House mortgage and divorce. Please help.

[SpiritualKnot]

Hi,
seperated, getting divorced. H left me for OW.
Agreed with H to give him £20,000, by increasing our mortgage by this amount and he pays child maintenance.(Kids 18yrs going to college October and other 11years) Child maintenance for younger one only.
He now says he doen't want to do both. He says I have the house and should be happy with that. He wants the £20,000 and no maintenance costs.
I earn more than him. He really wants me to move out and share 50:50. I do not want to move out at all.
He has contributed v little over the years. I pay mortgage and all bills.
I know his only option for a 50:50 split would be to wait until daughter is `18 yrs old.

My Q is, if he made me do this would he not be expected to pay half the mortgage in the meantime? If I pay the mortgage myself, as per usual, for the next 7 years, would it still be a 50:50 split?

He's just left and I'm v upset by this. My solicitor said what we agreed was fair, now he's seen one and they say it's not fair. He syas he's going to see his solicitor again.

The problem is there are no certainties in family law just probabilities and, based on their knowledge and experience, solicitors will sometimes give advice on what the best outcome for their client could be at the expense of the other party. Also some divorcing spouses develop selective hearing and only take on board certain bits and pieces that suits their view point!

Each case depends on the particular facts and without details it's only possible to generalise. When someone is the parent with the majority of care the split of assets should reflect their ability to raise a mortgage and the fact that they have the responsibility and expense of housing the children, possibly for some considerable time to come. That has to be balanced against the other parties mortgage raising capabilities and housing need. So although dependent children are a priority if the house is much bigger than required to house them adequately it may have to be sold or bought out to meet the immediate housing needs of both parties.

On the other hand if there isn't much equity deferring the sale of the home may be the only way of housing the children. If the sale of the house is deferred until the youngest child is 18 your husband is effectively lending you the equity and it would be fairly unusual, although not impossible, for him to pay the mortgage. Alternatively, depending on the levels of incomes spouse maintenance might be appropriate but this is unlikely if your income is greater.

If possible it's worth you and your husband going through the figures with a mediator and trying to reach an agreement where there is no winner/loser to find arrangements can work for everyone. Sometimes a couple of sessions sitting down to discuss the issues with someone neutral who is there to assist with reaching agreement diffuses the situation. Not only are people more satisfied with agreements made between themselves but they are more likely to adhere to the arrangements, it costs far less than negotiating through solicitors or a contested court battle and does the least damage to long term family relationships.

If he starts getting his solicitor to negotiate with your solicitor it could end up being very expensive.

He can't stop you from claiming child maintenance through the CSA. Even if you agree something in your financial settlement, you can refer the case to the CSA 12 months after the court orders are made.

Whether he would be expected to pay half the mortgage for the next 7 years depends on a whole pile of factors - how much you are earning, how much he is earning, how much you have to split between you and so on. It is certainly possible that he could end up with 50% of the house without having to contribute towards the mortgage but I can't say how likely that is based on the information here.

Thank you for your reply. It all seems so unfair as he has this OW who he is probably going to buy a house with anyway and they both work full-time.

The house is worth £195K and there's £101K mortgage left on it. H says as ds is going to college I should get a smaller house, but he'll be back at weekends and holidays. It's a 4 bedroomed house, but I feel that if I get stuck for cash I could get a lodger in, so I don't want to move.

He earns plenty of money but because he hasn't contributed v much, he doesn't realise that he can afford to live comfortably.

Also, if I continue working shorter days as I have been doing as he's not around to see to my dd after school, I may need to cut my hours at work at some point.

How does one find a mediator?

The priority is children under 18 but over 18s in education are not irrelevant and it isn't regarded as unreasonable for them to be provided with a base whilst studying or even for a gap year before or after college/uni. However, that still leaves you with a 4 bedroom house when the requirement is for three bedrooms.

Whilst I understand your reluctance to move the aim is to first consider if a clean break between spouses can be achieved. It can be quite liberating to not be tied to each other and remaining in the former family home and maintaining it can be a big financial commitment which can limit the resources to enjoy doing other things with your children.

A good starting point is to gather information regarding local house prices and both parties mortgage raising capabilities. The fact your husband is going to be cohabiting means he has a new partner to contribute towards household expenses reducing his need.

Most divorce mediators have a background as solicitors, counsellors or finances such as accountancy. It is best to get agreement about will be responsible for locating and engaging a mediator although when one party is reluctant sometimes the other approaching a mediator and the mediator inviting the reluctant party to attend can get the ball rolling.

The first step is to obtain a list of mediators in your area. The family lawyers organisation Resolution has a database of mediators and collaborative law practitioners (see below). Eliminate any of the choices that have not received formal mediation training first. After that, contact those remaining on your list for a brief telephone conversation to decide with which ones you feel most comfortable. Once you have narrowed down your list, schedule an appointment with your final choices in order to settle on one.

Another alternative is collaborative law. Each party still has their own solicitor and both need paying but agreement is reached through a series of meetings around the table with both solicitors present. However, an important part of collaborative law is that should no settlement be reached the solicitors will leave the case so it isn't in their interests for there to be no agreement.

I hope I don't have to move, I've taken out a £9K loan for a new conservatory that was just completed last week and I'm paying it off over the next 5 years.

Would that be considered in any financial settlement do you think?

If we come to some arrangement about me keeping the house, could I still be forced to move by the court? We've always had a spare room in our 20 year marriage for guests, is that not reasonable?

I've spoken with H this evening and he has agreed to pay me less maintence money and seems a little happier.

I have a slight problem as my parents are elderly (late 70's) and live around 200 miles away from here in an area where house prices are a lot higher. If I move now, it might be necessary to move again in 5 years to be nearer to them to help out.

Ideally I would stay here until my daughter leaves school and then maybe back to be near my parents. Not sure what I'd do work wise but had an open invitation to apply for a post in a city near to my parents last year so think I'd be ok, albeit on a lower salary than I am at present.

By the way, I don't think he will be mentioning that he is planning to get a place with the OW as he knows that'll decrease his need. She lives with her parents at present and has a young child (not his).

Thanks for all this advice by the way. Really good.