What to expect legally over contact after a difficult separation

[Confuzzzled]

Hi all. Split with DP of 10 years in April and we have one DS is who will be 3 in August. We were doing a 'nesting' type of thing for a few weeks where ex would stay at his dad's then I'd go to my mums twice a week so DS stayed at home (he has an autism assessment coming up and is non verbal and struggles with change). This didn't end up working out as he just stopped staying out and continued arguing with me. The main reasons for the split has been a steady decline in any respect and affection from him. It started when DS was around 8 weeks old, ex was calling me bipolar and crazy among other things when I was just hormonal and very sleep deprived. Bit by bit he took away my voice, and any difference of opinion was me 'undermining him and being hard work'. I just couldn't stick it any more. Whenever I was ill I was met with eye rolls and yet again being told I'm hard work. No physical affection, silent treatment for days. I'm 'doing the dishes wrong' or 'closing the front door too hard'. And little things like that were met with days of eggshells. I didn't want DS thinking that's what a normal relationship is, where the woman is seen and not heard.

So that's the back story, the 'nesting' situation was temporary until I found somewhere to live as he's staying in the family home and bought me out. I'm 2 weeks away from move in date and ended up moving everything to my mums as he just can't stop arguing with me. Our argument now is around when he is having DS. I suggested 2 nights a week Tuesday night and Friday day and night (his day off work) and he can have him most of Saturday. He was happy for me to do absolutely everything when we lived together now suddenly wants him 3 nights a week. Suggesting 2 seemed like a good compromise but any suggestion from my mouth is immediately knocked down, as it's always been. His way or nothing. I have initiated mediation and had my MIAM and am now waiting on his. He has threatened me with court this whole time and it's just sad it has to go there.

When I picked DS up the other day he said 'you'll have him back when I say you can have him back, I'll lock the door'. He's telling me I'm a selfish mother, this is coming from a man who had to be begged to bathe his son. I feel like I'm in some parallel universe right now. I've spoken to a solicitor who said I should consider a Non Mol as he's messaging me constantly and I've blocked him on Whatsapp and he's now emailing me. He's bringing up my childhood saying I'm screwed up because I didn't see my dad enough as a kid (I saw him 2 nights a week) 😂 So sorry this post is so long but just wondering if anyone has been in similar situations and what to expect. I sense this is going to be a long old road.

If he's never done much with your DS before, it's unlikely that he will step up now. I think he's just trying to hurt you.

It's a gamble, but I'd be inclined to say 'sure ex, that sounds great. I'd actually love some downtime from DS so I can go out with friends, start new hobbies, and even date again'. He'll drop DS pronto!

I think that the first response nails it.

If his choice up till now has always been “as little parenting as possible” then 3 nights a week is going to be very hard work for him.

Id say to him “Ok, let’s try it your way for a month”. And then don’t help him - don’t facilitate things by having ds when he’s working, don’t send him with a packed bag, don’t “just look after him for an hour whilst I do the shop”, don’t send him with specific food.

Whilst he’s got him go out for some nice evenings out, and pop some lovely photos on Facebook. Let him know at pickup that you’ve been to the gym or a spa, or what a lovely time you’ve had. And how good it’s been for your career to have extra time 3 days a week.

It’s fairly normal for the non resident parent to do 5 nights and you do 9 nights. No parent should be having your child every weekend or having every weekend not parenting. So every other weekend and 2 weekday nights on top of that in a 14 night cycle. It’s more manageable and go for the non mol.

As dc gets older, this continues to work quite well in terms of nursery and school. Ensure you are resident parent and register with GP and nursery from your new address. Don’t let him do it.

This. Let him have the 3 nights and see how goes. If she proves himself useless you drop down.

Unless his plan is to helicopter in his mum or some other female relative to do his share of childcare for him.

For ExH

1. Find the name of a court approved parenting app and use that to communicate everything. He won’t like it but if and when it goes to court, everything you have said and done is in a format they like. Block him on everything else.
2. Don’t believe a word he says. Remember, he knows how to upset you and enjoys doing it. That doesn’t make him right.
3. No matter what he says, you need an emotionless, one word answer. “Noted” is a good word. If he writes on the app “I am …”, you reply “noted” and say nothing else. You can answer later when you have had time to think.
4. Whenever you answer, count the syllables in your message. Reduce them to the bare minimum. Never, ever mention your feelings.

Re your son. Routine, routine. You must be his safe space. Everything must be organised when he gets home. If he knows exactly what to expect when he walks in your door, life will be easier.

Open the door, take his bag, greet with a kiss, walk inside and shut the door. No conversation with Dad on the doorstep. Will he need a bath? Water play is fab for getting emotions out. The same meal. A safe favourite. A really good drink of water. The same snuggle on the couch/in bed/in front of Bluey/story.