Struggling with 50/50 shared custody and living between two places

[Bellisimo2026]

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some perspective on whether it’s worth going back to court regarding child arrangements, or whether I need to find a way to make peace with the current situation.

I share a 5-year-old child 50/50 with my ex and we have a Child Arrangements Order in place. On paper it looks fair, but in reality I’m really struggling and it’s starting to affect my health.

The main issue is that my life is split between two places. My work, support network, and close family are based in a different part of the country, but my child is settled where my ex lives. This means I’m constantly moving between the two and don’t feel properly grounded anywhere. It’s exhausting and I’ve been dealing with awful periods of insomnia, anxiety and periods of depression as a result.

I did try to change the arrangements through court previously, but it was very expensive and emotionally draining, and I didn’t get the outcome I hoped for. That makes me very hesitant to go through the process again.

Co-parenting is also challenging. Communication is often difficult and can feel quite controlling or destabilising at times, which adds to the overall stress. I try to keep things calm and child-focused, but it’s not always easy.

I don’t want to reduce my child’s relationship with their other parent, but I do feel the current setup isn’t sustainable for me long term. Ideally I would like to be based where I have more support and stability, and build a more settled life there.

I feel really torn between:

• Going back to court to try and change the arrangements (with all the cost, stress and uncertainty that brings), or
• Accepting things as they are and trying to cope better within it

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Is it ever worth going back to court a second time?

Or are there more gradual or lower-conflict ways people have managed to shift arrangements over time?

I’d really value any honest experiences or advice.

Thank you

Firstly, and this is kindly meant, please write your own posts, rather than generate them through ChatGPT. Responding to an AI written post isn't appealing.
secondly, how far away do you live from him? How do you care for him during your week? Where are you staying then?
Court is unlikely to change the status quo and give you more time on the basis that you want to live further away, so you'll have to find another solution.

I'm sorry you are struggling but it just shows how difficult it must be for children living across 2 homes if the adults who chose to live separately struggle with the situation. Perhaps you need to move your base nearer to the co-parent long term.

You can't move your child away from their other parent, you've already been to court about it, so no point in paying to go again.

You could move, and the other parent be resident parent, or build a life where your child's life is.

If it’s hard on you, imagine how hard it would be on your child if you moved them further away during their time with you.
I think you are going to be better off finding a job closer to your shared parenting base and try to build up a support network there.

It’s not going to be great for your child though is it, moving them away from their other parent and them having to travel long distances to see them. It sounds like they are settled where you are now. I don’t think can also decide to reduce the time with the other parent especially if you’ve already been to court. Your options are stay where you are or you move and child stays with the other parent.

What’s your proposed solution?

You could drop from 50:50 to weekends only or every other weekend so you’re uprooting yourself less?

The courts put the best interest of a child first and foremost. It sounds like this is what’s happened here.
Out of interest, who moved away from whom? Also, use a court advised APP to communicate going forwards.

If your child is settled where your ex lives then it's not in their best interests to change that and I child arrangement order should be about what's best for the child. This leaves you with a few choices

1. Leave things as they are and learn to live with it.
2. Look to move more of your life over to where ex lives by changing jobs building up your own friendships etc
3. Look at your current custody situation so that you can base yourself where your family are more permanently but your child stays with ex where they are settled and instead of 50/50 you are perhaps more 70 ex/30 you.

The above options are very simplistic put and none of them are easy fir you but I can't see any family court deciding to move away from 50/50 in your favour to uproot a settled child without really good best interests of the child reasons.
Personally I'd look at the viability of option 2 I live away from my family (100 miles) but they visit me regularly and my mum still manages to be a loving and supportive grandma.

Thanks all and apologies for the use of AI, I was just trying to save time! I should add that my work is linked to a specific site / location which I can’t move. I have been trying to make it work and live close to my daughter and ex for the last few years but it’s so hard. I have a house I live in with her when I’m there. He is narcissistic so I have to suffer post-separation abuse constantly. It’s wearing me out. His family all live near him and have cut me off and hate me. I have some friends but no family. My mum is in her eighties and cannot travel to see me (it’s over 100 miles away), and I also want to move back closer to her so I can care for her. I want to do what’s best for my daughter too but I can’t be the mum I want to be when I’m feeling constantly stressed, depressed and on edge.

Your situation sounds incredibly hard for you and I can understand you feel torn.
If option 2 isn't viable that leaves you with option 1 or 3 as I still don't think family court would move away from 50/50 and relocate a settled child for your best interests and not hers.

how is option 3 an option if your ex is a narcissistic control freak? You need to limit DD’s exposure to him surely as much as you can.

I appreciate you feel burned out but honestly, i would never sacrifice my child’s well being in order to look after my aging mum. And my mum would never ask me to.

Can’t you relocate your mum to the home you use when your dd is with you?

Surely that would make more sense than you relinquishing more custody to your abusive ex.

How can it be in dd

The court works in the best interests of the child not you so they will not remove the child from their other parent when 50/50 is working well for the child.
How did you manage work when you lived with your ex? Or did you decide to take a job miles away after you broke up?
I think you’ll need to move your life closer to your child or relinquish the 50/50 and have her every other weekend instead