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Can my friend do anything here?

12 replies

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/06/2010 20:36

My friend, A, divorced her X with good reason 2 years ago. Since then, he has seen their two children at weekends and during the holidays. A year ago, A met a new man, G. The X knew about this, and the access visits continued. For some reason, A's family have decided that they hate G and won't now visit A's home (he now lives with her). Two weeks ago, A found out from her children that her sister had been in touch with X and asked if during his access visits they could collect the children and bring them up to see A's mum. As A's family have been extremely abusive to A, she told X that this wasn't to happen, and that her family should contact her if they wanted to see the children (she has often invited them 'round, they won't come). So, this weekend it transpires that X did take the children to A's family. She is beyond angry, and told him that if he was going to break her trust this way she would be stopping his access. He said he'sd contact his solicitor, and was verbally abusive. He then phoned the children (they have a mobile for him to contact them) and asked them if they wanted to live with him. A is understandably angry, and upset. He is implying that he will go for custody, along with her parents. Please can someone reassure me, so that I can reassure her, that he hasn't a hope in hell?

Sorry for the essay, just wanted to give as many details as possible.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/06/2010 20:53

Sorry, shameless bumping.

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/06/2010 21:36

Please? I'd really like to be able to reassure her a bit this evening. Poor woman's in bits

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wildfish · 13/06/2010 22:34

I'm not sure what info you are looking for.

From the limited paragraph of information it looks like A said to X you are not allowed to let children see A's family. The children are only allowed to see A's family if A says so.

X however did allow this.

A said access will be stopped.

X said solicitor time.
A learns from children X said do you want to live with X.

You said A's family has been extremely abusive to A. Don't know what level. Obviously not enough for her to ban them until them disapproved of G.

From all of this I would GUESS A was out of order threatening contact would cease (she has no right to do so, nor any right to dictate to X who they see while with X [excepting danger etc] ). If it went to court I would expect X to keep AT LEAST his current access. X would have to show very good reason to get residency. I might guess that X might get more than current since children seem to see more family with him, than with A. (That part is pure guesswork).

Disclaimer: not a lawyer, and based on limited information supplied.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/06/2010 23:07

A's family haven't seen the children through choice since she has been with G. The fact that X and A's family have got together and arranged visits is the issue. A feels undermined by both X and her family's behaviour. A's family have been verbally abusive, sent nasty texts and implied that G has sinister motives (no evidence for this). The children would see more of their family if they would be civil to A. Oh, and A's family loathe X, or did until last week.

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mjinhiding · 13/06/2010 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hatesponge · 13/06/2010 23:20

My understanding is that in essence, and unless there is reason to think the children are at risk of harm, neither parent can dictate to the other who the children can or cant see (or what they can/cant do) during visits.

I think your friend is at risk of making herself look unreasonable. At hearing, her ex can tell the court that he's tried to ensure the children maintain contact with their mothers family, present himself as the better person etc. This is the risk whenever one parent starts trying to restrict access in any way - it can backfire.

Your friend needs to get a solicitor asap, if she doesnt already have one.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/06/2010 23:21

Ok. Perhaps she has over reacted, however it is only her immediate family that don't like G, her friends all think he's ok. I don't think this is about X being fair, it's about point scoring and he's found a new stick to beat her with. Hopefully everyone will calm down and harmony can be restored.

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/06/2010 23:21

Ok. Perhaps she has over reacted, however it is only her immediate family that don't like G, her friends all think he's ok. I don't think this is about X being fair, it's about point scoring and he's found a new stick to beat her with. Hopefully everyone will calm down and harmony can be restored.

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/06/2010 23:23

Oops, sorry for the double posting.

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mjinhiding · 13/06/2010 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

prh47bridge · 13/06/2010 23:59

Your friend cannot dictate who her children see while they are with her ex unless he is putting them at risk. Whether she likes it or not her ex is free to allow his children (and I use that description deliberately - they are his as much as hers) to spend time with her family. If she carries on trying to stop that she will appear unreasonable. Threatening to stop his access completely makes her look even more unreasonable. It is unlikely that residence will be changed in the short term but she is strengthening her ex's hand if this goes to court. He may well get additional contact. If she fails to comply she may ultimately lose residence.

This may be his latest stick to beat her with but, based on what you have posted, it seems she is using her children as a stick to beat everybody else with, particularly her family.

My advice to her would be to back down gracefully and apologise.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 14/06/2010 08:18

Thanks everyone.

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