ex coming back into kids lives after years

[lollipop69]

I divorced my kids father 6 years ago. He kept contact with them until 2005. When things got to difficult my legal team invited him to take us to court for contact so no-one could break the rules. He refused saying he would no longer have contact with them. At the time kids were 10, 8 and 7. He lives fairly close to us and has seen his kids around, and apart from the odd wave has totally ignored them. He saw them the other day and started talking to them. He said if they wanted to go to his house at any time to visit him they could as contact had always been their choice! Two of them say they would maybe like to see him and one says no way. They are now 14, 12 and 11. My husband has been bringing them up for the last 6 years as though they were his own and they all call him Dad. What do I do? Should I let them go round there of their own accord or should I try contacting him to arrange formal contact or should I just tell the kids no. He is not very amicable and I dislike the woman he lives with and know that I will not be spoken of very highly in that house. Sorry this was a bit long winded but please help!

I would advocate leaving it to your children. He has given them the choice. Allow them to make their choice. They are entitled to contact with their father. Should he go to court for a contact order he would almost certainly get one unless your children really didn't want to see him. Given the history I wouldn't try to make formal arrangements unless he requests it or there is a problem.

I'm afraid you will have to put your feelings about his partner and your other concerns to one side.

Thanks for your advice. Rather than formal arrangements would you suggest I try and contact him in order to put in place some informal arrangements as I would not want the children all coming and going as they please as we have quite strict house rules and he would not adhere to the same rules as us and I am trying my hardest to have my children grow up to be respectable teens (rather than unruly ones!) They have all said that they would never go and see him withut talking to me first as they are all encouraged to be totally open and honest with me about anything regardless of what my opinion may be.

ditto what prh47bridge has said

I wouldn't even talk to him about informal arrangements at this stage. Your children may decide not to see him, so having that discussion may raise false expectations. They have said they wouldn't go and see him without talking to you. That should be enough to start with. You can't make him stick to your house rules in any case so you need to trust your children to behave responsibly. They will still be spending more time with you than with him so you should have more influence on how they turn out.

I would wait until there was a problem before having any kind of discussion with him. Hopefully there will never be any need for that discussion.

I think I agree with you. They haven't brought it up again since so I think it is just something that they think about whenever they see him around to speak to (about once every 3 months!)I am hoping it has just all blown over again til next time. Thanx for the advice though.

I would leave them to it.

Is it possible that he didnt have any contact with them, or go to court perhaps because it had got to the difficult stage and maybe he just thought Im not putting my children throught anymore hurt/rows/ difficult situations, and that their lives maybe would be better wihtout him? Yes they would miss him, as he would them , but there would be no tensions on a daily basis, and maybe there mum would be happier which in turn would make them happier?

Maybe he was just waiting for them to grow up and make up their own minds and not have to agree to contact orders , times , days etc. To spend time with him as and when they genuinely wanted to?

It sounds like this is the case, as he has said he'd like to see them but isnt putting any pressure on them. I would let your children decide. They will soon realise if he is a let down, and unfortunatly soemtimes we have to let them learn for themselves. good luck