urgent advice re seperation

[pinkkoala]

sorry this could be a long one.

my husband has decided he doesn't want me and dd anymore, he thinks we are a burden to him and wants to earn his money and keep his money, i work part time.

he says he is seeing a solicitor today and that i need to find one, i would qualify for legal aid but i want a good one who specialises in family law.

he has told me he will make it as difficult as poss for me and will only pay the bare minimum. he has said he will make sure i don't have my dd living with me even though he can't look after her and doesn't want the burden anyway.

what exactly we he have to pay with regards the house, child support etc, and what benefits would i be entitled to as a single mum, i work 16 hrs a week on minimum wage and at the moment get no working tax credit or other benefits. What happens to the house as they won't let me take the mortage in my name as i don't earn enough, would he have to pay the mortage, would we be better to sell, i wouldn't get another mortage on my own so would have to rent.

i feel like i have been hit by a bus and don't know where to start, i have a very supportive family though who will help me through this.

my dd has seen me upset over the weekend and wants to know what is going on, she is 5.

can someone help to get me sorted.

He will be ordered to pay 15% of his net pay in child support which won't be counted in your income for tax credits.

You will probably be entitled to full child tax credit and working tax credit and perhaps some council tax benefit as well.

It is really important that you get good legal advice too, perhaps if you have a local women's centre they could signpost you to a sympathetic family law specialist because it sounds like your husband is being as controlling as he can be.

OK, number one is to find a solicitor. Go to www.resolution.org.uk. All good family lawyers belong to resolution. When calling say that you think you're entitled to public funding (legal aid). You can, if you like, double check by first going to the legal services commission website, go to the eligibility calculator for legal help. Within 5 mins you can double check that you're entitled.

The reason I'm advising you to double check is because if your half of the equity/assets is more than £100k you won't qualify.

Arrange for a couple of free half interviews, till you find a person you like, ie can relate to and who seems to know their stuff. Often lawyers doing public funding are relatively newly qualified so it's important to get someone you can trust.

So far as everything else is concerned, if you came to see me I'd be advising you to look for the following:

1. Obviously he has to pay child maintenance. This will be 15% of his net income

1. Spousal maintenance for you. Initially this will be to tide you over to help pay the bills. I'd also expect him to carry on paying the mortgage until a decision has been made about the house

1. It may be appropriate, depending on the amount of equity in the house and the affordability of the current mortgage payments, for the house to be transferred to you. This could be an outright transfer in which case he gets nothing, or a charge back, where when your dd is 18 or you remarry, the house is sold and he gets a share. His share will be open to negotiation.

1. If there are any other assets, they may be sold and divided, or of you're getting all or most of the equity he may end up getting some other assets.

1. Depending on the length of the marriage you may have an entitilement to your husband's pension.

1. So far as your dd is concerned, IGNORE him when he comes out with utter nonsense about you not having residence. If you're a SAHM & he works full time, then short of you having some drink/drugs/neglect problem there is no way you won't get residence of your daughter or, worst case scenario shared residence.

1. So far as benefits go, get onto www.entitledto.com. Put in your circs as they will be when he leaves to give you an idea. Or you could goto CAB. Sorry I'm not very up on benefits advice.

Good luck. Your husband is being an utter prat which sadly many of them are at this stage of a marriage breakdown.

I haven't talked about divorce but your solicitor will go thru'that (I'm dashing to work). The divorce is the easy bit, it's the money people argue over mostly.

Sounds like he is attempting to bombard you with negatives, so you don't do anything - knock you out before you get up.

CSA - depends on how dd spends time with each parent.

Whoever is the primary carer, will likely remain primary carer of dd.

Mortgage - always possible you could get a settlement to keep house and payments from him. More likely you would get a larger share of house.

Benefits - don't know.

Where to start.

Don't move out.

Make appointments with a number of family solicitors (ones that do legal aid), and see which one suits you.

Don't panic. Easy to say, but the whole process takes time, so start acting but don't panic.

mumble chum-are you a legal person, you seem to really know your stuff. As far as the equity is in the house its approx 40k, i would be happy to stay in the house if he paid the mortage for a while until we decided whether to sell.

i used to work full time until i got made redundant, then i stayed at home for 18 months and now have recently gone back part time since february approx 16 hrs a week.

i have never done drugs been a drinker, other than the odd wine, cider, malibu and coke on a weekend in the garden.

we have been married for 3 and half years so not sure if that affects either of our pensions.

i have tried the website entitledto.com but it says i may be entitled to approx 5400 a year, that can't be right as i don't get anything now.

he wants to drag me through the courts but surely it can be sorted out with the solicitors as i really don't want it to go to court, that would freak me out.

is there anyway he can stop my dd from seeing any of her grandparents as he has said that he will ban her from having anything to do with my family, i have never said this about his.

i have looked on the resolution website for a family law solicitor with legal aid.

there is one in the town where i live who has been specilising in family law for 40 yrs, do you think that would be a good one.

Is there anyway he can stop my dd from seeing any of her grandparents as he has said that he will ban her from having anything to do with my family, i have never said this about his.

Are they drug dealers, murderers, pedophiles, terrorists, dailymail readers ?

Otherwise NO. (dailymail was a joke).

Re lawyer visit and get a feel. Very important you sync with your lawyer.

And as for court - he's simply trying to scare you. I have a feeling he's more likely to lose out there.

Your whole situation sounds like "let me scare you into agreeing on my terms"

does every seperation end up in the courts, am i wasting a solicitors time if he is just saying he is visiting one, playing mind games.
or should i go and at least know where i stand, i have so much going round in my mind at the moment, the only thing i want is to maybe keep the house if he has to contribute and have dd living with me and he can have regular visits.

You definitely need a solicitor.

Sorry, hit the post button too soon! Yoiu need someone to represent your interests. I bet that your DH will have a solicitor, and if he has one and you dont then you will almost certainly come out the worst in this separation.

Hi Pinkkoala, yes I'm a lawyer specialising in family work (also do wills on the side).

Anyway, if you've found a resolution member who does public funding, I'd make an appt today if I were you.

Most cases don't end up in court but are negotiated. The procedure is that both parties file a detailed financial statement called a Form E then negotiations will be opened and eventually in 9/10 cases a consent order will be drafted and sealed off by the court without anyone actually going to court.

In complex cases or cases where the parties can't reach agreement then it will go to court and it them becomes v expensive.

If your husband sees a solicitor he will be told the realities ie that what he's telling you is frankly a load of rubbish.

Again, ignore any crap he gives you about grandparental access. In my experience, bullying type men will use the mum's love of the children against them by threatening to take them away in the hope that the mum will cave in on financial matters.

Get on the phone now and book an appt is my immediate advice.

You should definitely consult a solicitor who specialises in family law. Many will give an initial half hour consultation for free. And no, you aren't wasting a solicitors time. You will need a solicitor at some point in this process. Your solicitor will advise you on the financial split, arrangements for your child and so on. Your solicitor will also make sure that everything agreed is recorded in a proper legal form for approval by the courts.

It is possible to sort things out without either of you having to go to court. Having said that, if he is determined to force it to court you probably won't be able to stop him. However, he'll be cutting off his nose to spite his face. He may well find that going to court is very costly for him personally, leaving him with very little after legal fees have been paid.

As others have said, he is being a complete prat and threatening things he can't actually do. He won't be able to take your DD off you unless he can show that you are a risk to her (highly unlikely given what you have posted), nor can he dictate who you take your DD to see unless you are placing your DD in danger.

There is some good advice here already. Stay strong.

Sadly it isn't uncommon for people separating to become angry and make threats but it's important to realise that in many cases anger is a secondary emotion to primary feelings of fear and uncertainty. That said unreasonable behaviour is just that and the best way to deal with it is to establish physical and emotional boundaries, ignore threats and educate yourself about the realities.

One tip is when looking for a solicitor is to confirm that not only is the individual solicitor a member of Resolution and not someone else in the firm and after checking out Resolution's code satisfying yourself the solicitor is actually committed to it.

As for the finances each case depends on the particular facts. The usual legal advice is for neither party to leave the former matrimonial home until arrangements for children and a financial settlement are in place. The priority in settling finances is the welfare of dependent children and a good starting point is to consider how both parties are to be housed. To this end you should check out local property prices and the ability of both parties to raise a mortgage.

Financial settlements are about balance and a court won't leave children and the parent with the majority of care in the former matrimonial home if it is bigger than required and the other parent requires some equity in order to rehouse and not to be left destitute.

Someone mentioned deferring the sale of the former matrimonial home until the youngest child reaches 18 (or leaves university). This is really only an option when there is no other way of housing the children. The disadvantages of this arrangement is that it ties divorced couples together in property ownership for a long time and there are often problems for the parent with the majority of care rehousing when it comes to selling the property. There maybe a more appropriate way of housing yourself and the children.

Child support is 15% of the non resident parent's net income for one child although there is a reduction of 1/7th for each night the child spends with the non resident parent.

Spouse maintenance depends on there being a discrepancy in incomes, the income needs of one party and the ability to pay of the other. Often when CB, WFTC (yes it can be £5-6k) and CM is taken into account there isn't a huge discrepancy in incomes and someone on average earnings or below is unlikely to be deemed to have the ability to pay.

Married parents automatically have Parental Responsibility and are seen as equals in the eyes of the law. Most separating parents agree living and contact arrangements for the children between themselves. If there is no agreement the court can be asked to decide and unless there are exceptional circumstances a court will look to preserve the children's security and existing bonds. Therefore when one parent works full time and the other doesn't work or works part time to accommodate child care commitments they are usually deemed the parent with with the majority of care. Courts generally regard maintaining relationships with extended family as a good thing.

Totally agree with Mumblechum (as usual!) - also a family lawyer.
Just want to add he is a complete dick, he is making stupid sweeping statements about you not having residence of your DD without even thinking it through. He is trying to intimidate you and bully you and you must not allow this.
Make an appt to go and see the family lawyer you found (resolution member) asap as hopefully you will get the reassurance you need.

Good luck

Luv ya MOS!

Pinkkoala, I've nothing to add to the very good advice given on here but just to add my support and hope you get this whole thing sorted. Don't let the bullying or the time all this can take put you off. It will be worth it for your daughter a million times over.

Good luck

morning

sorry i didn't get back yesterday i was abit busy, i am waiting for a call from the solicitor, his solicitor has told him i won't get legal aid.

the equity in our house is approx 40k and we have no other savings, i only work part time on minimum wage so i am not sure if i qualify or not.

his has still told me he will take me for everything, including our dd, he has also said that if he has to pay csa he will give up his job so he has no income and no way of paying me.

he has also said he will stop paying the mortage and his contribution to the utility bills.

any advice is appreciated.

He is still making empty threats.

I suspect he is making up the comment from his solicitor about legal aid. There is a calculator you can use to give you an idea whether or not you are eligible here. I think you probably will get legal aid based on the information you have posted here.

If he really has seen a solicitor he should know that he can't do the things he is threatening.

As has been said earlier, he isn't going to take your daughter away from you nor is he going to stop your daughter from seeing your family.

He will have to pay the CSA. If he gives up his job to avoid paying (a common threat but one which is rarely carried out) he will find that they will assess him as if he still had his job. If he doesn't pay there are various measures they can take which include taking away his driving license and having him imprisoned. I have to say that the CSA are very inefficient so the determined non-payer can delay things for a long time but the CSA have the powers to enforce.

You should talk to your mortgage provider. If you explain the situation to them they will probably be helpful and delay any action for non-payment. Similarly talk to the utility providers if you can't pay the utility bills.

If he does stop paying the mortgage this will generally be taken into account in the final financial settlement, so he will lose out in the end. It will also, of course, go on his credit record and may make it harder for him to obtain credit in future. I'm assuming the mortgage is either in his name or in joint names. Failure to pay the utility bills can also go on his credit record if they are in his name.

Ignore his threats and see your solicitor as soon as possible. And be strong when you talk to him. I know it is difficult but try not to let his threats upset you. Tell him you've taken advice and you know he can't carry out his threats.

I would also suggest you keep a diary of the threats he has made. If he has made them by email or in writing, hang on to them. It may be useful as evidence later, although I hope his solicitor will eventually persuade him to be reasonable.

Good luck.

I stand by my earlier comment. He is a dick.
He is trying to bully and intimidate you. As prh says, he is not going to take your DD away.
So he gives up his job to avoid child maintenance. What is he going to live on? If he stops paying the mortgage it will effect his credit rating. It is an iddle threat designed to scare you, nothing more.

Agree you need to be keeping a diary of events/incidents/threats and make sure you see someone asap. Have you actually made an appt to see a solicitor yet. Don't sit back and put up with this nonsense, get and see a solicitor.

hi

i have just had email from a solicitor a contacted, she seems to think i am not entitled to legal aid, due to husband earning too much. I can't understand why as we would be seperating.

she has also said she could arrange a fixed fee interview for me to see someone, i though some gave a bit of free time.

i really want to get some legal advice before i make any rash decision, i don't seem to be getting anywhere.

we have tried to talk calmly, but if he doesn't get the answers he wants he starts throwing his weight about and giving me all these threats.

i have spoke to his dad and told them what he was doing and his response was"i have never seen anybody with such a vile temper". i explained about him taking my dd away and his dad just laughed and said he wouldn't be able to, as in most cases they stay with the mum.

that is what scares me the most as he has told me he would do anything he can to cause me as much pain as he could. He doesn't really want her living with him, only to upset me.

Hi, sounds a bit odd, if you are separating/divorcing then his income shouldn't be taken into account. I've not done public funding(legal aid) work for a while but I remember someone giving a really useful link recently to legal aid calculator to enable you to determine whether you are eligible. Will have a look in a minute and see if I can find it for you.

Good news that his dad seems to be on your 'side' (not that there should be sides) but the fact that he is reassuring you is very positive. Hopefully if your H becomes even more of a dick his dad will step in and have a word.

Hi Pinkkoala - sorry to hear you're going through all this. You are getting some fantastic advice on here. I was in your situation a couple of years ago - exactly the same threats and extremely high levels of dickheadedness!! But you have to fight back. Don't speak to him about any of this, you will only get upset. Where do you live? If you're near me I can recommend a VERY good lawyer.

I work part time and ex full time on a very good salary. I have kept the house and got a mortgae through Cheltenham and Gloucester as they look at all your income inc tax credits, child benefit and maintenance. So it can be done!!

You will be amazed at how tax credits cn keep you afloat! Our standard of living hasn't changed - if anything, it has got better since he left!
You will NOT lose your dd - my ex is still threatening to go for residency aven though we both know he really doesn't want it. I ignore him now.

You must keep a diary - best piece of advice I ever got! I used it so many times and it's amazing the power it has.
I was also told I wouldn't qualify for legal aid as my ex earned too much and we had a joint bank account.
Good luck but please get legal advice. Take care.

In the early days it can be difficult separating emotions from the practicalities making calm discussion impossible. There's a difference between having been in a controlling relationship and threats to keep the children, give no financial support etc etc made at the time of separation. See the psychology of divorce;

www.mediate.com/articles/saporo.cfm

Although your husband's behaviour is unreasonable the worst thing to do is to pour oil on the flames damaging long term family relations more than necessary. There are strategies to cope with conflict such as establishing physical and emotional boundaries, if necessary using a counsellor.

The idea of a free first solicitor's appointment is to generally discuss divorce, it's implications and to get the feeling of how the solicitor works. There is nothing to stop you shopping around but you will need to pay for legal advice relevant to your particular circumstances. When there are sufficient assets or one party is a higher earner with an income above average it is possible to agree an advance of capital to be accounted for in the final settlement or for legal costs to be included in maintenance pending the conclusion of the finances.