Domestic abuse

[MamaTo3under4]

Hi everyone, I really really need some advise and answers to my questions, I’m in an abusive relationship and planning to leave soon somehow, I want to go to a women’s reufge with my 3 children, my partner is horrible he has threatened me lots of times tha he would shoot me or kill me or take my kids and go back to his home country with them, he basically acts like he hate me day to day he will completely ignore me, I have lots of rules like I can’t wear makeup, I’m not allowed to the Kids out unless it’s to school and back he also has a really really bad criminal history but seems so somehow get away with everything and has only been to prison once before I met him and that was only for a year he has 2 separate firearm charges he smokes weed everyday. I have a council house but it’s not in his name only mine I would stay and tell him to get out but he won’t leave and he Would probably jus sit outside and hound me or beat me up if I walked outside or smash my window.

-will his criminal history help in court if he’s try’s to get access to the kids
-is there anything I can do about my belongings if I leave I know that I can’t take everything with me but the council will see it as I’m making myself homeless on purpose so will it all just go to the skip?
-I’m scared that he will go to my mums and do something to her, is there any legal protection that she can get or chances of being moved?
-if I got to a women’s shelter and the help re house me do you think that I can pick the area I want to move to?

and help please thanks

Please contact the nearest women’s Aid or refuge service they will help you get out.

And will be able to answer all your questions.

Or go on the Womens Aid website as there is advice and Q&A section on there.

@Hedgehogforshorti don’t want to contact them yet as I’m wanting to leave in about 2/3 months and a lot of women on here have said once you contact women aid and your not ready to leave yet they contact outside agencies or the police and report it it’s not really confidential anymore

You can call anonymously. And the website is anonymous.

Hi I'm a detective working in domestic abuse

-will his criminal history help in court if he’s try’s to get access to the kids
Yes absolutely this will go against him, but it will not necessarily prevent all contact

-is there anything I can do about my belongings if I leave I know that I can’t take everything with me but the council will see it as I’m making myself homeless on purpose so will it all just go to the skip?
You don't need to make yourself homeless.
I would recommend that you leave kids with your mum, go to a station and report your STBX to the police - explain that you are terrified, he has abused you and made threats to kill you, you're worried about the kids and your mum, he has threatened to destroy you and your stuff if he knows you're going to leave him, he has already damaged etc etc
They should then prioritise an arrest and on release (if they don't manage to remand him straight away) they will ensure he isn't allowed back to yours, or your mum's.
(You could also ask for a police officer to be present to prevent a breach of the peace when he arrives and is locked out/kicked out)

-I’m scared that he will go to my mums and do something to her, is there any legal protection that she can get or chances of being moved?
If you took a civil non-molestation order you could request that he not contact you or her directly and that any (eventual) child contact was to be through a contact centre.
If he was released on bail your mum's address could be included on conditions preventing him from attending

-if I got to a women’s shelter and the help re house me do you think that I can pick the area I want to move to?

No they will say something like (assuming you live in Kent) 'we can find you a place in Devon, or Birmingham'.
You have to be willing to accept the spot they offer you. Many of my victims immediately reject this (understandably! Your whole support system is likely to be near you) but it's hard because this is a truly good measure to keep you safe.

Please ask if you have any other questions
If you live in Scotland I may not know the answer.
Good luck OP 💐

Be careful saying this, at times (depending on the offence) Women's Aid and NSPCC anonymous referrals can be found out.

@DontBuyANewMumCashmereyes exactly what I’m trying to say, they do if they believe you are in danger x

@DontBuyANewMumCashmereand thank you so much for your message very helpful, my mum is5 hours away and I don’t drive she is my only support well and I’m just worried that even after telling th police he will still come to the house and do something honestly he’s not just horrible he’s absolutely nuts, and I don’t know how long I could stay at my mums for as she’s only in a 1 bed flat and I have 3 kids 2 of which are autistic, do you think I’d have to stay at my mums until women’s aid or whoever could sort housing for me? X

I didn't realise she was so far away, sorry for assuming.

Yes he might still come round, before and after arrest, even on bail. That is a risk and not one we can happily predict/manage - depending on the person in question sometimes we will try to remand the person so they're kept after arrest until they go to court - but at court they can sometimes be released so that's not up to us either.

There are various safeguarding measures we can take, some forces give our DA kits which are designed to slow down an intruder, some give panic alarms to deter attack, some have special officers who can come and assess the security of your flat and offer tips to strengthen security measures.

Not all violent abusers continue to attack after arrest or bail; because he's spent time inside he might be less willing to get sent back there.
Some play the game very well.
Having said that the most dangerous time is just after leaving an abuser so I'm not trying to minimise the impact here.

I can't guarantee what would happen if you were rehomed, it might be that you would be offered a refuge far away from where you want to be - and they would eventually house you but I can't say where or how long this would take.

If you are immediate risk of this man, please call 999 x

@DontBuyANewMumCashmereyeah I feel like he definitely would still come back around and I just don’t know if it’s a risk I’m willing to take that’s why I’m so set on the refuge thing because I just would feel so much safer but then I’m also leaving my house and all my stuff I feel like I’m losing either way I really don’t know what to do just keep going back and forth thank you for the advice though I really appreciate it xx

@MamaTo3under4 Hi i think the advice that you are getting from the police officer is spot on.

As regards refuge and housing,

Womens Aid agencies only breach confidentiality if there is a serious risk of immediate harm to either you or your children.

They will try to help you organise leaving safely.

I feel that you are delaying things because it is a massive step to tell people what is going on.

You would be allocated a bed space based on availability so could be anywhere.

The refuge should help you get permanent housing in the location you want.

You cannot be deemed intentionally homeless when you flee DVA and you can seek to be rehoused in an area or local Authority that you do not reside in, even at a refuge.

i think the most important thing is to ask for help to get out as soon as possible. The scary bit is setting the wheels in motion, i understand as an Ex DVA worker. An anonymous chat will help to encourage you to take that step.

I wouldn't want to leave my stuff if he has access to it, what if he trashes it all or sets fire to it, when he realises you've gone?

Could you change the locks and leave the area on the same day? Or report it once the locks are changed?
Does he live with you officially? Does he work?

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere@Hedgehogforshortyeah that does sound like a good plan the thing that’s stopping me I know it sounds silly but my son is 5 and autistic severely, and iv been waiting for an EHCP for him for years we are about 2 or 3 month from getting one if I leave now I have to start the process all over again ao I need it for him to be allowed into a specialist school without he he has no help so I just really need it before I’m out of here, he doesn’t officially live with us but he stays he’s form Monday to Thursday then goes to work at a security job 4 hours away and is gone for the weekend so when I’m ready to leave I know that I’ll have a whole weekend to get our stuff ready and go which makes me feel better

He does a key though so yeah I’d probably have to change the locks first

And he doesn’t have his own home he stays at his parents at the weekend at the same town where my mum lives 5 hours away

It is not silly at all, but what happens is there is always a reason not to flee just yet it is part of the entrapment process.

Many refuges will have a children’s support worker and you may well get a better chance of getting the support for services such as the EHCP.

You may not recognise this yet but the violence (and i am talking coercion and emotional abuse as well) your experience will have a significant impact on your children.

You will have developed ways to safe guarding your children that you will at a later date realise are outside the realms of normal.

I am not judging you at all it is all part of how a perpetrator gets to grip you and mess with your thinking.

you have a clear window to at least flee temporarily, gather your essential documents, ID passports etc, and bite the bullet. You will not look back , nd it will be tough

@Hedgehogforshortyeah I 100 percent get where your coming from and I won’t deny that’s there’s times where I’m like should I just stick through it for a few years until the kids are older but right now I’m determined that I will get us out of here I’m really tired of it, and he has completely warped my mind I don’t even think that same anymore I don’t even know myself anymore honestly everything is like I wonder what he would think of this I wonder if this was make him be happy and in a good mood with me I’m sick of being under his control I feel like a prisoner I know when I escape I’ll wish I would of done it sooner 😩

You are ready -when you are ready.

the light bulb has come on for you

you are ready its just actually doing it, thats the scary bit.

have you noticed a caged animal does not rush out when the cage is opened.

they look around gingerly - fear of the unknown, before they dash off