Other then getting a contact order . . . .

[GreatBallsOfFluff]

Is there anything else to prevent ex from texting a day before he's apparently available to have DD?

Short story is ex is an arsehole a difficult person to deal with. Despite living only a mile away, he sees DD possibly once a month if that and that is always instigate by me and even then it's a battle as to whether he's not in the pub available. The only thing I can think of doing about this is to apply for a contact order, whereby I know it's unenforceable, however both him and I will know as to exactly when he's supposed to see her if that makes sense?

I.e. if there was a contact order stating that she should see him every other Saturday for the night, Saturday, at least he can only ask to see her every other Saturday rather than an hour here or there which isn't always possible with 24 hours notice?

Does that make sense? Or am I over simplifying things/wasting my time thinking about it?

I don't think you can apply for a contact order as the Resident Parent. You could apply for a Residence Order but as DD lives with you there isn't any reason for one, and courts work on a no-order principle. I'm not sure it would solve your problem anyway - a contact order would be for the minimum amount of contact so it wouldn't stop him ringing to ask to see her the next day, and as you say, if he's not interested and you have to instigate contact then a court order wouldn't change him (a court can't compell a parent to see a child if they don't want to). Plus he wouldn't have to ask to see her if he had a court order - you would have to make her available but he wouldn't have to turn up.

What about mediation? Write to him outlining the difficulties as you see them and invite him to discuss it with a third party.

Thanks Tanga.

Slightly more background is that when DD was 2 and half we were having these same problems, I did go to see a solicitor and did the whole CAFCASS thing. Ex did not want mediation then. Contact was agreed, but not put into a court order to allow for 'flexibility' as ex's solicitor put it. Needless to say that regular contact very quickly ended (although the weekday visitation was impractical due to school, the Saturday morning could have continued but didn't). I don't know whether mediation would be an option to him now.

After argument about a month ago (so probably not the best time) but I did suggest to him having her every other Friday night as I know he doesn't work Fridays or Saturdays, also he knows I would have to pick her up early on Saturday due to her dance classes, so not asking too much of him - after school and for the night. Even then he said "only when it's convenient".

I'm just getting so frustrated and would either like him to not be in her life at all, or have some regularity considering I can't even use distance as an excuse for him not seeing her.

I have said to him several times that I'd appreciate some notice but he seems to ignore that.

Well, you wouldn't lose anything by asking him, I guess. I think you have to try mediation before going to court now, anyway. Presumably the last minute thing works for him, so I suppose to keep their relationship going you'll have to work with what's there.

I think I'd still write and explain to him nice and simply how last minute contact is affecting DD (eg if she misses him, wants to know when she'll be seeing him, not good for her self-esteem to feel she is not a priority etc)and that she would prefer to have more of a routine. Ask him for his suggestions as to what that might be. But also point out that as DD gets older the ad-hoc arrangement will become less and less appropriate.

If he doesn't respond, you could tell him that DD's life needs routine so you will keep Friday nights open for him (or another night if that is more convenient) but that contact at any other time will require X amount of notice. And stick to it.

And then that's all you can do. Let him know if anything comes up on 'his' Friday (school events or whatever) and say you'll assume it's OK for her to go unless you hear from him by whenever.

And don't get draw into rows - he's not worth it.

The courts cannot force an unwilling parent to see a child because it wouldn't be in a child's best interest to be cared for someone who didn't want them. However, either party can apply for an order to regulate contact and with orders issued since December 2008 the order and a warning notice are served on both parties. That means either party can apply to enforce the order.

Good contact for children relies on parents working together and going to court to force arrangements tends to make that difficult, if not impossible. Therefore mediation is always worth a shot n the first instance. Mediators see both parties separately to explain the process so you can make an appointment for yourself first and the mediator will write to invite your ex to attend.

When the problem cannot be resolved I would think whether you can live with the disruption of short notice occasionally or if the inconsistency and irregular contact is seriously disrupting your family life and distressing your D. Only if it's the latter would I suggest involving the courts.

You CAN apply for a contact order as a resident parent. What you are asking for is a defined contact order as currently it is hit and miss. That order would specify when he sees the child and if he fails to abide by it you stop the contact and he would have to seek to enforce it and explain himself to the Judge. At the moment he has no respect for you and he does not feel accountable to you at all.......different if he has to explain himself to a Judge.

Go see a solicitor, some of them have a free first session and you may even qualify for legal aid. Alternatively look at one of the self help sites like diyfamilylaw, its time you made him more accountable.

Good luck