Varying a child arrangements order to reflect my daughter's ASD needs

[Suchaheadache24]

Current CAO has been in place for 5yrs and was made before my dd was diagnosed with ASD, she is now 7.5 and has always struggled with contact especially the longer periods during school holidays. She has a SLT and EP involved currently and applying for an EHCP.

Her DF doesn’t believe she has ASD and fails to understand how much it impacts her, he has failed to have consistent contact with DD outside of seeing her every other week and has limited contact with her school (not attending parents evenings) and the professionals involved both present and past.

I am looking to have the long stays amended to help DD cope. Currently (I say currently, it’s always been this way) she’ll get extremely anxious before going to her dads, refusing to eat and sometimes even vomiting in the car, trouble sleeping and withdrawing in general. School has noted her anxiety along with the fact she will often tell teachers she misses me during the day along with difficulty with changes and signs of masking (zoning out etc). I’ve told her DF all of this and his response is always she is fine despite him handing off care to family members or external activities. To add to this once she is back home she’ll become agressive, anxious (not wanting to leave the house) and again difficulty with sleep. I’ve asked her before when she is angry who she is angry at and she has said DF but only lashes out at me.

With regard to varying the order I would be looking at shortening the longer stays, and have more frequent but shorter stays (need to think of what would be best). With the alternative weekends I don’t think there’s much I could do as my ex lives a distance away so logistically it wouldn’t work but perhaps suggest video calls, I had suggested this before but he always declines.

I just wanted to see if anyone else has gone through or going through the same with a child that has ASD and what the outcome has been. I have found a solicitor it’s just currently the cost and weighing up the outcomes!

Just going to bump this

I am not an expert, but fully sympathetic. I hope someone less with a similar experience will respond.

Is there a reason he gives for why he does not believe the diagnosis? Did he speak to the psychologist too?

Bump

I haven’t been through this situation, but thinking about it from ASD point of view (I’m diagnosed), she’s likely viewing you as her safe space and masking at her dads, which is why she lashes out when she gets home and has anxiety before going. I’m not sure shorter more frequent stays would necessarily be the answer as that’s a lot more transitions. Ideally she needs to see you both as equal. I know I would have struggled with two homes and the transitions between the two if I had been in this situation as a child.

It is a shame no one with family law experience has come on.

This is tricky. Do you have any professionals involved who have expertise in autism who could write a report supporting your position? Anything in writing where he denies her diagnosis?
The courts do not like to vary the status quo absent safeguarding issues which this is not. However if you are seeking to change the length of stays but not overall the time split this seems child focused and you might be successful. A lawyer would be a sensible investment at least for a one off appointment to explore the options.

You can apply to vary the existing order but as PPs say, you will need to show why the status quo should be changed, as the court has heard and determined the matter already. The child's welfare is paramount so if the court is persuaded that the current arrangement is not in her best interests, they could be minded to change it, but if you are saying that she has severe anxiety for all stays with her dad, what are you realistically asking/hoping for? For all staying contact to cease? You also need to be careful that there is no suggestion that her behaviour is being affected by your own attitude to contact or to her dad. Also, bear in mind that in a few years' time, she might have less separation anxiety and be better able to cope with moving between homes. Is there any way she can be given more support with her anxiety to give her the tools needed to cope? If she'd experiencing it even at school, she needs to be helped with developing resilience, especially as she grows older.

re The child's welfare is paramount so if the court is persuaded that the current arrangement is not in her best interests

The child’s welfare is exactly what the OP is about.

but if you are saying that she has severe anxiety for all stays with her dad, what are you realistically asking/hoping for?

She is not hoping the child stops staying with her dad, or hoping she should stay with him less overall. In effect she envisages she would have more stays with him but for fewer days at a time.

It is such a shame there has to be an argument about it. Doing this would probably increase the child’s enjoyment of her dad’s company once she can relax more.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Just to clarify this order was made two years prior to a diagnosis. And yes exp was able to speak to all professionals etc but believed I misled them in order to get a diagnosis.

@Glowingup no I’m not looking at stopping contact, I know DD loves her dad, his partner and her baby sibling. I’ve suggested more phone calls with me while she is there for longer stays (currently one a week) and that my ex spend more time with DD.

@Overthebow At present even when she is there for weekends he is sending her to different classes and leaving. During longer periods he is working and doing the same with regard to not actually spending any time with her. He also doesn’t believe she has ASD. I have mentioned masking etc So in terms of her feeling safe with him he really doesn’t put much effort in but that isn’t something I can control. But good point on the regular transitions, upon reflection this would probably cause more stress.

@ScrollingLeaves I was thinking shorter stays but more frequently during the school holidays but upon reading @Overthebow response I don’t think it’ll ease the anxiety. Doesn’t help that exp doesn’t spend time with her while she is there. Think the best option currently is seeing if phone calls can be increased.

I do social stories, a visual weekly calendar etc we do yoga when she is feeling stressed and quality time when she is with me. For me it’s when she said, “mummy can’t you just tell daddy I died so that I don’t have to go”! She’s ask if she has to go there forever and I’ve explained to her why she should go and that she’ll grow up and once she’s a teenager she can have more of a say and when she is grown up she’ll be able to see mummy and daddy when she would like. I was told to do it in this way buy an ASD support group in my local area.. to be factual but also in a way she would be able to understand. But I will still speak to a solicitor.

Keep a diary simple, factual about how she is before and after stays.

Keep trying to communicate on a parents app about anything to help her during stays. (Weighted blanket? Music? A yoga mat and a little list if a few exercises?) Keep any record of your ex H being dismissive and not trying to help her.)