Change of surname for my child.

[Jaynee29]

My 11year old daughter has my maiden name. I am due to get married next year to my partner (her step dad) who I have two children with all have his surname. When I take his surname next year my daughter has also said she wants to as well so we can all have the same name and be a family.

The issue we have is my daughter’s father is on the birth certificate, however we were not together at the time hence why she has my maiden name. He hasn’t been in the picture for three years now. He decided to take a step back to focus on his M/H and not see her. We haven’t been in contact since and blocked each other and his family due to issues we were having. Everytime in the past we have been in contact it always affects my MH due to his behaviour towards me and it had to at one stage go through my parents for contact. I’m worried asking him will not go down very well.

My partner has been in my daughter’s life since she was 2 in a half and calls him dad. She’s always said he has been there for her more than her biological dad. Just wanting to see if anyone has any advice?

to add we have seen him a few times since, however he has ignored us, ignored Me, ignored my family and looks alway. He also did it whilst I had my daughter with me.

thank you.

You're obviously not traditional though. Why cherry pick an aspect of traditional values that causes you faff and may ultimately be detrimental to your DD?

Again apologies, I was only seeking advice on behalf of the subject. Thank you for all responses. We will be seeking advice through legal services regarding gaining contact instead of direct contact with him.

again Apologies I was only seeking advice, which I have received. We will be seeking legal advice on the matter instead of obtaining consent through direct contact.

You've nothing to apologise for, I just think it would be wise to consider all options.

I dont think you have anything to apologise for. Your daughter and ypu have both chosen a surname ypu want. Why should that be hindered by a man that doesn't even acknowledge her

I was the poster who said that and I also changed my name at school.

things are different now than when I was at school, and likely when you were. Schools are much more aware of the legal issues around changing names, and also the issues it can cause if a child sits their exams as Mary Smith, because that’s what she’s always been known as, but then has to apply for college or uni as Mary Jones.

Things have changed a lot with PR issues because schools are much more aware of their legal obligations and many more cases end up with formal legal proceedings.

Some schools now even go as far as wanting shortenings of first names being agreed by all with PR.

Definitely seek legal advice OP

but you should prepare yourself, and your DD, for the fact that, especially if he doesn’t agree, the court are unlikely to legally change her name from yours to her step fathers.

You have two options. You send him the court forms and ask him to sign the consent part.

If he refuses or ignores the request, you'll need to make an application to court. You'll need to attend a mediation meeting first. They are bound to offer him a meeting too, but ultimately, if you say you don't gave any of his details, they just won't be able to do so.

They'll then issue with the form confirming your attendance to a miam.

Yes to being able to do it through deed poll and you did need everyone with PRs permission.

You can request it personally or could ask a solicitor.

Just also be aware that even though the change was made via deed poll with both parents consent (in our case me and DP wanted a double barrelled name we’d registered ds with but because we lived abroad we had to follow their rules and so he had DPs family name. Spanish and they have a whole different way of doing surnames!) - when we renewed ds passport to the new name they also wanted a letter of consent from his dad .

This is why women should not change their name upon marriage and any children they have should have her name. The man can change his name if he wants or go double barrel, but really it's time to just stop this name changing.

My daughter has wanted my partners surname before marriage was even mentioned.

I imagine she does, she would want the same same as her sisters. But she can’t have it.

But he and your other two children can all have the same name as your oldest daughter. Surely that is far more important than traditional values’.

It’s really sad that she’s going to be so left out. Especially as she is actually expressing what she wants.

Alternatively you could all change your name to your maiden second name. That way no consent needed from your ex.

Please don’t do it, I know so many people whose mum did this (it was always the mum). Including my mum. It was an absolute shitter having a different name on my gcse certs and A level certs after they split up. They had been together since I was 4. My mate’s ‘loving stepdad’ turned abusive as she got older and though she went by her original name by age 14, the school still persistently used the wrong name as her mum didn’t properly unfuck it. Really this is a bad plan. Also her dad has rights. As for dicking around with your younger two’s names, I have no words. Just leave everyone’s names alone. Even if she keeps the new name, a deed poll is for life. 11 is far too young to decide this. When she is 40 she will still be explaining this at the visa office if she works abroad, and/or for safeguarding checks for potential employers etc because her name won’t match her BC.

Op why is tradition important to you? Genuine question.

“Traditional values”? Really?

You CAN be known as any name you want by a school but the legal name has to be used for official documents (registers, exam certificates etc). Is the birth father a named contact for school, ie do his details appear anywhere on school records? If not then they would not be able to try to gain his consent.
I have known both children and parents to be "known as" names other than their legal names.
When your DD is 18 she can legally change her name herself anyway.
Are you 100% sure the father wouldn't consent to the change?

Have you considered step parent adoption?
That absolves birth Dad of legal responsibility, and ties your DD to her step father.