What do I need to do to support DS2 in the event of my death?

[Pointyleaf]

2 DS now 25 & 23.

DS1 is living away from home in rented accomodation with a lovely girlfriend and a good job.

DS2 is a bit of a failure to launch situation, caused in part (IMO) by lockdown coming for him in the transition period between childhood and adulthood, and his father's traumatic illness and death also falling in that period. So DS2 still lives with me. He's a reasonably functioning adult at home, happy to help with chores and diy etc, works regularly in a minimum wage job, but hardly ever leaves the house except for work. Very very introverted. He always was but has gone right inside himself since his Dad's death.

If I die, they do well financially with a very significant sum each. To realise that, the house will need to be sold.

I don't want things set up so DS2 can stay indefinitely because DS1 is entitled to want his inheritance, but I also want to know DS2 has time, and support if possible, to find something suitable. He'll have the money, once the house is sold, it's dealing with the practicalities that worries me.

You need legal advice, a STEP solicitor is best placed to advise.

I would make it clear in my will the property must be sold but give a grace period of one year before it is marketed. Also leave a letter of wishes asking DS1 to help DS2 to use the money to buy a property.

In the meantime I would be helping DC2 to launch - start to talk about money matters e.g. paying bills, buying property etc. Not one big chat but drip feed over time. Also consider if counselling could help him.

For both DC there are guides you can use to plan ahead. For example LPAs, planning your funeral service e.g. hymns and readings, a spreadsheet of practical information e.g. electricity supplier, house insurance etc. plus a list of contacts. Google “ I’m dead it’s your problem now” as these books can help you work through the info they will need.

unless you are at risk of dying imminently, I'd be thinking about what you can do to help your son to launch. Surely you want more for him than the life he has now? Assuming he is capable of understanding, you might want to talk to him about the fact that you are future planning, maybe talk to both your sons? The outcome of those conversations might help you to decide what should go on your will.

Oh wow, why didn't I think if that? Why on earth would you think that every waking moment isn't spent trying to help him or find ways to help him?

remember that all we know about you is what you tell us......

One of the practicalities you could consider is related to the fact that the house needs to be managed by your resident son if you are unable to (this includes if you are in hospital etc). So somewhere you need a thorough list of things that you arrange and pay for and the details of these. Things like who provides the gas, electric, water, internet. Account numbers for each. Renewal dates. Usernames and passwords for online accounts. Ensure he can make sure everything continues to be paid if you are not in a position to do this for yourself and he has a means of easily contacting providers to update them.

Well yes, but by that token maybe respond to the question asked? On what world would a mother wanting to make sure her DC is Ok once she's dead not have tried to help him while she was alive?

Yes, thank you. I'm in the process of putting together a household manual.

oh you'd be amazed......by the same token, very often the question is not the actual problem......

I’m in a similar position OP - ds2(26) and dd (23) live with me and ds1 (29) lives at the other end of the country (stayed in the city where he went to uni). DH died very suddenly two and a bit years ago - it was completely unexpected and I didn’t know any of his passwords, who the accountant was for one of his companies etc - everything was online but I couldn’t get into his laptop - it made a really horrendous situation even worse and I desperately don’t want to put my dc through something similar. All three are autistic but ds1 and dd function reasonably well. Ds1 failed to launch for quite some time but DH’s death pushed him into sorting himself out - he got himself into a grad training scheme and is doing really well (although still needs a bit of financial help every now and then and has recently split up with his girlfriend). We live on a farm and dd uses the land for her business - it’s early days but I’m hoping she’ll be able to make a living out of it. I’m not sure if ds2 will ever be able to live independently - he’s very intelligent but dealing with any pressure or deadline causes him to crumble which is why education and any kind of work have been an unsuccessful struggle.

I worry constantly about what happens to them, especially ds2, when I die. I’ve started putting together a file containing important documents and information. I’ve taken out life insurance to cover any inheritance tax liability. Eventually I suspect the house will need to be sold but I don’t want ds1 to force his siblings out of their home and dd out of her business premises to get his hands on his share straight away - unfortunately unless I specifically put measures in place he will probably try to do that.