Hi,
I wonder if anyone out there can offer me some advice. I have separated from my husband and don't have any friends who have ever divored or separated and so have no experience of how things work out these days.
Anyway, I have a 3 yr old who starts school in 2011 and a 5 year old. My husband was made redundant at Christmas 2008 although he had a few months notice prior to that. He hadn't worked since but managed to get a 9-3pm job for one day a week in my daughter's school just a couple of weeks ago. There has been a credit crunch but really he's just not been motivated to work and this has been the main problem in our marriage. That and his habbit of spending money and lying about it.
Honestly, I don't know where to start here. When we had our first child I had a reasonable career - £25k but gave it up to be a SAHM. My husband earned £45kish I started working again when DH lost his job 18m ago. I had three jobs and worked 45-50 hours a week whilst he sat on his rear watching tele. He was doing nothing with the girls and had no plans to do anything. Then May 4th he hacked into my email a/c, read some emails from a customer at work and read too much into them and accused me of having an affair. Throughout our 8yr marriage we have always gone to church. The next day he called everyone in the church as well as all those in a church we used to go to when we lived in another town 3 yrs ago! He told them all we needed prayer as I'd been having an affair. I hadn't at all.
Anyway, I had had enough of the relationship anyway and saw this as a reason to separate. So moved into the spare room, froze all our banks accounts and declared myself as separated. We still live in the same house. The bank a/c thing was a big blow to him as of course I am the bread-winner and throughout our 8yr marriage he had always had full control of our finances and I didn't see a statement or anything, I had no idea of our finances (through no choice of mine, I have always been good with money).
He got his solicitor to start pushing me for maintenance. I saw my solicitor and he told me that I had to give up work or risk the kids living with DH as he would be seen as the primary carer. I was at home every day for 4 yrs until DH lost hos job, then I saw it as my duty to provide for my family and so immediately worked. Now it looks as though that'll backfire on me. Anyway I decided I'd work from home on the laptop every evening and in the office one morning a week when DD is at nursery. So, I am doing 16-20hrs a week and so getting working tax credit, maintaining my job (thank goodness for their flexibility). Does this help me to restore my position as primary carer? DH's solicitor has now told him to stop looking for work so that he's primary carer. So far neither of us have suggested divorce although that is what I'd want but I don't want to rock the boat too much and lose the kids. There is nothing there in the relationship - how can I go back to him when he betrayed me so much with calling everyone and he has been silly on Face-Book with comments and pictures of him putting his wedding ring in the bin...
What I want to know is, what should I do next, what shouldn't I do etc. I don't want to live in the same house but I also don't want to move out without the kids. At the moment I am paying for ALL the bills as he refuses, saying I've taken all his money (by freezing the bank a/c's. I have so far unfrozen one - releasing £800 each.
If we eventually sell our house (I want to put on the market, he doesn't), do I have to stay in the town? I don't want to ideally but appreciate that it could be seen as continuity etc.
How about new relationships too? How can they be seen - positive or negative? To be avoided or accepted? I have so many questions but this gets me started. I am sorry to ask all this of you but I can't afford to keep seeing a solicitor and the CAB locally won't see me as they have seen DH and so it would be a conflict of interest they tell me. The next nearest town can't see me for 6 weeks.
In advance I thank you SO much.