URGENT - Mum with 4 children about to lose house

[JezUK]

Dear Women (and men !),

I've recently made friends with a woman in her early 40's. She has 4 children from 2 relationships (she never married - yes, I can see the eyes rolling as I type).

But it's not like that.....

She, a Ballet School teacher, P1 (1st partner) she was with for 20years (he an Art Historian, and an Art Valuer at one of England's leading Auction Houses).

She had 3 children with this man over a 20year relationship (their relationship broke down due to his severe depression).

She then had a relationship with another man, and along came child number 4. Her and P2 (along with the 4 children) moved into a house which they jointly owned.

Unfortunately that man left her when this little girl came into the world and left her lumbered looking after 4 children.

C1 (child 1) & C2 (both girls) go to boarding school (all paid for through scholarships), and C3 (boy) goes to a private school paid for by P1 (P1 is happy to pay for his only boy to go to a Private school). That is all P1 provides for.

P2 was supposed to pay his half of the mortgage on the shared house but since shirking from his responsibilities and moving out does not provide a thing (I've since learnt that he had numerous relationships and children from several other women).

So there she is, living in a house meant for 4 children (yes they do come home for holidays) and about to lose it due to P2 not paying his half. He is also not paying anything towards the upkeep of his child (C4).

She has told me that she has been to CAB, a Solicitor and the LA. All (according to her) have not been much help.....

P2 seems intent on stringing this along until she gets repossessed. They are already in big arrears (the mortgage is enormous IMO and has been moved onto an Interest-Only to reduce the monthly outgoings).

She may potentially walk out with NOTHING and I cannot see where she'd put any of her belongings (she hasn't got any money in the bank and is toying with the idea of buying a shipping container and putting all her stuff in that, though hasn't worked out where she'll actually park the container).

I suggested she put it into storage, but she doesn't have ANY money for that.

To me, as a man, something really doesn't seem right. That a woman and her 4 children are all about to be made homeless because of P2 who hasn't stuck to his commitment.

Please can you help as the clock is really ticking in her case.

P.S. It's not in my nature to 'tell' people what to do, but she has told me quite strongly that her heart is no longer in the house (i.e. it holds too many bad memories for her). I've told her that she needs to really consider the emotional turmoil putting all her belongings into storage and living out of plastic bags (I've been there myself so speak from some experience). Plus, I do notice that she does have a nice house and the children are very settled there.

Thanks,

Jez

She's not really independent though is she? Someone on 2 part time low paid jobs can't actually afford a huge house. I have one well paid job and can barely afford my small house.

Jez, you're a charmer.

My advice to her: sell house and get a full-time job.

If she's very independent then she needs to get a full-time job. NOW. Especially as she hasn't got all these kids living with her.

And sell the house. NOW.

'She has told me the figures and it really isn't much at all that they do pay.'

This is a person who doesn't even have the money to put her own belongings in storage without a loan from a relative and is about to have her home repossessed.

She had 3 kids with this wealthy person and walked away with, it sounds like, nothing.

I'm a pretty independent person myself, this is the first time I've not worked full-time in my life (DH does and I've been SAHM for nearly 3 years. It is driving me crazy and I cannot wait to get back to FT employment when DS is 2 and can be put in the nursery here).

I'd never a) leave myself financially exposed by living with someone I wasn't married to and not covering myself financially or always having a FT job so I always had the means to support myself and kids b) let my situation get so bad my house was going to be repossessed and I had to take money off relatives just to put belongings in storage because of some man.

She needs a reality check.

Sell the house and get a real job.

either that, or, you being a man, you be the next man she lives with.

she sounds a bit of a mooch, tbh.

you seem to know an awful lot about this woman and her ex-p's finances. Two dcs on full scholarships that cover boarding, tuition, uniform, incidentals? ExP who pays for tuition fees and nothing else? ExP2 who pays nothing? Two dcs in one house plus lodger plus foreign students? How many rooms does it have? Plus what do you care? First time I have ever felt the ned to put an [hmm}

she's not independent !! she's the very oppostive of independent, she is dependant on others , totally and utterly, from teh lodgers in her house to you helping her out

anyway, she's had the advice, what she does with it is her choice

eh, what do you mean you can see all the eyes rolling about her having kida and not being married? is there something wrong with that?

and i have reported your post for calling aitch a tw*t.

As for living out of a storage units and plastic bags, too, break out the violins!

I've done this several times in my life, yes, with children, too.

The key is always to get a FT job, any job.

People always seem far, far more willing and able to help when you are in FT employment.

Thanks for the advice StewieGriffinsMom (I can see the house being sold, but can't see the children being pulled IMHO).

And to all the others who gave good advice. I'll pass on what I've learnt here.

To llareggub, yes please do tell us who from the 70million people of the UK who I am referring to........(why don't you ask for it to be pulled seeing as you are soooooo concerned that this person's details would be sooooo interesting to find out and do god knows what with).

also P2 did not leave her lumbered with 4 kids, he only left her with 1. the rest were there before he was on the scene.

Sorry, I can't read any more of this cliquey nonsense.

Yes, please do PULL !

well we don't need to find out her details (if she exists) as you have kindly posted them here. All it takes is for one of us mums (ie regularly in contact in RL with other mums, possibly with 4dcs in a large house etc etc) to recognise this situation - one good thing could come of it - one of us would certainly tell her to dump you after your charming posts on here. Another first - i may actually report you for coming on, posting aggressively and then getting all shirty.

Well do that then GrumpyPants - get a life and DO it !!!

Yes, I won't be coming on here again - I promise you that much.

she rather sounds like my dad's ex (about 10 years ago). she had a massive house, rented rooms out. 2 girls with different dads, both in private schools paid for by p1. house tumbling down. all living on money from lodgers and rent from shop downstairs. all very odd. glad my dad got out of that one.

so, if the op has maybe changed a few details of his story then it could be that woman.

and please don't call aitch a tw*t. she's actually very lovely.

omg I actually think you are a bit mad Jez. I suspect you have some strange agenda here, so will leave you to it.

Jez, you need to apologise.

Can't believe anyone on here ahs said anything different to those who she ahs considered unhelpful. Frankly you/she can pick and choose what advice to follow, and undoubtedly will, but unless she takes soem responsibility and changes what she is doing currently (ie gets ft work, sells house , chases her exP's through legal means) she won't find her situation improving and will lose any benefit of discretion from her creditors.

This is one bizarre thread.

I've heard of women who go through life like this, like in magazines. Never seem to work, live with these guys and wind up with a lovely house.

Always thought it was made up magazine stuff.

Maybe it is

I don't get that you go anything you didn't know out of this, though.

She needs to flog the house.

And like, get a real job and stop living off men and other people.

calling aitch a tw*t?! missed that

anyhoo, methinks the OP is a little bit in lurve with the woman in this scenario, which is clouding his impartiality

Telll your friend to:

1. Get a full time job. Ridiculous to be worrying about money and only working 2 days a week.

2. Sell the house ASAP and downsize. The fact that the house is 'lovely' is irrelevant. It was clearly bought on the basis of being paid for jointly, along with the second partner. that situation has now changed, so your friend needs to adjust to the current situation.

(I live in a lovely house. I bought it jointly with my DH. If I had not been with DH, I would not have been able to afford it. If I split with DH, I won't be able to afford it. Neither will he. It is a pointless exercise to think that two people can run two separate households of the same standard/size as when they run one jointly)

3. Look really carefully at whether the additional private school costs can continue to be borne. If not, then the children can't stay. If she can afford to keep them there, uniforms, extras etc, then fine.

To sum up: this isn't rocket science! A family which splits up, and wants to live in two separate homes rather than one, are going to incur a lot more costs (mortgage/rent, heating, food......) Your friend needs to approach this with a bit more realism. What on earth did she expect?!

I'm not in any clique - but you can't live in a house you can't afford. And that's that.

yes, totally agree it is unrealisitic to expect that the material/housing situation remains exactly the same after a relationship breakdown

if the children are all at full time school then a full time job needs to be her top priority