PLEASE help! ex partner going for residence order on our 3 year old

[sarahsanta]

please can someone help me. i'm in shock. i have just joined mumsnet. ok: i am a recovering alcoholic. i have been attending AA since 2005, and spent nearly 3 years sober before deciding that i probably didn't ned to keep goingt to AA anymore (very silly). At xmas just gone, i foolishly started drinking again. by March this year it was uncontrollable and i had to ask my mother for some assistance with my 3 year old to ensure she was safe and happy while i worked on stopping drinking again. My 3 year old sees her father every weekend and we have set this up with out court involvement. we both have parental responsibility. my daughters dad is in AA like myself. he is 3 years sober. at the end of April this year i drank heavily and phoned my ex partner to come and collect my daughter at 10pm because i wanted her to be safe. i handed her over to him that night so that i could spend the following few days attending as many AA meetings as possible. I stopped drinking (through the towel in), and got straight back to AA. My daughter was still with her father, and he took her down to the seaside for a holiday to his parents which had been long planned. My daughter remained with her grand parents while my ex partner return in order to attend his AA meetings. Last tuesday he attended an AA meeting holding hands with a girl we mutually know. unfortunately and STUPIDLY, i got upset by this, and for the first time in my entire life.... i hit someone, him. i then went home. on wednesday this week, the police knocked my door and arrested me. it was such a strange experience, because i have never been introuble in my life! equally, you can't go around hitting people. they said it was domestic violence. on returning home that day, a man approached me and handed me papers. my ex has gone for full residence order and a prohibited steps order. the court date to confirm this is may 24th!! he made a statement saying that i was aggressive in drink and that my daughter was in danger. unfortunately he also has evidence of nasty texts that i have sent to him through out the year for various reasons. my behaviour has been unquestionable inappropriate, and i have to accept that. however, i am on the floor, distraut that my beautiful little girl, who needs her mummy, is being taken away!! PLEASE HELP. will i get her back, based on my behaviour above?? please give me some advice. i am going to see if i can get legal aid on monday, but someone please give me some hope PLEASE...

sorry, I don't know much really, i have been to the courts regarding residence orders but not with the complications of an arrest etc. Your DD is with your ex now? You need to see a lawyer ASAP. I spent £3000 on a lawyer first time in court but did it myself from then on; however my case was straighforward. The only thing I can say is that if there's no residence order in place and he's not returning her voluntarily, i was todl there's nothing you can do till you start a legal process. Seeing a good lawyer that you trust helps; they are matter-of-fact and it calms you down. Just remember- don't do anything crazy and (sorry to say this at such a stressful time) don't drink, it will go against you. You have to swallow an awful lot of anger against the ex to stay reasonable, but remember what you want and just suppress the anger. Sorry, not much of practical help there, maybe someone else can advise better. Try to stay calm, you will see your daughter soon. Good luck!

I think there is enough here that is worrying about your behaviour to mean that the court will take his application seriously, as indeed they should. your behaviour is putting your daughter at risk of harm.

BUT the first thing is that you know this and you tried to take steps to protect her when you knew things were getting out of hand
It won't be just as simple as 'mother is alcholic, daughter lives with father'.

The test is what is in your child's best interests. If she has lived with you all her life and things have been relatively ok up to now, there will be a strong presumption that she should stay with you.

But if she is at risk of serious harm in your care, be it physical or emotional, the courts can take her away.

It may be that the court will say she stays with her dad while you show that you can/are sorting yourself out. If you have no history of previous violence, one violent incident may not count for much - but it may depend on how violent this particular incident was and what provoked it. Nasty texts obviously don't help. That will raise suspicions that you don't keep your negative feelings about your ex away from your daughter.

I would repeat the advice that it would help to see a lawyer who will help you calm down and make sure your case is presented in the best possible way, i.e. you are clear about what you are doing re your alcohol issues, who will care for your daughter while you are at AA etc. Are you prepared to go on anger management course or something similar?

I know it may feel like you are being punished by the court process but really and truly you are not - the court's job is to protect your daughter and if you can show that what's happened recently is not going to be repeated, I think she should go back to you as presumably that is where she has been for past three years.

thank you for your honest replies. just wanted to add that, at the end of my first post it says please give me some hope, though definitely not false hope though. PLEASE can i get some more opinions on this situation. I'm sick with worry..

BTW, i never say bad things to my daughter about her dad. she adores him, it's just that i do too, and she has lived with me 5 days per week since she was 6 months old..

I know it's impossible really to feel calm, ex DP also took my DCs and would not return them as we'd agreed, no resident order in place so I could do nothing, I was panicking about what might happen, but life is long and a few days or even weeks of high anxiety does fade eventually. You're not going to have a comfortable few days, but stay focussed and remember what you want at the end. The courts attach huge importance to the child's right to have a relationship with both parents so you've got that on your side, and you've been the main carer which is also important. Do some research on the net tomorrow, try the CAB if you can't see a lawyer, call some helplines if all else fails, but even if you're panicking inside, don't take any actions that are panicked, IYSWIM.

please can anyone else help on this subject x

I know it is easy for me to say, but try not to panic.

Can you speak with her father, calmly and try to reach some agreement with him? He must be worried about her but if he sees that you are genuinely sorting things out, do you think you could sort something out between yourselves?

Or is there a friend or relative who could help, as I suspect things are very raw between you at the moment.

The problem is once you are in court it does tend to get polarised and you end up 'fighting' each other to 'win' which is obviously not putting your daughter first.