Mum’s ashes plot seems missing after stepfather interment, who to contact?

[Pinkbob74]

Hi. I lost my Mum back in 1992 when I was 18. I used all my savings to purchase a small plot in our local graveyard (not church related) and had her ashes interred. In 2019 my stepfather passed away and his wish was to be interred with her - even though the plot was mine. I didn't make a fuss, and the way things played out, his estranged family suddenly appeared and took over when stepdad died. It took a long time for matters to be dealt with and as far as I knew, stepdad was interred in 2023, end of story. Fast forward to last week. I visit the graveyard to leave flowers for Mum and can no longer find her place/plaque? But then looking at things there, they had all been moved around a bit ... My fear is that the estranged family who turned up to cash in have had stepdad interred near them in Peterborough and taken my Mum with them and sold the plot as they're ALL about the money! I'm disabled so can't physically get there much and am kicking myself for not trying to get someone to get me there sooner, but am more bewildered as I don't know who to turn to/ask for help or to find out whats happened? The Graveyard/Crematorium is private or council so far as I know and definitely not church owned ... who can I ask? Or would anyone know how to tackle this? I'm so upset I can't think straight tbh. Many thanks

Omg, so sorry OP. I can see why you are very upset.

Hopefully it isn’t that. It can’t be. That is crazy and surely they can’t do that.

Hoping someone can come who is knowledgeable about such things but until then please have an unmumsnetty hug from me 🌷

Do you have any record of the purchase OP?
Can you google the burial ground and find out who owns/ manages it? Your local council would be the place to start, or, fsiling that, a local funeral managing firm/ undertaker.
I am so sorry. This is very distressing.

The people who run the graveyard absolutely have to know who is where and will keep records. My understanding is that it is not that easy to remove ashes once they have been interred. Try the local council, or as someone else said, maybe a local funeral director. Good luck - my Dad’s marker went missing, we found it in completely the wrong place, vicar was adamant that it wasn’t but had to check the records, and we were right.

I’m sorry about how upsetting this must be .

if this is a council cemetery you can call them.

they won’t have taken mums ashes, they would need to be exhumed and this is a legal process and you would likely have been contacted as the plot owner. it’s also expensive.

its more likely the stone/plaque was removed for the burial of ashes in 2023 and not yet returned.

call the council. Or the graveyard warden.
contact your local funeral director if you can’t contact the cemetery, any good funeral director will help you (even if they didn’t do the funeral).

Let us know how you go.

Look on Google maps for the nearest funeral director or florist, they are more likely to deal with anyone associated with the plots and give them a call.

The cemetary where my grandparents ashes are interred needs the plaque renewing every so often. My Mum pays for it to be done every ten years. My Dad's parents are in the same cemetary but their plaques were removed a few years ago. Could it be something like this?

There should be a cemetary office where you can ask the questions.

The cemetery will keep detailed records of interments and if you contact their office will be able to help. The most likely scenario is that the plaque has been displaced by groundskeepers maintaining the site or had become worn and was removed in accordance with their policies. It’s vanishingly unlikely that the cemetery has allowed somebody who doesn’t own the plot to have an existing burial exhumed and to sell the plot. It’s very administrative to request and carry out an exhumation even for the registered owner of the plot, and equally difficult for somebody who doesn’t to administer it: when my mum was having my grandad’s ashes placed alongside my grandmother in the plot which had been purchased by my grandmother’s parents and using their wills to have the plot transferred into her name in accordance with their stated wishes, there was a lot of paperwork involved.

If you owned the plot and held exclusive right of burial the cemetery manager would need to get your permission for any use. Whoever is responsible for the cemetery, parish/town council or borough/district council perhaps, will hold records of graves and activity. Otherwise the funeral director may know. Did you pay for the plaque?

Hi all. Thank you so much for the comments. I shall contact the local council as I feel it must be to do with them, considering it is not Church owned.
I was only 18 at the time and as she was killed outside our house, I went into shock for about 3 months - I barely even recall the day of the funeral ... I just remember my stepfather mentioning the funeral directors and I said I wanted a little plot with her ashes, an urn and a plaque. He (stepdad) was paying for the cremation / cars etc and I gave the money to him for it to be sorted out. I remember filling out & signing one form but have no idea now (so many years later) what it was? After reading some other comments I'm now a bit more panicked as if it went down in his name, I've no idea where I'd stand. It's not even straight forward to ask them what they've done as they just came and took everything and tried to have me cut out of the will and all sorts. Really nasty people. I'll try to get to speak to the council tomorrow and post an update. Again, thank you all xx

@Pinkbob74 Did you manage to get any more information today?