fathers emotion abuse of SEN child help me

[kittycat68]

ds didnt want to go to school today and refused to go obviously i said he had to , to which he telephond his dad and said mums being mean to me can you come and get me, the dad phoned the school after i eventually got him there, and told them he was on his way to collect the child from school as he had my permission, which he did not i didnt even speak to him on the phone! had a meeting at the school where dad said all the right things like a politician without actually saying anything. ex told he could not take the child ex drove 200mile back home! when we got home after school i told all my children to take off their shoes and put them away at which point my ds (autistic) through andother paddy called his dad and said mums being mean to me again. ex told him 2remeber our mission it will soon be over and you can come to live with me, tell senco at school tomorrow that mums being nasty to you" ds was on speaker phone so me and my other children all heard this. ex tell ds that mum makes him go to school and if ds lived with him he would not have to go to school.other kids refuse all contact with ex due to domestic abuse that we have all suffered whilst married four years on he has now targeted my autsic child and tells him alot of horrible things like i have treied to kill him etc. i cannot seem to prove any of this as its his word against mine and he just denies it or says the child misunderstood what he said, i am at the end of my rope i cant cope with all this any more.

sounds like you might need some legal advice and a frank discussion with the school. I am sure someone with better knowledge than me will be along soon. Hope you find a solution.

sounds like you might need some legal advice and a frank discussion with the school. I am sure someone with better knowledge than me will be along soon. Hope you find a solution.

How old is your son?

Is there any way you can limit him phoning his dad? Any child phoning their dad for every little thing like this wouldn't be healthy, but obviously this is a magnified situation.

I think you need to get some legal advice and see a solicitor about a defined contact order and/or an injunction. If the situation is as you describe it, this is potentially very harmful to your child.

How old is your son? What does his father mean about 'his mission?' Has he already made an application for residence? If the other children won't talk to him because of abuse, how is it that he is able to telephone your autistic son? Why does he have the number?

If he has it because your son has given it to him, that is another story - how old is he?

I think ohmeohmy is spot on about the school - let them know what is going on, do they have any counselling/mentoring for your son?

Its difficult to advise without knowing how old your son is/full history of why you aren't together etc. So I think you need to see a solicitor and get some advice. Your ex should not be doing this and there are legal remedies to get him to stop. But practical remedies are usually better - talk to school, change your phone number or don't answer the phone etc.

ex gave ds his mobile no ds is 12 saw school at luchtime today they said that they do not want to get involved as ex contacts them alreay every week claiming pas . child has said to school he wants contact with ex. 9he gets lots of expensive gifts when he goes for contact. have residence order and contact order states contact every other sunday if the children wish to go. ex not allowed to have my tel no. he is self litigant and i have been going to court every three months for the last four years. he has tried for custody before and prohibited steps order when at court last asked for supervised contact but judge said no as there wasnt no recent evidence in the last three months of physical abuse of this child other two 15, 10 not seen father for 1.5 years. its just one thing after another i cant cope with all this any more and tired and sad i love my kids to bits but i am so drained as all three have sen. i feel like just giving in and giving up evem though i know its not in thier best interests.

It sounds exhausting. I am sorry to hear that.

Physical abuse is not the only kind of harm. Can you get evidence from your GP about the stress this is causing you - are you being prescribed any medication?

Sounds like you need to bring it back to court, set out your case that he is causing you and the children serious emotional harm. Keep a record of when he calls etc. Can you record it, get a friend to listen and back you up?

I would be tempted to take it back to court for an order to suspend/reduce contact on the basis of his behaviour and get court to list it for a fact finding hearing and hopefully get some input from someone independent from CAFCASS/Social Services to write a report.

But it is difficult without knowing what happened at last court hearing. did you have a lawyer?

yes had solicitor, said it would probably go to fact finding hearing in september but will last two full days i cant afford this either also said i needed more independant evidence which i dont have as ex dont do it when in front of witnesses has always been underhand and sneeky says children have amde it all up and i ahve been brainwashing them cafcas did do a report children said they had been hurt by there father and all the emotional stuff they had suffered but how do i stop him treating my ds in the mean time like this its heart breaking my ex tells him i lie to him and knows how to amnipulate the child he delibrately underminds me with him . hes like jeykl and hyde my kids are emotional wrecks and so am i .people tell you to leave and abusive relationship but it still carries on when you leave! only then you end up losing your kids as well whats the point, lifes not worth living

You are exhausted and at a low ebb, please don't despair.

First things first; you can do the fact finding yourself, you don't need to pay for a lawyer. Do you have a friend who can come to support you in court and take notes?

If you have a CAFCASS report supporting what you say and you can get some medical evidence to show what a devastating effect this is having on you, I think you would have a pretty strong case.

I think you need to get to your GP ASAP and tell him/her just how ground down you are feeling about this situation and what help can they give you. The GP can write a letter for the court and refer you on to counselling which it sounds like you could benefit from.

In the meantime, try and be strong. Luckily he is far away which means you can set boundaries about the indirect and telephone contact he has. Of course your son will use this as a way of getting at you; is there anything at school he can access such as counselling/mentoring as he sounds in need of help as well.

Basically it sounds like you are drowning and I think you should reach out now for all the help you can get. Is it worth contacting Social Services? Is there any respite help you can get?

You won't be able to deal with the contact/ex issues until you feel stronger generally.