custody

[bubbles2904]

Hi everyone, i've not posted on here for a long time, i originally belonged to post natal 2005 group.

I need some advice and hoping someone can help me. my cousin and his girlfriend have split up, and he is about to move out of the family home. his girlfriend is evil and has told him that if he leaves her, her and their daughter come as a package so she won't let him see their daughter again. their dd is 11 years old and is a daddys girl, very close to him and has expressed her wishes to live with her daddy.
Does anyone know what the age is where the court will take into consideration the childs wishes? he just wants access to his daughter. he is a very good dad, and i think all parents, unless there is a good reason, should be allowed to see their children.

Please advise xx

Please don't go calling this woman "evil" - like your cousin, she'll be distressed about the breakup, and none of us know the reason for that.

At 11, the Courts will take into account his daughter's wishes, so if she wants to see her dad, she should be able to. Who she actually lives with may be a matter of practicality in the end.

Good luck to them all.

I'd strongly recommend he gets in touch with Families Need Fathers. They can offer a wealth of good, practical advice. There are lots of different ways of organising residency/contact, but in general courts do like to see both parents maintain contact with their child.

First off, though, your cousin needs to double-check if he's got Parental Responsibility. If he wasn't married to the mum, and given the age of his DD (the rules changed in 2003), then even if his name is on her birth certificate then he won't have PR unless he and his ex sorted out the Parental Responsibility Agreement forms between them.

If I were him I'd be very strongly tempted NOT to move out before setting out a firm residency/contact schedule. That doesn't necessarily mean a court case, but at least something thrashed out between the parents (with the help of a family mediator if necessary) to set some ground rules. Even though it wouldn't be legally binding, it could be shown in court as evidence of good-faith negotiations.

Initial hostility towards contact is fairly common and fortunately in most cases it doesn't persist. The courts presumption is that it is the right of a child to see and know both parents in all but the most exceptional cases and the views of a child are taken into consideration according to their level of maturity and understanding.

When determining where a child lives it's generally accepted that disrupting a child's sense of security and established bonds should be avoided when at all possible. Therefore the parents' existing patterns of work and child care are important factors. When one parent works full time and the other doesn't work or works part time to accommodate children it's usual for the children to live the majority of the time with the parent who has accommodated them. If both parents work full time and child care is shared equally the status quo would be shared residence 50:50.

Some points for your cousin to consider;

1. Marriage sadly over -you can't make someone love you

1. Children need both parents.

1. There is always the risk of anger and disappointment that the relationship is over getting in the way.

1. Under the Children Act 1989 the Court should NOT make an order unless it is necessary. Good arrangements for children rely on parents working together. Forcing matters through courts tends to make this impossible. Negotiating some ground rules with a mediator so BOTH parties know what should be expected of them the child is preferable.

1. It is the parent's separation, not the child's, and badmouthing the other parent is emotional abuse.

1. Parent's have a working relationship with each other until the child leaves university SO do not make communication difficult by taking an entrenched or possibly a moralistic view.

1. A relationship for the child with BOTH parents and their extended families is the RIGHT of the child not that of the parties.

1. Always ask the Question --what is best for the child?

1. It is very important children do not lose respect for the other parent. Children who are insecure about parents tend to have low self esteem leading to emotional ill health and relationship difficulties in adulthood.

10. It is tough when one has been let down / betrayed etc not to take out that anger in one's actions - This is what being a good parent is all about.

11. Remember Relate or couples counselling can often improve communication and help both parties separate with the least acrimony and damage to long term family relations.

12. It is bad enough to lose a partner without the financial consequences of lengthy litigation which will cost both parties. Emotion just hurts the wallet.