Where do I stand legally if dh has had an affair and our marriage is over, but he refuses to leave?

[punchandjudy]

I suspect I know the answer to this already but just wanted to make sure before I go and spend lots of money on a solicitor only to be told there is nothing I can do about the situation anyway.

History: Find out dh having an affair with a neighbour on valentines day. He admits it, she admits it. After a great deal of thought I have decided i can't live with this man anymore and that it is over.

However, dh will not move out. I have been told it would be risky for me and ds to move out. The house was my house before I ever met dh so I feel (rightly or wrongly) that it is MY house and that I shouldn't have to move out of my home because of his actions.

But what can I do? I suspect i can't do anything and friends and family have told me to seek legal advice but tbh i can't see the point. I can't physically remove him, and he hasn't enough money to go and rent anywhere.

Any ideas/advice? Feel like I will have a breakdown if I have to look at him for much longer, and I just want some breathing space to see if I can cope on my own.
Please help.

unfortunately there's nothing you can do as it's the marital home and he has just as much right to be there as you do even if it was your house before you got together.

My cousin had a similar experience where although his ex did leave, she kept coming back to help herself to things (cutlery, crockery, furniture ) and he was told there was nothing he could do about it even though the house was in his name before they'd got together.

iirc he did seek legal advice and they reached a compromise - that is to say he paid her off, and he was lucky that she didn't demand half of everything which she was entitled to do even though they'd only been married for twelve weeks.

What is your h's view about this? Is the affair over? Does he want to stay in the family home because he wants to work on the relationship? or is he just doing it to be difficult?

It's your house in your name only?

Give him a day/time to be gone by and then call the police if he still wont leave. It's not your problem where he goes after that or whether he can afford somewhere else or not.

good luck.

If he refuses to leave on asking, consider a letter from a solicitor inviting him to leave for the benefit of the child because the atmosphere in the house can't be good for him. That shouldn't cost much. If that fails, get on with the divorce and negotiate a settlement asap. How much he gets depends on how long you were married, how long you had the house before marriage and financial contributions. pm me if you don't want to give details on thread.

Best regards

The house is now in both names. He put some money in when he sold his house several years ago.

It just seems so unfair. You can behave however you like, and then there are no consequences you have to face. He says that if we split it's because of me, nothing to do with the affair, but my inability to deal with it, and I will be damaging ds and ruining his childhood.

That's called deflection! Consequences are that he looses wonderful you and son unless you guys can work through it. Is there a thread on 'surviving an affair'? Depending on financial resources, you may not need to sell the house. We would consider how much you put in, how long you've had it pre and post marriage and then assess financial needs of the child.

Best regards

Harjit

whatever you do, do not move out. It might unbearable for a few weeks but you may lose your house and that is not fair.

For now just grim and bear it, move into a spare room or in with your ds.

Seek legal advice immediately. Does your DH want to save the marriage then or continue the affair?

what a prize cocklodger

solicitor
cab
entitledto.co.uk
shelter england - these can give you specific advie regarding yourhome

I mean grin of course but I think its quite an apt mistake

Mrsmontano is wrong, by the way. Even if the house was in your name the police would not get involved as he isn't committing a criminal offence.

Your family are right - you need legal advice. If there is really no way back you need to divorce him. That will include a full financial settlement, part of which will be him moving out. I'm afraid you may end up paying him some money to enable him to move out but that depends on the details as Sassa says.

And, speaking as a man, his attempt to blame you is rubbish. He had the affair, not you. Whilst some couples are able to get past an affair (and some cope with serial infedility) it really isn't your fault that you can't carry on. It is his fault for putting you in this situation.

why on earth did you change things, you should have kept the house in your name only.

DH owns the home, he bought it outright before we met and rightly so, it should stay in his name (regardless of our marital status).

Ask him to move out with a relative or friend until he gets himself sorted out. The atmosphere can't be great for you both atm.

Anymore advice??

makes no difference whose name it is in. What makes the difference is the marital status. My advice is for you to get advice, pm me if you wish.

no wonder you can't get past it - he's blaming it on YOU for not being able to deal with it?

what an utter, utter cunt

get legal advice and a very good lawyer. take this bastard to the cleaners

It doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds of the house, when you are married both parties have rights to live in the marital home. When the deeds are in one name only the other spouse's matrimonial home rights can be registered with the Land Registry preventing the former matrimonial home from being sold until settlement is reached.

Recrimination isn't useful. I would advise against taking a spouse "to the cleaners." Emotion just hurts the wallet and has the potential to impact on the long term well being of children. High levels of conflict between separated parents is the most common factor associated with poor outcomes for children of separated families.

Financial settlements are just an exercise in number crunching and feelings are best dealt with separately, using a counsellor if necessary.

Fuck useful.

Make him sorry.

I was in a similar sitution 2 years ago, found out exh was having an affair, he wanted to be with her not me so that was the end of our marriage but he refused to move out, had no family local and his mates were not willing to help him. He moved into the spare room but he continued to see other woman and after 2 months it wore me down so much i decided that mine and the kids sanity was more important than the house so i moved out into rented. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do but i could not have lived with him a day longer. I took most of the furniture etc.

The house is on the market and when it sells we have agreed on a 60/40 split of the profits.

Not saying this is what you should do as i did it against my solicitors advice but i was so depressed about the situation i could not stay in that house another day.

You must get some legal advice by the way and dont let him put the blame on you cos you know you are not to blame.

I'm with STIDW.

You can either agree a financial settlement between you or let the courts decide. The courts will not let you take him to the cleaners or make him sorry - they will be looking for a fair split of your assets (and the fact he has had an affair is, as far as the courts are concerned, entirely irrelevant in determining the settlement). Furthermore, the costs involved in going to court will mean there is less money to be split between you.

I agree with Skidoodle's description of your husband. However, it is in your own best interests and the interests of your children to put that to one side when sorting out the financial settlement.

whose name the house is in is irelevant. If you are married then half of everything is his and vice versa.