Mediation regarding child

[LWestYorks]

Hi. I just want some advice, I have received a letter from a solicitor last week regarding mediation. My and my daughters father split in 2000 and are amicable as in we speak when we need to, my daughter always goes to his house on his days etc. When I’ve asked him why he’s done this he’s replied and said;

’It should have happened years ago, I’m not continuing with arguments,conflict & confusion moving forward, it’s needs to be officially drawn up & everything discussed all for the best interests of ***’

I’m just wondering do I have to pay for the MIAM appt which is £160 then mediation going forward or can I decline mediation and go back to him and say I’m happy for you to get a solicitor to draw something up for you for me to agree. I just don’t want to pay for a service that we don’t really need.

I assume the date you split up is a typo? And your DD isn't 26?

Sorry we split in 2020 🤣

You don’t need to attend mediation - your child is an adult. Tell him no.

No sorry it was a typo, we split in 2020 and my daughter is 9.

Based on your OP he doesn't sound unreasonable. Mediation is far cheaper than fighting over it through solicitors.

I think he's reasonable to suggest it and you're equally reasonable to not want to pay for it on the basis that you believe things to be generally harmonious (which doesn't appear to be a view he shares). Would you go if he agreed to cover all costs?

Are there arguments, conflict and confusion?

Yes, I have agreed to pay for the first meeting which is £160 according to the letter, but the more I think about it, the more I’m thinking why should I be paying?

Little arguments, no conflict in terms of confusion he’s referring to the holidays when sometimes we don’t do 9am pick up/drop off and I go on the time my daughter wants to go (if she wants a bit of a sleep in) I think he wants set times? But it seems a bit silly mediation and for my to cover costs when the situation is small compared to some that will go for it…

So had you previously agreed to 9am, and then change it without consultation?

I can understand that. From my knowledge most couples require 2-4 sessions if things are reasonably amicable - that's a fair wedge of money. I think if he is the one who is thinking it is needed then he at least should go 50/50 on that first session (is £160 the whole or half cost?) - which is kind of like the discovery phase - and then you could do the same the for the second in the hope that you would reach a useful resolution by the end of that session. But if it's unaffordable I think you are well within your rights to say that you are willing to do this for the sake of your child and also because he seems to think it necessary, but you're not able to pay for what could end up being several hundreds of pounds.

He's going to have fun as she gets older..........

You can do it via solicitor but what if you don't agree with what he suggests? He could also decide to go straight to court. If so, and you don't attend a miam and try mediation, the judge won't be impressed with you and it can go against you.

You will need to pay for the miam but if the mediator is accredited, you will be entitled to the voucher scheme of £500 together towards the session. This should cover about 2 hours of free mediation.

If you refuse to attend and it goes to court, you will look really unreasonable. I can see his frustration if you routinely change times based on what your 9 year old wants to do. Either agree a later time for handover or get her ready for 9am, don’t leave her dad hanging on the day. It’s really disrespectful.
It’s usually a good idea for agreements to be firmed up to avoid any scope for confusion or arguments. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want this. You could agree an outcome with him and then go to a mediation session and have the mediator draw up a parenting agreement.