where do i stand legally?

[descendingintomadness]

Putting feelers out really as i don't know how to proceed from here....

I separated from my husband a year ago. We have a 4 year old son. As we both work long shifts, since we separated we split having our son roughly 50/50 on an average week. He pays no support or maintenance, his argument being that he doesn't have to as he has him half the time. As the break-up was at my instigation (he was not happy about the situation and still hasn't accepted it despite me now being with someone else and i've just had a new baby), i initially accepted this. So far we've tried to keep things relatively amicable, for our son's sake, and haven't sorted anything legally.

Obviously i want to sort things out properly - we are still joint mortgage holders on a house (although neither of us live there - it is currently being rented out) and i do not want this to continue for ever as i want to look at getting a mortgage with my new partner. I also want a divorce although i can't imagine him giving up without a fight, particularly as he doesn't approve of my new relationship; and i want something more concrete in place with regards to my son as my ex has recently been taking the piss with timings of collection/drop-off, suddenly changing days when he can have him etc.

Where do i go from here? I feel like i've been too nice and now i'm being walked all over and i just want the best for my son. He's only 4 at the moment, but my ex is very vocal in his dislike for my partner and not very nice about my daughter - so far i've kept my tongue to keep the peace, but i don't want my son growing up and thinking that is normal or right as i have no way of knowing what is being said when he's with his father.

Thanks for listening (sorry if its all a bit muddled - i had a lot to get off my chest)

you need a lawyer

I really can't afford one

well i think you need to look at how you can afford one. if you want firm ground rules you really need to look legally regarding divorce, assets and childcare arrangements.

i am sure there are other agencies outthere that can help you - you could go to CAB and perhaps they could signpost you further.

Thank you. I guess i've been putting off sorting it as i'm terrified he'll try and take my son away from me. i wish i'd never married him! it seemed like a good idea at the time!!

We all feel that way about our ex's at some point - don't be so hard on yourself. Sure, things aren't as clear cut as you might like, but you've avoided a lot of the pitfalls.

Being prepared for the bashlash, I agree with your ex in terms of maintenance - if you are managing 50/50, then you are both supporting the child. That doesn't apply to the dividsion of the proceeds of the marriage, however, and I agree with other posters that you would benefit from soem advice as to how that is done.

But I would say the main priority should be to keep things amicable for the sake of your son. Things have moved pretty fast for you, but dealing with you leaving and then getting pg by new fellah in the space of a few months must have been hard to deal with.

Get things straight in your own head, in terms of what you want to happen with the house, making shared care arrangements a bit more fixed etc. Then think about what you would be prepared to compromise on. Then set it out in a polite letter, inviting his thoughts and suggesting some mediation to sort out the long term arrangements.

As for the divorce, you can apply now on the grounds of your adultery (not being judge-y, it's just the legal jargon and maybe the quickest way?) and he might be difficult but eventually you'll get the divorce - I've never heard of a person 'fighting' a divorce and winning and being awarded their marriage back by the court! (IYKWIM)