asked for him to make doctors appointments, dentists etc which he says he will but never does but wont allow oh to change surgeries to nearer us so we have to travel 30 miles each time - likewise schools are the same, wont even discuss school moving to our side as we can collect and drop off each day but he wont budge.
His family all live in scotland as mentioned and he refers to them as his "real family" - and always wants to take the kids at weekends when we normally have them sat night/sun - he has them mon/tue/fri o/n, so again often his arrangements suit him but no-one else and my oh loses out.
There are a number of issues and the drinking
underlines enough is enough - he's such a good dad he gave the youngest a present of a wrapped can of spray paint at christmas (nothing else) for a handed down pink girls bike!! (hes a lad)- Eldest whom he favours got a new bike!...I couldnt make it up!
My o/h has been to a solicitor who says the kids are at risk with him and to get sole custody - problem is she had a hefty divorce which left her in a lot of debt and she now earns enough not to get legal aid but with no spare each month - I earn but again not enough for solicitor fees £200+ hr - solicitor said if drawn out it could cost about £5k.
My oh is desperate but doesnt know what to do - I have said maybe self-represent but she is not comfortable as she thinks she would be ate alive in a court by his legal team and lose out if he starts telling lies about her?
Any advice on what she can do - she is at wits end and so upset.
Many thanks in advance
Del