Child's medical records can anyone advise?

[Loneworries]

So ds is turning 4 soon and doesn't currently see his dad due to safeguarding concerns. I don't want to get into the detail of it but police and social services were involved and it seemed very likely he'd be convicted but ended up being released with a caution due to a technicality.

I've declined any contact as I feel he's a significant risk to ds though there's nothing to suggest he's harmed ds before I left with him.

Ds is becoming more aware of differences in families and talks a lot about missing his dad. He wasnt old enough to remember his dad when we left but he knows he has a dad so it's more the idea of having one he can't see. He's really struggling with seeing other kids with their dads and gets very sad about this and behaviour has become more challenging.

I'm thinking about speaking to my hv or the gp about trying to access some play therapy for him as I wouldn't have the means to pay privately for this but I'm worried about this being noted on his medical records and his dad being able to access these and use it as evidence in court that he should be awarded some contact. I'm deeply concerned about the risk of this and I can't see any contact being appropriate outside maybe letterbox contact but as there's no conviction I'm not sure how this would go.

Can anyone advise me on this? Obviously I want to make sure ds has the support he needs either way but I just want to be prepared and informed and if there is a safer way to go about it? His dad still has parental responsibility though he's obviously not exercising it and hasn't made any application through the courts for contact so far. Nor has he so much as text to ask how ds is etc.

Speak to the surgery and see if they can flag that your ex has no access to the records. Also that at no time details of your dc’s appointments are given out to anyone except you.

Having play therapy will make absolutely zero difference to the ex's argument in court for contact if he makes an application in future.

I assume she's worried about a court application in which medical records would be required to be shared.

Your own attitude to this will be crucial to how your son feels about it. He will be following you on this. If you can, give him a very vague (in child terms) idea of the truth. I did that with my son when we left my ex. It was against recommendations because all the advice says not to say anything bad about the father to the child. But personally I think there's no point painting an idealised view of them if there's clearly an issue. It just puts the child at risk in future. Your son will be more confident about the whole thing if he has some way of explaining it in his head. Otherwise he could very well draw his own conclusions, like it's his fault etc. Keep the explanation very bland and simple though. No details or anything, just something like 'some parents live in different houses. I thought it was better we live in different houses because I don't like x and didn't want to be around it.' or whatever your situation is. It lets your son know you are confident and happy with the decision and that everything is ok and that it's ok for him to put a boundary there for himself if needed

Does your son have some male role models in his life? And do you have single parent friends?
These things will help him to feel more settled.
When he talks about dads, you can say "you don't have a dad here but you have an extra fun grandad/ uncle to play with!"
And there are books and TV shows about families being different shapes, which you can look at together and remind him - "X has a mum and dad, Y lives with his grandma, Z has to mummies and you have me!"
Try to be positive about it and help him feel confident that his life is good.

*two not to!

Hi Loneworries,
Should you not be going to court to ensure that only you have custody of your child (if dad is a risk). Otherwise dad can turn up at school and request to take child - with PR and no court order school are in a very difficult position as technically they can't say no. (School would likely phone you rather than send child but it can then lead to a big argument/fight over who takes child as legally dad has rights)
Similarly with SAR requests like you are mentioning - i don't know about doctors records - but he would be entitled to full details of education.
I know he isn't school age yet....but it won't be long.
I don't say thia to scare you, but to ensure you and child are protected if that's what needs to happen.

No, that's not how family court works. She needs to continue doing what she's doing and if the father wants contact he goes to court.

Which bit of @Mumdiva99's post do you think is incorrect?

She is right that, absent a court order, the school would be in a difficult position if the father turned up wanting to take his son given that he has PR. However, if they are aware of the safeguarding concerns, they should refuse to hand him over.

She is also right that the father is entitled to see his son's school and medical records.

Yes, he needs to apply to the courts if he wants to force OP to allow contact. But the absence of an order does not take away his rights as a parent with PR.

The bit where she said OP should apply to court to get 'sole custody'.
You know perfectly well that in the normal run of things parents don't apply to court to stop absent and uninterested parents from having contact. That's not what a CAO is for.

As the father has parental responsibility (as OP says he has) then the surgery would not be able to refuse him access, unless it was court ordered.

It is the wrong terminology, but a CAO can indeed be used to limit or prevent contact. If OP can show genuine concern that her son's father may attempt to contact or even take his child and that this would not be in her son's best interests, she may be able to get an order even though he does not currently have any contact.

Isn't there a 'live with' order (formally custody), which would give OP more rights and prevent dad from just taking their child, which he could do with just PR.

Ultimately, dad can make an application in court for contact. OP would need to evidence the safeguarding concerns, although highly likely the judge would request a section 7 in this instance.

Op, in all honesty I think you have very little chance of getting play therapy on the NHS with the needs you have listed. It's not even offered at all in many areas. It is in mine, but I couldn't get it for my daughter when her father (who lived with us) died, it was made clear to me that the threshold was very high and it was reserved for children who had suffered very serious abuse (the example given was those in the care system).

This was my concern that if he made an application he'd be given access to the medical records and then what is written about my sons behaviour could be used in an application for contact.

My solicitor has advised against going to court proactively for a lives with order because this essentially could back fire. At the moment my ex has not sought custody and my sons nursery are fully aware of the concerns and the agreement I have is that should a man come to collect him, they will delay until I can get there and he'll be released to me. I imagine it will be the same with school when he starts hopefully.

If I proactively go to court to try to block him there's a chance this could be declined and then he might be emboldened to go after contact and be granted it which is the risk. So I can see why my solicitor is advising against that.

Would my sons education details need to be requested from the school directly or would the education authority tell him where he's going to school? I won't be sharing that information but it's hard to police what my son says when he sees his extended family as I do give them contact as they've never been in any way harmful. It's just difficult to know what may be passed on to my ex, I don't know how much contact there is there.

I have got us lots of books that show different types of families and I've pointed out relatives who don't see their dad's and kids in his nursery who have two mummies or who only seem to be collected by grandparents etc to show him that every family is different. He has his grandfather's on both sides and I have a few male friends who are great dads who he sees sometimes, but when he spends time around kids his age and their dad's it really triggers something for him and I can see he's quite down and gets angry and lashes out after.

We do lots of sensory play at home and lots of time in nature and I make it clear that he can talk about his dad whenever he wants and I try to be really careful with what I say. For a long time I was telling him daddy lives far away so we can't see him, but then he was becoming more aware that his grandparents travel to see him so why couldn't his daddy and was clearly struggling with that so I told him that daddy has some grown up problems that mean he's not able to be around my son safely but that he loves him very much. I wasn't sure if that would be looked on badly or not but I could just tell that saying he lived far away wasn't enough of an explanation for him. It feels like such a minefield and I just want to balance what my son needs and keeping myself right should it ever go to court or back through social services.

Also we had to move a few hours away from where his dad lived because of the risks to my son from his dad, but it's been hard to find single parent friends. Or any parent friends to be honest. I still meet up with our old friends regularly enough but I'm not really sure where to start making friends nearby. I have signed up for a kids hobby activity though so hoping we meet some people through that. Any other suggestions for meeting single parents specifically would be appreciated! I always make lots of effort at nursery pick up with other parents etc but I never get much reciprocated as people are obviously busy with their own lives.

Play therapy can be accessed through schools. My grandson is currently doing play therapy in his primary class with an external provider.

Re "Would my sons education details need to be requested from the school directly or would the education authority tell him where he's going to school?"

Sadly yes he can access to the medical record, school reports etc.. As long as he has PR and there's no court order stating he isn't allowed to do so.
And unfortunately (assuming he has PR and you don't have an order in place) you need to make major medical/educational decisions together. Including your son's school choice.