Travelling to see the children. Advice welcomed please.

[runcmc]

Hello

I would like some advice on the legalities of travel arrangements between two parents to see the children.

I am divorced from my children's father and have recently moved myself and my children 70 miles away due to starting a new career.

I have always kept the children's father involved in any plans and he has always known there was a possibility that i may move away with the children.

The children spend one weekend a fortnight with their dad who collects and returns the children to me on a Sunday. This arrangement remains unchanged since we have moved.

However he is becoming increasingly more frustrated that i will not regularly share the driving and has given me an ultimatum that unless i agree to take the children to him/share the travelling he will instruct a solicitor to start court proceedings against me to ensure that the driving and cost is split equally.

He has withheld maintenance for the children since we moved in April and i have had to contact the CSA despite always having a private agreement in place which used to work well.

Do i have a legal obligation to share the driving? Would a court decide that it was down to me to bear part of the cost and time of maintaining contact with his children?

I have stated that if he was to have the children more regularly then i would consider doing some of the driving, however as it is only one night in every 14 that he has them - i do not think i am being unreasonable expecting him to take full responsibility for seeing his children.

Any comments welcome. The more constructive the better.

Thanks for reading.

is there a court order at the moment?

the courts like parents to work together....its their right to see their dad as well.

i have heard of courts enforcing this,but i think its rare.

Absolutely - i wish the children saw more of their dad. I really do. However he has for the past 2 years been unwilling to have them for more than the one night per fortnight.

We have never got to the point of having to go through the courts for anything, there are no court orders and never have been.

I have offered for him to come and collect the children on a Friday after work so that he can have an extra night with them - extending the quality of time they have together. The traffic will be quieter also and the journey much quicker than a Sat morning.

He just doesn't want to agree to this.

He has also put in a 'variation claim' with the CSA to reduce the amount of maintenance he pays for the children to cover his traveling costs, which additionally with the offer of an extra night should be enough to resolve his unhappiness at the current situation.

However, i feel that the situation is more about making things difficult for me than a true concern about the cost and quality of time he spends with the children. (sadly)

In the absence of a court order you don't have a legal obligation to share the driving. However, as you are the one who moved away the CSA may reduce the amount of maintenance to compensate for his additional travel costs. The maintenance will also go down if he starts having them for 2 nights a fortnight.

As ILoveTIFFANY says, the courts like parents to work together. As you are the one who moved away you will be in a weak position if it does go to court. It is always hard to predict how the courts will behave but they could well decide that you should bear part of the cost and time of maintaining contact.

Could you drop them on the Friday? Kin d of forcing an extra night. If it went to court you could propose that...... cornering him, but you both get something out of it?

Mediation would be tried first anyway

So the courts would expect me to bear the expense and responsibility of getting the children to their dad because he's no longer happy about doing the driving?

He left me and the children and i have since rebuilt our lives, gone back to uni, graduated and consequently moved due to finding a great job to make a life for us all and a career for myself after loosing everything.

I could not be expected to stay in one place for another 10 years, just to make contact as easy as possible. There is a bigger picture here and it's not been easy making the decision to move away.

What i am trying to say is that yes i could put myself out to take them on a Friday, but i think that considering the circumstances it is his responsibility to make the effort to see his children once a fortnight. He never saw them any more than this before we moved, so i fail to see why i should make any extra effort when no one is at a loss?

I'm not sure that is unreasonable to expect?

No, they wouldn't expect you to bear the expense and responsibility because he isn't happy about doing the driving. They may (and it is only may) expect you to bear some of the expense and responsibility because you moved away. If he was the one who moved away there is no way the courts would expect you to contribute.

Put yourself in his shoes. It isn't his fault there is now a 140 mile round trip to collect his children. Why should he have to pay and do all the driving just because you want to live somewhere else?

Bluntly, you are being unreasonable. You are complaining that you shouldn't have to put yourself out but you happily assume that he should have to put himself out because you moved away. What if you moved 300 miles away? Would it still be up to him to pay for all the costs and do all the driving?

Well, it does seem as if all was going well until you decided to move. Generally the accepted wisdom is that the parent who decides to move does the travelling, so in many ways he is being very fair in asking you to 'share' it. It is considered to be the responsibilty of both parents to put the children first and support contact. I think the court may well consider that, actually, it is the children who are losing out over what (in the grand scheme of things) is a fairly minor issue.

Could you offer a compromise position? You will do the driving one w/end a fortnight but drop them on a Friday and pick up Sunday, he does the journey the other w/end Sat/Sun?

I agree with prh47.

I know you feel that XH failed you, and he did. However, if as you say, you have got your life back, rebuilt it all and what-not you have to move on, you have to let that past go, for the sake of the DC.

A compromise is in order, you drive the DC to him and he drives them back.

You moved, he didn't, but you have to be seen to be reasonable. Currently, you are not being reasonable.