How to legally stop access - Abusive XP

[InflatableMonkey]

Hi there,

I'm looking for advice on how to stop access .

Background:I split from XP 2 years ago when DS was 1 week old. XP was psychically, mentally and verbally abusive towards me and has two convictions for assault to prove this, as well as numerous arrests. While I was pregnant with DS (approx. 8 months pg)XP was arrested for hitting me in the stomach as a result of this arrest XP was investigated by SS when the baby was born.

As stated above, I ended the relationship and kicked XP out of my home when DS was 1 week old; XP had almost no involvement with DS in his first few months but has started to show a slight interest, though very inconsistent, for the past year (his family have shown almost zero interest in DS at all: XP's mum has seen DS twice and XP's dad once or twice).

I don't leave XP alone with DS - I did once for 15 mins only to come straight back as I, not surprisingly, don't trust XP. I realised on that occasion that I don't trust XP around my child and never will. There have been a few occasions recently that have got me extremely worried and have me questioning whether I've seen a display of anger from XP towards DS. I know from experience that XP's temper is incredibly quick and seconds after he has hit out he will deny it ever happened (I believe he is a narcissist and interestingly enough he has told me he suspects he is)there was an incident last week with DS that had me question if XP had hit him and it happened in public with people around. The bottom line is, I don't trust him; He is violent, unstable and incredibly manipulative.

I will be seeing a solicitor next week for legal advice but as I have no hard proof he has been violent towards DS I don't know where we stand in regards to stopping access. I know XP is an incredibly dangerous man and even though I'm present on all visits I still don't trust him and feel incredibly scared and anxious for DS (sometimes I feel he is looking for an opportunity). I can't stop access without legal back up because I know he will try and make the situation more difficult, so, I'm making excuses at the moment to keep XP away, however, he won't fall for this smokescreen for too long.

I've been told it's hard to stop access completely but I feel this is the only option in this case. How can I go about this, will my concerns be listened to/taken seriously?

My only other option is to relocate abroad as far away from XP as possible. but that is obviously a last result. Has anyone else been in a similar position?

TIA

Have you gone to the local police domestic violence unit? Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Womens Aid Report every incident to the police. Must dash now but hope this bumps it for you. chin up

It is extremely hard to stop access completely. On the upside he has convictions but violence towards the mother doesn't mean that access will automatically be denied - i am sure you could get supervised access though as he has already been investigated by ss and all. I wish i could say it will all be ok but i am myself in the middle of this with dds that do not want to see their father and still i am fighting everyone and it so scary.

I have thought about relocating but i am sure that my x would have that stopped... i know someone who took their daughter to australia and was repatriated by the courts, her x was even in prison for some of the time she was away - it broke up her 2nd marriage and only after the father crashed a car drunk with her little girl in did the courts stop direct access.....

I am sorry i cannot be more positive and i echo nuttybear in saying get another outside agency involved - get yourself risk assessed by them as this will help your case.

Good luck with the lawyer, get the best you can, someone who has experience of this becuase i have taken a lot advice in the past and it was not always good with hindsight.

Thank you so much Nuttybear and tartyhighheels.

Nuttybear - Yes, I have contacted Women's Aid in the past and I was thinking of contacting them in relation to this issue and will certainly do that now.

tartyhighheels - Thank you for the excellent advice, as you said, I will certainly get an outside source involved and report everything that worries me no matter how much I question myself. I really hope you and your DC succeed in your fight! The best of luck to you.

well i got contact stopped....my ex was similiar to yours....still is

no court order? just stop the access,let him take you to court

if you get this far,ask for a forensic psychological asessment on him....this was my ex's comedown....

i got a section 91 (14) against him

Hi

Trust your instincts and if that is to stop access then do it. If he is dedicated and committed, he will make an application to the court that you can in turn oppose. Inform the court of your reasons stating all of the violence The court will investigate the same and make a decision. It's important that you get everything recorded even light concerns that he may have hit your DS.

Moving abroad is tricky because if he has PR it requires his consent and a court hearing if he refuses to consent. Do keep in touch.

Best regards

He has been violent towards your DS, though. He hit you in the stomach when you were pregnant - could have killed your DS before he was even born. The fact he did this shows he has violent feelings towards your DS.

Am in the middle of court hearings with abusive and violent ( to me and DCs) XP... Good luck is all I can say right now. I genuinely have no idea how our case will pan out. Just stay strong and don't flag in your love and protection of you and your child xx

Thank You so much everyone. I'm currently looking for a more knowledgeable solicitor as the one I spoke with was not very helpful at all unfortunately. I'm still keeping a distance between DS and XP.

ThreeBlondeBoys - You got access stopped? Glad to hear it! that's incredibly hopeful for me, thank you for your advice.

Sassa - Yes, I've learned that in regards to XP that I have to trust my instincts at all times; he is very manipulative. Thank you for your input.

cantcarryon - Yes, exactly, that's what concerns me and I hope that will be brought into consideration when the time comes for court.

MsDav - How is the court case going? Good luck with proceedings! I hope you and your DC's get the positive outcome you deserve.

get it into court arena, provide all the evidence and if he insists on contact make sure it is supervised only at a contact centre.

you can investigate local contact centres - try www.naccc.org.uk/ some are volunteer run others much more "professional" trained people can do proper observed and supervised contact with reports to court etc.

if court ordered then you can get CAFCASS to fund the visits.

if he is able to persuade courts he changed man etc and "just want to be with my son" bla bla bla then they will likely order supervised contact centre visits and you will have to see how that goes...

you being present at visits isnt going to work long term is it? your ex will see it as some kind of conection/control over you...

how does ex behave towards you at these times?

keep careful logs and records...

we have gone thru contact centre and moved on now to court order for supervised contact outside centre - - have had some unsupervised, but currently not allowing my ds (he is autistic) with exP; after ds ran away while in exP's care on weekend - (police were called etc but by sheer chance a mother who knows him found him on street...) i have stipulated another adult present or locks/chains fitted - as exP has not fitted any kind of additional security ds did not visit him ystrday - dds did as they fairly mature... oldest is 10 - exP said on returning dds that i am "neurotic" and need to "take some diazepam" -which makes me wonder if he is on same again...

it is very ahrd - trust your instincts and keep it in court arena re: contact.

yes,i echo that....court can be best thing sometimes,as you all get to be listened to.

my ex gave up...i knew he would. he had to prove himself and he smply couldnt't....court is no good for weak men!

I'm in the middle of something similar. My case has been going on for nearly 18 months. We are at the stage that the circuit judge at my fact finding hearing ordered for my xp to attend a domestic violence course, run by my local council. It lasts for 22 weeks and he has to accept the findings against him. Last two times we were in court he stormed out saying he "wasn't going on no fucking course cos I never did nothing wrong" and if he doesn't do the course then he has to end his application as it is the end of the line for him. The judge ( a middle aged man who has had nothing but sympathy for my exp despite a circuit judge finding him violent and aggressive towards me and ds1&2)has given him yet another chance to think about things and we have to go back at end of May. The judge keeps giving him change after chance even after the way he behaves in court. He was ordered to do some indirect contact by way of letters or cards and all of them were returned as they were considered inappropriate. He told the CAFCASS officer to fuck off and that he was patronising him and basically is agressive and intimidating even in court. His own solicitor was crying in the toilets after one of the hearings. he is incapable of even acting sorry or changed
I know he won't do the course, and even if he does he still has to get through the CAFCASS interviews afterwards and the psychological assessment I will be asking for. I agree with threeblondboys, court isn't the place for weak bullies.

Good Luck!

going through simualer myself, however i would like to point out that my solicitor told me it didnt matter that he had been violent and absive to me as there was no hard evidence that he was abusive to the children despite one being autistic and one with learning problems he would stil get contact and that there had been no recent abuse to the children, because they refuse to go, he would get the contact order enforced. what can i do? if i dont force them to go i could lose my kids that i am protecting. Not all abuser are darft some are very cleaver in the control they use, parent alienation sydrome often being claimed by them, courts also rarely use contact centres unless THEY think violence will definately take place. I left my abuser 4 years ago and it is still court date after court date with this self litigant ex. Be warned some dont like to lose the control over you you could be in for the long hall, your anxieties over your childs welfare will not be taken into account by the court.

Actually I've found Contact Centres are used routinely by courts including during cases where no violence has been alleged. Also Parental Alienation Syndrome is not recognised by UK courts.

i got contact centre ordered - violence was witnessed by children but was not directly against them. was not as violent as some abusers. guess it depends how old children are as well - my dds were able to say "see dad only if another adult present". they were 6 and 8 .
ds (ASD) could not express opinion but it became same for him.

but i would ahve thought if v young childrne you coould also argue for contact centre at least initially.

How did u kick xp out of home?. Did he own it or were both names on morgage?. Ive been with mine 3yrs n got 8wk old baby n want to throw him out cos not got job to go back to when hes bit older cos did casual work when pregnant and qualified masseuss so not leaving cos too worried about how id manage esp since he`d try hardest for us to not get any money off him, despite him earning loads

what was your story with your ex? mine hit me, arm still hurts at top so could get xray n maybe damage?. Is a bully, kicks baies stuff round house, walks away, leaving us one nite in dark 2 walk home, slags my family off - he barely knows cos can`t form realtionship ive got with his-esp his mum now. Verbal threats etc

Hi Ladies, Been away just catching up on the new posts now. Thanks so much for your help, stories etc! So many of us dealing with these pests; I said to a friend yesterday that it feels like the day I meet my XP I caught a terrible illness that won't go away!

cestlavielife, supervised visits at contact center I can live with if all else fails. I didn't know some observe for reports for court etc that's interesting but my XP is very "nice" and well behaved when he knows he's being watched although he does slip up majorly. In answer to your question, he spends ALL he's time "acting" nice when I see him but he's never far away from a underhand or manipulative comment. I always feel incredibly drained when I'm in his company. I'm so sorry to hear about your DS and glad he was found safely! I can't believe that after that near miss your X is calling you neurotic?? utterly mad and typical:reflecting of his bad behaviour onto you.

ThreeBlondeBoys, agree with your comment; the last time my ex was in court he was savaged by the judge. Because he surrounds himself with a close-nit group of family and friends, who all either don't question him or believe his excuses, he thinks EVERYBODY will react like that to him so when faced with someone with no bias to him he always looks like the idiot that he is. How did you get the section 91 (14) ordered? I've heard those are difficult to get ordered.

ABitBatty, I can't believe the attitude of the judge! how appalling. His solicitor crying in toilets, I'm not surprised from the sound of it he sounds like a lunatic. I hope your X fails miserably or just gives up. Good Luck.

kittycat68, "if i dont force them to go i could lose my kids that i am protecting" - I really feel for you. Could that really be the outcome if you don't make them go?

adventurousmum. Please call Woman's Aid - www.womensaid.org.uk he sounds awful. They can advise you on what step to take next and also in regards to getting money from him i.e. child maintenance after he's gone, contact CSA they will calculate and assess how much money he pays you for your child per week and take it form his bank account. Even if he's not working they will take money from his Jobseeker Allowance. If you still have evidence from him hitting you go straight to the police and press charges for assault. The sooner you go the sooner they can take pictures of your bruises etc for evidence.

I'm currently getting as much advice as I can and then will make a decision on the best course of action and run with it.

Good Luck to you all!

Just a word of warning here, you may feel you can live with a contact at a Contact Centre, but this is the slippery slope to unsupervised contact.

You are right that Contact Centres are used where there are doubts about the father; past violence or a long period of time since the last contact with the child.

However, it is a short term solution. If it goes well, there is then nothing to stop unsupervised contact.

Just be wary.