mediation or not

[alvin]

My relationship with my h was always one of me looking after him like i was his mother,and him controlling everything, so after 20 years and a very nasty accident i decided enough was enough, i slept on the sofa for 18 months as he refused to leave the house claiming everything was all his, house, cars furniture and i had to f o out and leave the children..(this he said in front of them) 7 and 10, so after that 18mths we left, I had to struggle to find the deposit for rent and still struggle everymonth to find the money for living. I went to a solicitor whom is ok to get divorced but I have to do everything through mediation with him, which is awful. He wont pay a penny for his children he got himself sacked from his job because he believes this will mean i still dont get anything, he has a massive amount of money in the bank so he doesnt need to work for years and years.. am i better off finding a new lawyer borrowing some money and getting out of mediation? He refuses to take any responsibility for them or me.... I have made been made to feel worthless for so long that i am beginning to think that he is right....please what do i do?

Stick in there, it will be resolved eventually. The way legal aid is paid has been altered to encourage divorcing couples to avoid the costly and often traumatic court process and attempt mediation. IMHO it is always worth a shot and can work after a few sessions even with the most intransigent of spouses. A mediator sometimes can defuse the situation and make someone realise they cannot evade their responsibilities forever.

I would be worried if your solicitor took a more confrontational approach. It is now considered old fashioned and according to the Solicitor's Family Law Protocol it is good practice before applying to court to attempt negotiation or mediation unless for some reason it is inappropriate.

Yes you need to go to mediation if it fails then it's the old fashioned route.

You were married you are entitled to more 50% for you and more than that to care for the dc.

I would ask for the house, if he's not having the dc then he doesn't need it does he!!!!

There is no law that says the parent with the majority of care is automatically "entitled" to more than 50% of the assets. It depends on the particular facts - the value of any assets/liabilities held in his/her/joint names, respective incomes, duration of the relationship, ages, any disabilities, the number of children, their ages and how many nights they spend with each parent.

Eg -in our case after 20 years of marriage I earned more than my ex husband and although the children stayed with me the split was 67:33 in his favour. After a short relationship when the children can be housed adequately the split might be 25:75 or 35:65 in favour of the non resident parent.

Every case is treated separately and it really does depend on individual circumstances.

Yes of course STIDW you are correct but it is likely in the op circumstances that she will at the very least get 50% and it is likely that the courts would view that her h needs to support their children in someway even if that is them being housed in the marital home until the youngest is 16 and then it sold.

Mediation is voluntary to both parties and the husband therefore can refused to attend mediation, which is sometimes very hurtful if you want to settle matters amicably. If you are eligible for Legal Help, your solicitor will have to send a form to the Mediation Centre known as L17 for them to assess the case if it is suitable for mediation. If you are not legally aided, your share of the fees will have to be paid.

However, the law is flexible when taking into account attempts at mediation and sorting out differences. Generally, 2 to 3 sessions of about one and a half hours each are needed.

If mediation is not suitable or all attempts fails, then your legal position vis-a-vis divorce proceedings will not be jeopardised.

Best of luck

Can I ask a question about mediation here?
My xp is emotionally abusive, Gingerbread says that mediation might make things worse. Is there any allowance for this in the system? how is it measured?
Sorry for hijack but have been reading all mediation threads with interest. Alvin I hope you are getting some good support in RL as well as here and that things pick up for you.

Thank you for all your replies, we had our last session last week as he would not cooperate with the mediator, getting the finacial forms sorted etc, I am so relieved it was just awful sitting there with him. Hopefully we can go forward without the emotional hurranging that he seemed so intent on causing. I guess my mediator managed to see through it in the end! Good luck to all others in this situation x